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Why am I incapable of finding a man?

2K views 49 replies 22 participants last post by  Mxx1 
#1 ·
I know I sound desperate when I type this but I just don’t get how I am meant to be alone. I’m 25, have a bachelors, own a condo and have a decent job. I don’t think I look overweight & I try to take care or my appearance. So why can’t I find a man? I’ve tried the apps on and off for years. I always attract what I don’t want. And what I do want: doesn’t like me back, only wants casual or is a total jerk. I’m told I’m nice so what gives? I have no friends either. I’m pretty easy going and feel like I have been able to accomplish what I want out of life, for the exception of a social life and good boyfriend. I am very distrusting of people in general, due to my bad experiences. I don’t think I’m overly picky and have every right to standards. I see people bigger and uglier or average looking, capable of finding a partner that I find appealing. I was fatter and didn’t get attention, I’m smaller now and still alone. I don’t message guys too often on the app, when I do make the first move, it doesn’t work out. Am I the problem (clearly not)?
 
#2 ·
In my view point...what you said about not having a social life is a pretty big deal. In reality dating apps are more likely to lead to short term outcomes than long term relationships. You need to put yourself out there, step out of your comfort zone, cultivate new hobbies, meet new people, and it will happen when it happens. Your chances of meeting someone you actually like and want to be with will increase this way.
 
#3 ·
What is your self-esteem like? It might sound like an invasive question but I get the feeling that the universe is intent on showing people how they need to love themselves and be strong so that they can learn, create, live and spread love. When you do this authentically without any sense of shifting the responsibility of your own happiness or fulfilment onto others then I feel it is then that the universe takes notice and brings you into alignment with things that embellish your life.

But therein is my point. These things only ever 'embellish' your life, they should never complete you. You are already complete.
 
#4 ·
I know I sound desperate when I type this but I just don't get how I am meant to be alone. I'm 25, have a bachelors, own a condo and have a decent job. I don't think I look overweight & I try to take care or my appearance. So why can't I find a man? I've tried the apps on and off for years. I always attract what I don't want. And what I do want: doesn't like me back, only wants casual or is a total jerk. I'm told I'm nice so what gives?
I mean, life is complicated but what I'm getting here is you're probably just too picky. I think if you're fishing and you're not catching anything you want, you're wanting more than you can catch. Or you're using the wrong bait. Maybe the men you want do not care about the types of things you think are your strong points.

But....who knows? Maybe you're missing a trick. I don't know. This probably isn't the best place to ask.
 
#5 ·
Maybe the right ones aren't looking, maybe they're harder to find, jerks & horny idiots are a dime a dozen hence why their spawn are more prolificated, most women just end up grabbing one out of loneliness/desperation, biological clock issues.
 
#6 ·
I know I sound desperate when I type this but I just don't get how I am meant to be alone. I'm 25, have a bachelors, own a condo and have a decent job. I don't think I look overweight & I try to take care or my appearance. So why can't I find a man? I've tried the apps on and off for years. I always attract what I don't want. And what I do want: doesn't like me back, only wants casual or is a total jerk. I'm told I'm nice so what gives? I have no friends either. I'm pretty easy going and feel like I have been able to accomplish what I want out of life, for the exception of a social life and good boyfriend. I am very distrusting of people in general, due to my bad experiences. I don't think I'm overly picky and have every right to standards. I see people bigger and uglier or average looking, capable of finding a partner that I find appealing. I was fatter and didn't get attention, I'm smaller now and still alone. I don't message guys too often on the app, when I do make the first move, it doesn't work out. Am I the problem (clearly not)?
Your description by your name doesn't give gender...so...I'm gonna assume you are female (shrugs shoulder) ....if you aren't female then...disregard this next bit.

Here goes. First of all. Congratulations on setting yourself up financially.
Now onto the subject at hand.

As @WillYouStopDave said ...a combination of being too picky and using the wrong bait is at work here.

See the highlighted part...I have a bachelor, a condo and a decent job. Don't lead conversations with that, please. These are personal acheivements for yourself, but non of these are particularly "sexy" qualities from a man's perspective.

I'm going to drive this point home with a very exaggerated example. Donald Trump is very boastful about his business acheivements, and it is well known that he has had many women in his life. However...if a successful businesswoman behaved just as pridefully as Trump...she would be very lonely.

