Why do so many guys think a relationship will solve all their problems? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 07:35 AM Thread Starter
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Why do so many guys think a relationship will solve all their problems?


Something I've noticed on here is how many men who have never been in a relationship think a relationship will solve all their problems. Here's my opinion:

I'm a 19 year old guy. I've been depressed since I was 12. I had my first relationship when I was 15. Since then, I have dated 9 different girls. Absolutely NONE of the girls I have dated have boosted my self esteem. Sure, being in a relationship boosted my self esteem, but it was extremely temporary. I only really date because I seek validation from these girls. I want to know I'm worth something, and the only way I feel I can do that is by dating some girl. I get in many relationships with abusive and manipulative women because of this. Most of my relationships have hurt my depression more than they have helped it. There is a honeymoon period at the beginning of my relationships in which I feel a little happier because I feel like I've finally found the right person. But it never lasts. Both me and the person I'm dating eventually grow to hate each other and the relationship falls apart. Probably because I myself am self-hating and depressed. No one seems to want to be around that for long.

Honestly, my message to you guys is that being in a relationship will not solve all your problems. Relationships are great (with the right person) but they come with problems of their own.
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post #2 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 07:40 AM
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We don't....we think a relationship will solve our lack-of-a-relationship problem, which is a pretty big ****ing problem.
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post #3 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 07:42 AM
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post #4 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 07:50 AM
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It's about having someone you can trust and be close to that can help you through your problems. Almost everyone has had or will have bad relationships but to give up trying to find the right one because of that is a waste.

Finding the right person for you could potentially change your life completely, many people who have gone through problems with anxiety, depression and worse say they couldn't have done it without someone close to them for support.

What's wrong with running away from reality if it sucks?

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post #5 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by JTHearts View Post
Something I've noticed on here is how many men who have never been in a relationship think a relationship will solve all their problems. Here's my opinion:

I'm a 19 year old guy. I've been depressed since I was 12. I had my first relationship when I was 15. Since then, I have dated 9 different girls. Absolutely NONE of the girls I have dated have boosted my self esteem. Sure, being in a relationship boosted my self esteem, but it was extremely temporary. I only really date because I seek validation from these girls. I want to know I'm worth something, and the only way I feel I can do that is by dating some girl. I get in many relationships with abusive and manipulative women because of this. Most of my relationships have hurt my depression more than they have helped it. There is a honeymoon period at the beginning of my relationships in which I feel a little happier because I feel like I've finally found the right person. But it never lasts. Both me and the person I'm dating eventually grow to hate each other and the relationship falls apart. Probably because I myself am self-hating and depressed. No one seems to want to be around that for long.

Honestly, my message to you guys is that being in a relationship will not solve all your problems. Relationships are great (with the right person) but they come with problems of their own.

I totally agree with you. People are conditioned to believe if they just get the next thing they will be happy. It simply will not fix the problem. In this case the problem is preventing them from being able to date a girl so if they manage to correct the problem they will start a meaningful relationship and they will say "See I just needed a girl friend!". Bottom line is they fixed the underlying problem and they just didnt realize it. Quite interesting to observe considering I was in the exact same position 10 years or so ago.

Being happy is all about being able to accept who you are and choosing not to focus on what you don't have. It is learning to be satisfied with less. Easy to say but not easy to do at all.
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post #6 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 10:14 AM
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No offense, but teenage relationships aren't known for being mature or substantial. It's just practice, training wheels for eventual adult relationships. Hopefully the skills and experience learned here will build a bridge towards more fulfilling relationships later on.

If you're lonely and want love and companionship and affection and sex and quality conversation and a person to look forward to and hang out with and go do things with - yes a relationship will fix those problems.

If you are severely depressed, anxious, hate yourself, are a negative Nancy - being in a relationship can help you overcome those things but it can't entirely solve them without you putting in the work to understand yourself and become a better person. The love and support and encouragement of someone who truly cares can make the difference.
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post #7 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 10:20 AM
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It's not about just maintaining a relationship. It's about building a rapport with members of the opposite sex and gaining experience. You've dated 9 different girls you say? Well you've obtained a profound amount of experience in relating to and dealing with women, not to mention that your sexual experience has increased significantly.

BTW how the hell have you dated so many girls???? What the **** do you do? How do I follow in your footsteps?

“It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”
― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot
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post #8 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 10:23 AM
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Having a relationship won't solve your problems. It will only create more problems. Especially if you get jealous easily and you look like easy-to-dump material.
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post #9 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 10:28 AM
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Go without one for a few years and you'll understand.

