Please tell me what (if anything) is wrong with my thinking. It's a big obstacle for me:
"I don't want guys to think I'm interested in them. That's because I don't realistically believe they're interested in me. I believe that if I show interest, the guy will be flattered and his self-esteem will be boosted. However, he won't reciprocate that interest and therefore pity me as the girl whose interest is unrequited. He may talk to me and be nice out of pity, but he won't actually want to go out with me. This may be wrong, but it's just how I feel. Also, if he DOES demonstrate interest after I've shown interest, I will always feel that he's only interested in me because I'm interested in him, otherwise he wouldn't give a **** about me....it's like the only thing that makes me attractive to him is that I boost his ego by being interested. I'm also afraid that he will agree to go out with me even if he doesn't like me just because he is afraid of hurting my feelings and/or is desperate for anyone. Then I will feel like I'm just dragging him around unwillingly. I will also always think to myself that he could do better than me. I know he doesn't really want a girl like me...I know what type of girl he REALLY wants."
I see two possibilities here: 1. I need to change my way of thinking or 2. My thinking is may be correct OCCASIONALLY but I need to just suck it up and risk the possibility of not being liked. i.e. get some COURAGE to face possible rejection!
1. You need to change your way of thinking.
2. Your thinking may be correct OCCASIONALLY but you need to just suck it up and risk the possibility of not being liked. i.e. get some COURAGE to face possible rejection!
You answered your own question. If a girl shows interest, and a guy is not into you; they will let you know by avoidance or just telling you. If a guy is actually into you, they will happily enjoy this interest and show you reciprocation; but not out of pity. How can a potential mate see your true worth if you don't see it in yourself? Low self esteem can be seen very easily.
People get rejected all the time. Sure it sucks, but not everyone is right for everyone. It takes work to find the one who is right for you. You can subscribe to my newsletter later.
1. You need to change your way of thinking.
2. Your thinking may be correct OCCASIONALLY but you need to just suck it up and risk the possibility of not being liked. i.e. get some COURAGE to face possible rejection!
You answered your own question. If a girl shows interest, and a guy is not into you; they will let you know by avoidance or just telling you. If a guy is actually into you, they will happily enjoy this interest and show you reciprocation; but not out of pity. How can a potential mate see your true worth if you don't see it in yourself? Low self esteem can be seen very easily.
People get rejected all the time. Sure it sucks, but not everyone is right for everyone. It takes work to find the one who is right for you. You can subscribe to my newsletter later.
Ok, here's the thing. I intellectually comprehend that people get rejected all the time. That is where high self-esteem helps. A confident girl will say, "He missed out on a great girl" or "He wasn't that special anyway" (both of which I think are kind of cocky and/or defensive but I digress) whereas I might say, "I get why he rejected me. Hell, I would have rejected myself if I had his social status!"
Now, about my "true worth". The thing is, some of the qualities that make me attractive to some people are the very same qualities for which I was berated as a child- my hypersensitivity for example. Therefore, when people find themselves attracted to me for those reasons, I become distressed and annoyed. I think to myself, "Don't they know what an awful and maladaptive quality that is?" "Why do they devalue themselves by being interested in that quality?"
Now, I can see that I may be over-thinking this in comparison to some people. However, I KNOW that a lot of people on these forums think like me based on some of the posts I've read. I think I've just explained myself in more detail than some other people. These thoughts are usually automatic and subconscious mind you, so I am not usually consciously aware of them.
Anyway, thank you rdrr, JMX, rcapo89, and bwidger85 for replying! And I wouldn't mind reading more peoples' opinions too
I think that you may be thinking too deeply. You may want to approach men without high expectations, and in a much more casual manner. You could even talk to them as if they're girls. I sometimes try to do this when I'm talking to girls; I try to talk to them as if I'm talking to a guy. Overall, I think thinking about this matter too much may cause problems, but that's just my thought.
Wow women are so complicated...
But seriously I think you're complicating the situation. When it comes to relationships most men are simple. If a guy likes you he will hang out with you, if he doesn't he will avoid you. If you show interest in a guy he won't pity you.
If a guy wants to be with you he'll be with you. If a guy doesn’t want to be with you he will then make it obvious as well (pity or no pity). I don't know any guys that date out of pity, but if you find one then you'll be able to tell through indicators he demonstrates, such as disinterest or disrespect. In any case, you don't want someone who will disrespect you or pay no interest in you, as these could be signs of someone dating with resentment (pity). Go for the ones who treat you well because I think it would be nearly impossible to hide feelings of resentment if someone did date out of pity.
The whole boosting their confidence thing sounds a lot like me. But would it be so bad if they liked you in part because you like them? Interest can be very attractive in itself. Who knows, maybe these guys think you wouldn't be interested in them if they went for you and so they don't try themselves.
Also, if he DOES demonstrate interest after I've shown interest, I will always feel that he's only interested in me because I'm interested in him, otherwise he wouldn't give a **** about me....
2. My thinking is may be correct OCCASIONALLY but I need to just suck it up and risk the possibility of not being liked. i.e. get some COURAGE to face possible rejection!
You're thinking too negatively. Yes, OCCASIONALLY your worst fears may be right, but OCCASIONALLY your highest hopes may be correct too, when you think about it. And you can show casual interest in a guy, just talk to him; it may lead to something or it may not. As long as you dont come on too strong right away it's all good.
Also if I think a girl is interested in me, it tends to make me interested in her too, if there's any chemistry and we are at all compatible. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
I see two possibilities here: 1. I need to change my way of thinking or 2. My thinking is may be correct OCCASIONALLY but I need to just suck it up and risk the possibility of not being liked. i.e. get some COURAGE to face possible rejection!
If contemplating entering a situation to test your assumptions, and rejection is possible, it is wise to possess more than courage. First, it should be decided how exactly to go about testing your assumptions about men. If you enter a situation with the correct strategies, taking small, gradual steps, it will be less likely to put your self-esteem at further risk. Your way of thinking appears to be based on a number of assumptions rather than concrete evidence or facts, so testing these assumptions within a rational framework as you gradually expose yourself to your fears is the only way to determine their validity.
Your fundamental belief here is that guys are not really interested in you; therefore, no matter how they react, your mind will likely interpret it in a way that confirms this belief. Without becoming a mind-reader, there can be no proof this is not the case, and this is how the anxiety and belief are perpetuated. When exposing yourself to this situation, there therefore needs to be strategies in place for dealing with this doubt/lack of proof. Many of the signs your mind might interpret to be evidence (or proof) of you core belief could be based on fear and assumption, and it takes practise to learn to recognise this because it can be very convincing. The first step involves recognising that you just don't know whether something is the case until you have accumulated objective evidence.
I relate to the hypersensitivity example. It seems to be a case of thinking in terms of black and white, good or bad. In reality, such attributes can be both a gift and a curse. Hypersensitivity is an excellent example: it is strongly associated with giftedness and compassion, but also pain and disability. The point is that it is many things.
If a girl I wasn't attracted to started showing interest in me I would probably avoid her. I wouldn't lead them on because I wouldn't want to get that close to someone I wasn't into.
I'm not a confident guy, though.
I don't think many (any?) guys would date out of pity. As others said, if a guy is interested, they'll hang out with you. If they're not, they'll avoid you.
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Social Anxiety Support Forum
8.4M posts
212.4K members
Since 2004
A forum community dedicated to people with social anxiety. Come join the discussion about recovery, discussion, spirituality, therapy, medication, self help, treatment, and more!