As men we are socialized into competition from a young age. Everytime we step outside we are competing...from school life to adulthood. Failure isn't tolerated. It's a cold harsh world out there, and the last thing most men want is to feel like he is competing at home with his own woman.

If you ever fantasize about laying your head on a man's shoulder and telling him about your problems...remember men fantasize just as much about laying his head in the bossom of a beautiful woman and just closing his eyes and leaving the world's troubles behind.

So just remember, your personal acheivements are yours. He will find out soon enough what you are passionate about you don't need to lead every conversation by talking about your qualifications etc.

Next is the Husband Store
I'm sure you've seen this seemingly sexist joke circulating the internet.
As sexist as the joke may seem...it does have a bit of truth to it...be weary of pricing yourself out of the dating marketplace, using these "standards" that you speak of.

Let me give you a simple personal example. When I was a teenager, I thought I wanted a woman with long flowing hair ...after all...that's the beauty standard shown in movies. However my actual girlfriend has VERY KINKY hair but has a more rare quality that I wouldn't trade for the silkiest hair in the world...and that is...comfort.
 
#14 ·
See the highlighted part...I have a bachelor, a condo and a decent job. Don't lead conversations with that, please. These are personal acheivements for yourself, but non of these are particularly "sexy" qualities from a man's perspective.

...

As men we are socialized into competition from a young age. Everytime we step outside we are competing...from school life to adulthood. Failure isn't tolerated. It's a cold harsh world out there, and the last thing most men want is to feel like he is competing at home with his own woman.
Speak for yourself. I'm not a misogynist.

EDIT: God this the replies in this thread have me so fired up rn. Like wtf?
 
#7 ·
A lot of people don't have success on online dating, but I also note you say you're very untrusting so that probably effects your ability to find/connect with people in real life.

I don't know what your standards are or what you're looking for either because you didn't say.

If you want someone who appreciates the things about you that you think are selling points, you should look somewhere like here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/RoleReversal/

But I have a feeling you want a more egalitarian relationship where you're both allowed to be successful without a feeling of competition and that's basically impossible in this culture lol.

But yeah if you want someone more successful than you, and you are successful and you don't look like a model that could be a problem. The higher up the hierarchy you go, the more dimorphism there is.

Like if you want Trump you have to be Ivanka or one of the other wives, but why would you want Trump? It blows my mind lol. He's not even a goth (I mean he helped turn NYC into a gothic horror setting but I'm not sure that counts.) At least Hillary tried:



Oh man I edited this post too many times.

Hillary is terrible too. #sanders2020 even though I'm not American. (UK politics is just a competition for who is the least 'anti-Semitic' - scare quotes very necessary - now so I'ma watch you guys instead.) Peace out.

edit: I totally got his daughter's name mixed up with Melania, but I'm going to leave it there because it still fits. That was an accident though haha.
 
#8 · (Edited by Moderator)
[SNIP]

Maybe you should lower your standards a bit when it comes to appearance? Some men have no option but to do this, we don't have the options. If you are looking for the tattooed jock with tattoos who is also a nice respectful person... you are looking for a needle in a hay stack I'm afraid.

Just because a guy is nice to you and happens to like sci fi and gaming, doesn't mean he is a manipulator or a creep. Give him a chance. 'Nice guy's' are demonised and ignored by society and many women, then they wonder why they end up with *******s.

Anyway, that's my rant over. I hope I don't sound unpleasant. [SNIP]
 
#9 ·
Honestly something about the way the OP is worded seems like bait. Not many people are signing up to this forum anymore who haven't been here a long time and it just seems crafted to me. I could be wrong though.

Also it just seems like a weird first post to make but then there seems to have been tons of people signing up on this forum over the years whose only problem is not being able to find a partner so that kind of traffic has always ended up here for some reason.
 
#11 ·
I know I sound desperate when I type this but I just don't get how I am meant to be alone. I'm 25, have a bachelors, own a condo and have a decent job. I don't think I look overweight & I try to take care or my appearance. So why can't I find a man? I've tried the apps on and off for years. I always attract what I don't want. And what I do want: doesn't like me back, only wants casual or is a total jerk. I'm told I'm nice so what gives? I have no friends either. I'm pretty easy going and feel like I have been able to accomplish what I want out of life, for the exception of a social life and good boyfriend. I am very distrusting of people in general, due to my bad experiences. I don't think I'm overly picky and have every right to standards. I see people bigger and uglier or average looking, capable of finding a partner that I find appealing. I was fatter and didn't get attention, I'm smaller now and still alone. I don't message guys too often on the app, when I do make the first move, it doesn't work out. Am I the problem (clearly not)?
I'm not sure what dating app you're using, but make it as appealing as possible! Be as creative as you can. When you speak to men, do you sound excited and outgoing via the messages? The tone can set the stage for the whole first meet.

