Why do people think having friends is a must in life - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 41 (permalink) Old 12-29-2019, 12:57 PM
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Well I would say most people expect others to have friends basically because it's a societal norm. It's like anything else - getting a job, having a gf/bf, getting married, moving away from the family home. If someone doesn't do or have these things it indicates an abnormality. Most people don't like abnormalities and see them as a warning sign.

It doesn't seem particularly surprising to me at all.
Yep . people see it as abnormal or not their normal and just feel sorry for you. I still remember my coworker when he asked if I had a man, or kids(at the time no) and I said no.. He just looked at me with pity and shook his head. It made me feel bad. Idk if im the only one here like this..but I like people and like to build relationships but like another person said I feel something keeps me from reaching a deeper level with most people( not from my lack of trying though) most people already have friends or idk just dont wanna be my friend lol.

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I don't know if people view it as sad per say but there is this general sort of notion that you must be a little strange not to have any. However I've meet a few people who are weirded out by my lack of a social circle...but I'm always floored when they're anxious to do things independently. I.e the people who are quick to judge me negatively are always scared to be alone I've noticed. When I was a little younger I'd often go on break at work alone and browse around or sit on a bench enjoying the day. Completely content. However my coworker at the time remarked it was such a "loner" thing to do, which didn't really phase me....I just found it ignorant that she was attempting to insult me but it looked to me sad on her end that to be able to sit on a bench and enjoy life she needed someone else with her. I understand the importance of friends and having connections, though I've always been poor at it, so I'm not going to say it's better to be alone. Because my take is that having people in your life, and loving others, is important....but I also think it's important to be comfortable with yourself.
Im floored by that too..one good thing i can say is being alone has helped me be independent and do stuff alone.
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post #22 of 41 (permalink) Old 12-29-2019, 03:37 PM
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I was recently around some of my cousins who are true extroverts if there ever were any. They can talk for hours without taking a breath. They laugh, smile, and tell story after story. Being around them feels sort of like if you were running on a track and someone lapped you every five seconds. This isn't to say they are bad people of course, only that they are almost total opposites to me. People like them I can understand why they would hate to be alone for long periods of time. They clearly get so much out of being around others. It's so enjoyable for them to bounce jokes, stories, and ideas back and forth.

For me, even the relatively good times I've felt limited, because I stutter I never share long stories or hardly any stories at all, I don't joke much, I might not say much at all because I'd rather not speak than stutter. Where for my cousins it may feel like they have glorious wings and are soaring in the air. For me it's more like being a penguin whose waddling around hoping they don't trip on the ice.

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post #23 of 41 (permalink) Old 12-29-2019, 03:47 PM
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I'm introverted, but having friends makes me happier. I rely on friends for advice, and also, there are some things I don't enjoy doing alone but like doing with them, like dancing or karaoke. As much as I struggle with them, meaningful relationships are one of the only things that make my life feel worth living.

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post #24 of 41 (permalink) Old 12-29-2019, 09:10 PM
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@harrison I know I shouldn't but it's not like I just have a switch to flip to change my way of thinking. If it was that easy this forum wouldn't exist. :-)
Motivation, self belief, energy the main ingredients for living an agreeable life are hard to find for me. Oh well at least since I found this place I talk about it, I never talk about it in real life...
Yes, that's true mate - sorry, I don't mean to be rude. Just trying to give you a bit of encouragement. Life doesn't have to stay the same as it is now.
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post #25 of 41 (permalink) Old 12-30-2019, 07:00 PM
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New term Social mechanics?

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post #26 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 11:29 AM
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Try telling this to my shrink. She can not comprehend that i genuinitely like not having friends and people around.


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post #27 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 03:28 PM
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It's not a "must," but it makes life more bearable and worth living. For those claiming that they don't need friends (as in, human beings to interact with), let me ask you this: why are you on this forum?
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post #28 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 03:57 PM
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For those claiming that they don't need friends (as in, human beings to interact with), let me ask you this: why are you on this forum?
"For fun"

(That was sarcasm)

Well I used to have not even one, but few friends in school and you know what? I was ditched, no one of them never were my actual fiends as it had to be found out later. From these times I learned that having friends is a big no no. I don't want any friends anymore, I don't need anyone anymore, I like spending my own time alone, I like being alone...

To finally answer question I can say that I'm here for my anxiety reasons, not because of friends...