**** the past
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post #10 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 10:45 AM
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It's an ego thing. He has low self esteem and would feel worthy if a hot woman wanted him. He needs a hot woman to be a hero for him by making up for his unpleasant past. So he's basing his happiness on the hot woman when that happiness could be taken away from him if the relationship ends.
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post #11 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 10:54 AM
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I can articulate this very easily.

Relationships do HELP to solve all your problems, and the reason for is, that you are a biological machine that is governed by the biochemistry that takes place in your body, your moods, your health, your physical appearance, your energy levels are all the result of biochemical processes, and on a biological level what greater validation is there to your being than being attractive both physically and mentally to someone of the opposite sex? Someone willing to spend time with you, someone willing to have sex with you.. Once in a relationship you receive that very important validation of having the potential means to pass your genes with... and because of that your body, will produce more of the chemistry that makes you happy,that makes you energized and all of this will translate into you being more driven, more energized, more positive in life, which will reflect into everything else that you do, whether that be professional ventures, personal growth...


I can link to numerous studies that show that people that have spouses live longer, and are happier, and more successful than people that do not(in the general sense). And people that don't have spouses typically are more prone to depressions, and illness, and suffer from lack of energy and drive which hurts them in life.
So yes, while you will not grow a pair of wings, and 10 million dollars will not appear in your bank account after you get into a relationship... You will be more equipped to achieve success.




/thread
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post #12 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 10:58 AM
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Right. A good number of people on here who were in relationships have been open about their struggles as being victims of domestic abuse. Not saying that you should avoid relationships as long as you still have SA, but to be cautious and use your head, something that's difficult to do when your severe SA messes with your judgment. Manipulative people can easily spot your vulnerabilities and only enter a relationship with you just to exercise control over you to boost their own poor self-esteem. This is why it makes me cringe whenever people on this forum admit to having the lowest standards because with that kind of attitude, you can attract the wrong people who can destroy your life if you're not careful.
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post #13 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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BTW how the hell have you dated so many girls???? What the **** do you do? How do I follow in your footsteps?
Idk really. I just wait until I see one I like and if they appear friendly then I talk to them and ask them out. I'm very direct, I usually ask them to be my girlfriend pretty fast.
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post #14 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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I can articulate this very easily.

Relationships do HELP to solve all your problems, and the reason for is, that you are a biological machine that is governed by the biochemistry that takes place in your body, your moods, your health, your physical appearance, your energy levels are all the result of biochemical processes, and on a biological level what greater validation is there to your being than being attractive both physically and mentally to someone of the opposite sex? Someone willing to spend time with you, someone willing to have sex with you.. Once in a relationship you receive that very important validation of having the potential means to pass your genes with... and because of that your body, will produce more of the chemistry that makes you happy,that makes you energized and all of this will translate into you being more driven, more energized, more positive in life, which will reflect into everything else that you do, whether that be professional ventures, personal growth...


I can link to numerous studies that show that people that have spouses live longer, and are happier, and more successful than people that do not(in the general sense). And people that don't have spouses typically are more prone to depressions, and illness, and suffer from lack of energy and drive which hurts them in life.
So yes, while you will not grow a pair of wings, and 10 million dollars will not appear in your bank account after you get into a relationship... You will be more equipped to achieve success.




/thread
I'm not sure I believe in all that biology stuff. I don't think it applies to humans.
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post #15 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 11:21 AM
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Idk really. I just wait until I see one I like and if they appear friendly then I talk to them and ask them out. I'm very direct, I usually ask them to be my girlfriend pretty fast.
Where does your social anxiety fit in there then? Does it not have an impact on your confidence?

“It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”
― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot
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post #16 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 11:26 AM Thread Starter
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Where does your social anxiety fit in there then? Does it not have an impact on your confidence?
It does, usually I'm terrified to ask but I only really ask girls who seem to have low standards. I don't really have any confidence so that's why I ask low standard girls.
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post #17 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 11:27 AM
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I'm not sure I believe in all that biology stuff. I don't think it applies to humans.


This should be meme'd.




Umm.................................. if you want to believe that humans are made out of magical fairy dust, be my guest.
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post #18 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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This should be meme'd.




Umm.................................. if you want to believe that humans are made out of magical fairy dust, be my guest.
Well we certainly aren't uncivilized animals. Maybe you would have been right if you had said that about humans 10,000 years ago, but ever since sedentary society and agriculture were invented, that biology stuff doesn't really apply.
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post #19 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 11:32 AM
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Relationships dont solve self-esteem issues

Sex does!

(Sex with young, hot, non-tweaker girls)

Don't be mad, hatin is bad
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post #20 of 44 (permalink) Old 11-21-2015, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
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Relationships dont solve self-esteem issues

Sex does!

(Sex with young, hot, non-tweaker girls)
No, it doesn't.
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