Happy to help! I met my wife on a dating site 7 years ago!
 
#17 ·
I wouldn't blame her, but that seems to be the norm with a lot of guys. That's why I posted that subreddit, because if you're failing everywhere else the guys there are guaranteed to not be intimidated.
 
#16 ·
Well, as far as the OP goes, there's a woeful lack of detail in that post so it's hard to say exactly what the issue is.

EDIT - Also, just from the post, OP says she is very distrusting (which is probably wise, TBH). The problem is that when you're very distrusting, that's a trait that you have to conceal (Because it's not very attractive and it's sometimes a red flag). And it's also a trait that is very difficult to conceal in person. Especially when you're dealing with someone who may also be apprehensive and is prying. If it gets to a point where both parties seem to be gently prying, it gets tense and uncomfortable. If the other person senses that you don't trust them after they make concessions, they may start to get a bit frustrated in dealing with you.

I mean, really. It's hard to say. This forum exists because socializing is a minefield these days. Most of us are here because we're confused and/or frustrated or have just plain given up.
 
#22 ·
Well first...I'm glad I don't know a guy like that.

And unfortunately this all sounds like you have to navigate through a lot of unspoken rules. Then you have men saying the dating scene is hard because they have to give more to receive. But then we have others saying they're intimidated when the woman tries to make it more equal and show she can also provide and be willing to contribute.

This is why I put emphasis on my original post. It's better to meet someone when the sole intention isn't to establish a relationship. When you're not solely searching for it. Meeting someone via your hobbies or interests you are pursuing will lead to better outcomes overall.

Don't have to put up with the extra garbage
 
#23 ·
Well first...I'm glad I don't know a guy like that.

And unfortunately this all sounds like you have to navigate through a lot of unspoken rules. Then you have men saying the dating scene is hard because they have to give more to receive. But then we have others saying they're intimidated when the woman tries to make it more equal and show she can also provide and be willing to contribute.

This is why I put emphasis on my original post. It's better to meet someone when the sole intention isn't to establish a relationship. When you're not solely searching for it. Meeting someone via your hobbies or interests you are pursuing will lead to better outcomes overall.

Don't have to put up with the extra garbage
Yes I agree online dating sites make you basically upload a CV like you're applying for a job. Then you go to an interview which is the date. It's pretty unnatural when you think about it.
 
#26 ·
@OP I see a bit of myself in your post. I'm not as settled as you are. But I am very distrustful of other people too. When you don't see the world as a safe place, every social interaction feels like a game of spy vs spy, where you are on the lookout for the smallest hint that the other person doesn't like/approve of you. Even on those rare occasions when you do manage to 'be yourself', it takes sooo much energy that you wonder how long you can keep this up before your 'mask' slips, and the other person discovers the 'real' you and gets turned off by it. There's rarely enough momentum to even go that far, and before you know it, you've become accustomed to keeping everyone at a distance and walling yourself in. It sounds ridiculous when I type it out here, but at the same time it feels so real in my head - the stress, the fear, the imminent dangers, of being close to someone. Being picky is a defense mechanism. Maybe being shy and passive is, too.
 
#29 ·
No the OP came here to troll, but in fairness their post would have seemed perfectly normal if not posted here. It's only because of the kind of people who frequent forums like this that this kind of trolling attempt works at triggering people lol.

They posted another thread three times and one was the day after they posted the first two. People like this kind of just go around to various places posting stuff and see who bites.