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
I'll put drunk raccoon in my signature as well, because I CAN...
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post #29 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 04:06 PM
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It's not a "must," but it makes life more bearable and worth living. For those claiming that they don't need friends (as in, human beings to interact with), let me ask you this: why are you on this forum?
The problem is that there's a big difference between interacting with people in person and interacting with people by choice. Most of the time people "befriend" people they are just stuck with due to their circumstances. Most of the "friends" I ever made were at school or work (for example). So these were people I probably wouldn't have chosen if I wasn't stuck with them.

I came here by choice, stayed here by choice and still am here by choice. But the interaction on this forum is (or has been) largely something I wanted to do. If I'm stuck with the same people all day at work and I just happen to like some of them well enough to have a few beers with them in the evening, that's convenience. We have the same off hours and we don't hate one another and we can piss and moan about how much we hate the job.

I am here because I have more in common with these people than having the same company name on a paycheck. But at the same time, I wouldn't meet anyone from here in person because that's why I'm here. If I wanted to deal with people in person, I wouldn't need a forum.

If someone decides to say something obnoxious or stressful on a forum, you can ignore them. It's a lot harder in person.
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post #30 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
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Try telling this to my shrink. She can not comprehend that i genuinitely like not having friends and people around.
That’s why I think shrinks are full of ****. I have a ****ing warzone in my head but I’d rather go crazy than go to a shrink. They’re just a person with a lot of schooling that tries to get you to think how they think people should be in the world. **** that.
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post #31 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 03:49 AM
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To quote Teal Swan, "it is a travesty that humans try to force themselves to not need what they need".
The real travesty is that other people will try to convince you that you need or don't need what you don't or do need. Simply because they do or don't need it themselves.

Is it just me or is it getting crazier out there.
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post #32 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 04:04 AM
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In my opinion, there's a lot of grey area here. Who counts as a 'friend'? For some, 'friend' means anyone you've spoken to and don't hate; for others, 'friends' are only those that you spend time with, talk to regularly, and would feel comfortable talking to about personal matters. Under the first, having no friends would be quite lonely; under the second, you haven't found anyone close yet. And of course, there's a raft of ideas between and beyond.

I think that people feel bad for lonely people is that most people like companionship. They like having someone to talk to, someone to spend time with, someone to go out with etc. So when they hear you say you have no friends, they relate to how they'd feel under that circumstance. As it is, humans are social creatures, so being lonely, especially in a world of billions of people, can seem quite sad in that sense.

Perhaps you don't want friends, or want some and have none. Maybe you prefer being alone. But being alone and having no friends come across in a certain way to most people, in a world of billions of people, tech that allows you to connect to people on the other side of the world, and where friendship is seen as a fundamental factor of life contentment.

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post #33 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 07:32 AM
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People these days are crazy! Go on and make a bunch of friends, it won't be long until you at least have to constantly hear about their drama or even get directly dragged into their drama.
Most people these days don't even have a concept of what friendship is and they certainly don't understand give and take, boundaries, or how to communicate properly. Nor do they care.
They sure hate to be alone though, because narcissists always hate to be alone.
In this current environment the more comfortable you are with being alone the better your life will be.
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post #34 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 09:53 AM
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There's a lot of talk nowadays about introverts and extroverts - and apparently true introverts don't feel the need to have people around them so strongly, if at all.

I'd say at my core I'm introverted - but I know for a fact I need people in my life. More people than are currently there, that's for sure. It's hard to make a connection with people as you get older I think, but basically impossible if you don't give yourself a chance - like I often do by hiding away in my apartment. (for various reasons)

Having a connection with another human being and knowing they care about you is the most amazing feeling someone can ever have, in my opinion anyway. And I'm going to get it again.
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post #35 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-08-2020, 01:07 AM
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I think with a lot of people it is either they are loners and antisocial or they have tons of friends, and nothing in between. I don't like people who have a ton of "friends" and those types, if you go out with them, they will talk to random strangers and ignore you. Very annoying, I mean the outgoing types seem to have no true friends, just people to chat about surface BS.

I rarely had friends, but I recognize that being a loner is sad on some level. It is made worse by people noticing and commenting, "you are alone?" but I do partially lose my mind from loneliness and often feel in a catatonic state from isolation.

At the same time, I don't really believe in friendship, at least not in a long-lasting way. A friend I think is someone you need to see face to face a few times a week and stay in contact on the phone even more regularly. Yea, so typing or messaging someone online, i don't consider that a friend. Friendship doesn't last anyway. Not true friendship. A superficial friendship where you play chess and comment how nice the weather is can last for 50 years, but it isn't a real friendship.

