Look. I'm trying to find a counselor in line with this book
Of particular importance, is Chapter 8, on page 125: Understanding the Connection Survival Style. In it, it discusses my trauma tendencies, and also their antidotes, but in particular, it brings up dissociation. How did I get so dissociated, well, I did so back in 2006-2007, in the cycle described, on pg 131--I sensed threat,, had a "high arousal," a "thwarted fight response," dissociation, emotionl numbing, lot of acing in-out of aggression, and finally, "diminished aliveness."
My exact experience is a little atypical, given the shutdown was in my twenties, not as a child, but adult experience of the Connection Survival Style is done well, on page 140. I've been called an "askhole," on this forum, but I want to get better, and here I'm showing my research, and that I'm actually applying a roadmap; shutdown's not fun, but as this video shows, there is method to dealing with repressed anger, as it starts discussing, around the fifty-minute mark:
All my anger, and frustration, is bound up, basically, in relational difficulties, and that needs to be sorted out, which the book points out, in pages 150-151. In page 151, there's a box entitled The Distortions of Healthy Aggression. Unmet core needs lead to frustration, leading to protest, followed by anger, which in turn becomes "overwhelming," leading it to be either acted in or out.
Unlike most adults with the Connection Style, I know I'm angry, and not just a little but very. Healing for this comes in the form of thanneling this anger into the form of healthy aggression," which I'm trying to work on.
I've been accused of being inappropriate in my language, but please realize, I'm seeking to channel my aggression, healthily, and find vindication, and validation, in so doing. Trouble is, I've nound a lot of help, and wind up triggering others unintentionally, for which I apologize.
Forgiveness, in context, is rude, because it isn't an expression of aggression; it will only augment dissociation, do you see? It isn't about setting up boundaries, or anything.
I hope this clears the air, explaining why I've not been helped, sooner.
Or, to place what I'm asking, differently:
I seek validation, basically- if a hack doc means well, but saws off a good leg, that's still wrong, and I expect that acknowledged. *My strategy is to confront my mother, over issues in the past, and find validation and support. *An alternative strategy involves arguing with someone else over the issues and logic. *"Forgiveness" is a failed strategy, and frankly does not meet my needs of validation, or more viscerally, vindication--the prize borne of struggle. *Essentially, I am seeking moral, and emotional support my family denied me, and developing an internal locus of control. *
I request respect for my authority--which of course means respect for my prerogative to*demand;*a*Catch-22. *That said, what's to be done? *if I'm right, I'm right--just be honest.
When people tell me to "forgive," instead of validating me, functioning as witnesses to my mother, they're disputing my logic, as well as my feelings--but are not willing to alternatively meet my needs by giving open argument to their disagreement, and me a chance to betroy their justifications. *I'm essentially inviting the therapist to walk a bit in my shoes, and see if you can't reach my conclusions in good conscience. *Instead of fighting me, instead of trying to avoid drawing conclusions, work on drawing them, because if I'm right, you*can't*disagree with me--otherwise, you would not avoid battle; *if you do disagree, then, can you convince me, earn my trust, that it's *genuine, and not a denial of evidence, and logic? *On the other hand, convincing me you're dishonest, and a coward, then, will mean that you have failed *the game. *
To me, at my most playful,*this is a game; at worst, it is war.--and that I relish far more than*any*game. *I'm daring you to look at life through*my*lens, and*defy*you to draw different working conclusions. *How else, unless you are are honest, can you expect me to grieve my mother unless you've got the courage to admit that she was wrong about a great many things, and am correct to despise her? *
Acknowledging this fills my needs for vindication/validation, trust, and relief; *if not, then we will need a new strategy, and I may well distrust it, and think it your attempt to do what you*can, as opposed to*what I*need--so beware. * I draw working conclusions about the world, and passionately distrust those even unwilling to take stabs how things are. *I welcome your disagreeing with me--as long as you're prepared to take due effort--in my judgment--that**you've tried in good faith. *If you cooperate, then this will be like a game; if not, it will be like pulling teeth. *
In return for "playing along," there is a lot you can ask of me, but the question as to how much fun it is is completely up to you. *Maybe you don't want to play my games and call for another, but if you try to foist your games on me, well, there we are--back to mutual tooth-pulling; not a pretty sight. *I want vindication, and if your game doesn't offer that reward, what's the incentive? *Your praise? *If you're going to praise me simply because I cooperated, stow it--I can get that any time I like--vindication, on the other hand, is a reward worthy of my soul. **
Offer me that, and what*won't*I do?