Let's actually break down the post:

I know I sound desperate when I type this but I just don't get how I am meant to be alone. I'm 25, have a bachelors, own a condo and have a decent job. I don't think I look overweight & I try to take care or my appearance. So why can't I find a man? I've tried the apps on and off for years. I always attract what I don't want. And what I do want: doesn't like me back, only wants casual or is a total jerk. I'm told I'm nice so what gives? I have no friends either. I'm pretty easy going and feel like I have been able to accomplish what I want out of life, for the exception of a social life and good boyfriend. I am very distrusting of people in general, due to my bad experiences. I don't think I'm overly picky and have every right to standards. I see people bigger and uglier or average looking, capable of finding a partner that I find appealing. I was fatter and didn't get attention, I'm smaller now and still alone. I don't message guys too often on the app, when I do make the first move, it doesn't work out. Am I the problem (clearly not)?
The red highlighted parts were to annoy men, and the blue parts were to annoy women. It definitely worked so honestly at this point I'm just like grats.

I dunno that the part where they list achievements was intended to be annoying in a gender specific way probably just to add fuel or something same with 'am I the problem (clearly not)?.' I cba doing the same with their other post but I think that one was better.
 
#33 ·
No the OP came here to troll, but in fairness their post would have seemed perfectly normal if not posted here. It's only because of the kind of people who frequent forums like this that this kind of trolling attempt works at triggering people lol.

They posted another thread three times and one was the day after they posted the first two. People like this kind of just go around to various places posting stuff and see who bites.

Let's actually break down the post:

The red highlighted parts were to annoy men, and the blue parts were to annoy women. It definitely worked so honestly at this point I'm just like grats.

I dunno that the part where they list achievements was intended to be annoying in a gender specific way probably just to add fuel or something same with 'am I the problem (clearly not)?.' I cba doing the same with their other post but I think that one was better.
Yeah it's always great to know you wasted your effort with a genuine response for someone who's only intention was to bait people. The first thing is that they never respond to anyone.

And I guess the rest only works of you're triggered by that kind of ****.
 
#30 ·
Get a boob job & ride a pogo stick everywhere, works evertime 😉
 
#31 ·
would you consider yourself more successful than most of the men you are coming across? if so, that probably explains it. (if OP is making a serious post but also in case anyone else reading has the same problem and is being genuine)
the solution could be that you might need to aim higher. look for men that earn more, have a more successful career than you. from your opening post you seem to be quite focused on achievement, men who are achieving less than you aren't what you want long term.

part of this comes down to smv, women want a man with more sexual market value than themselves. you increase this smv by doing things like self improvement, or competing and winning at something, or having high goals and lists of potential achievements. if you are in the situation as a woman in the OP I would suggest looking for guys who are more pro active in those things listed above than you. the goals always shift with this and to stay at a high smv you need to always be on the ball and making yourself the best person you can be.
 
#35 ·
^ I don't think so. Well my original post was purposefully facetious. I did start out writing it seriously and then just sort of descended into ****posting about the direction the thread took.
 
#37 ·
Troll or not, I just wanted to point out that I'm one of those men who would prefer to be in an egalitarian relationship, one where she at the very least pulls her own weight. I make decent money so it's not like I want to leech or anything. It's just that I've never felt like being the provider type that society expects of men looking for a long term partner.

I want to meet a woman who isn't looking for a man to support her. Sadly, personal dating experience has shown that that isn't the type of woman I seem to attract. I met one woman...ONE...who was much better off than me and didn't care. Unfortunately other things got in the way of that potential relationship.
 
#40 ·
^ I feel like it depends on your class. You seem to know a lot of successful people who have become doctors and lawyers etc. Working class women are often more successful than working class men these days at least in the UK. Working class men are the least likely group to be university educated for example. My family aren't working class but they're like I dunno lower middle probably maybe my mum's was more working class. My mum was more successful than my dad ended up going to university later on, but never left him she was always dissatisfied with the relationship because he didn't show affection because of his mental health issues and other things I won't go into (although it is highly relevant.) They're still not divorced but he was the one who moved out, he cheated on her at least once early into the relationship and nearly twice because she caught him trying and I overheard that argument when I was a kid. He spent a lot of time with this one female friend my mum always assumed he'd run off with (and who he nearly kissed that one time.) Their relationship always seemed ****ed up to me, but I'd say 70% of it was my dad the other 30% was my mum not leaving him or communicating either. All I'll say is she still didn't technically leave him even though their relationship was completely broken down even when he went to prison for something ****ed up.

This is why I remain convinced that dimorphism increases with class (I think the gender difference with physical violence is also lower at the bottom, still huge because it's probably the biggest sex difference but actually reducing in size as time goes on.... I think in some countries this is sped up by private prisons like this one.) There's also the matter that Western countries have larger personality differences between the sexes than other countries do.
 
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