I think part of the stigma about not having friends is legitimate, i mean being alone with your own thoughts all the time is not healthy on some level. At the same time, people should not be judged as harshly as they are for not having friends. One very annoying thing is if you go to a dating site or profile somewhere, a lot of people say, "Have friends who I love and cherish and adore" and "BFF" and
"I have a solid core of friends and a few close friends" I mean God, if you have to announce how solid your friendships are, they probably aren't that solid to begin with
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post #36 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-08-2020, 03:12 AM
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I've noticed a lot of guys are much more interested in sexual relationships than friendships. This is also probably why they often lack social support. Even my partner who is ambiverted (and most people are ambiverted btw, not extroverted) and has quite a lot of friends, still doesn't seem to have particularly close friends and I know I'm his main source of emotional support. I'm extremely introverted, and avoidant, so I prefer spending most of my time alone because I enjoy myself more that way. Socialising is mostly a chore (I only feel I can socially switch off around relationship partners and some family members, so that doesn't really count) but I see it as an investment. Kind of like brushing your teeth so that you don't have to deal with poor health and medical / dental costs later down the track. I sometimes like having people in the background as long as there's no pressure to interact, because it's tiring, boring or stressful for me. This is probably why I'm okay with relationships and some family because often you're around each other but not interacting, and even then I still want breaks from that too.
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post #37 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-16-2020, 10:33 PM
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To me, friends are overrated. Most people act fake and like they don't really give 2 ****s about people like me. Plus, I get easily turned off by people's sketchy behavior, comments, and attitude. I like having no drama, chaos, manipulation, and negativity in my life.
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post #38 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-17-2020, 12:22 AM
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I was talking to a coworker and she asked if I had any friends and I said no. I actually do have a few but I don’t make any effort to hang out with them so I just said no. She acted like I was an alien and told me that not having friends was the saddest thing ever.

First of all, I hate feeling obligated to do things. If I had lots of friends, I’d have to constantly make up excuses not to do things with them because I have no interest whatsoever in hanging out with random people. Unless there’s sex involved and it’s with a female, I’d rather just spend my precious time alone doing things I love. I guess that concept is just so ****ing hard to understand to normies.

Don’t you guys get fed up with others assuming you live a sad life just because you’re not constantly talking with lots of stupid humans around you?

It takes me a long time to actually like and care for someone so unless I really like the company of somebody, I’m happy living my life the way it is.

My theory is that so many people these days (including some on here, apparently) get their happiness from others whereas my happiness comes from my hobbies, state of mind etc.

Sometimes I feel like I need to write a book explaining my ideologies and studies to people so they can analyze it.

Rant over, y’all.
Very good point in the underlined. I think they just don't understand, it can be annoying to you though. I didn't understand either until I read the boards. I don't know much about this but I think it depends on your personality or disorder, some people have Avpd so they avoid things out of fear but it doesn't mean they don't want friendship or a relationship; however, bc of the fear/insecurity they end up feeling very comfortable just when they're alone, but it doesn't mean they won't be lonely- correct me if I'm wrong on this. but normally people need friends to socialize w/ and be happier or a lot happier- to socialize, love and be loved so I think that's why it's not widely understood, or personality types are not widely understood.
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post #39 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 12:19 AM
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People don't need friends perse but they do need socialization of some sort.

I'm sure it has been touched on in some form already on this thread so I won't make a long winded reply but many studies indicate that if a human doesn't socialize in regular intervals, their mental faculties deteriorate to some extent. It's why many of us are on here and why we post. We seek attention, in some fashion or another, from our posts,

The concept of "friends" however is an antiquated notion. People often avoid any form of solitude by any means necessary which often means that they forgo improving cognition of their circumstances. They act stupid, don't think about various situations and quite often find themselves in precarious situations all for the appeasement of their "friends".

In my experience, no one has been a friend to me. They only text me if they need me and even that is rare. No one calls me or texts me just to say "Hi" or ask how I am doing. I can go years without hearing from specific people and this wouldn't perturb me if they weren't the ones who initiated the relationship. Only a few people have my number but of those few, ALL of them asked to be my friend yet have never taken initiative to develop it.

In short, friendships certainly aren't necessary but interaction of some kind is.

We haven't lived in anything remotely close to "real" since the turn of the century.
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post #40 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 03:48 PM
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It's really sad how people look down on you if you tell them that you don't have close friends, like, is that really so pathetic?

One time, I was talking with my coworkers, and all of them had their own close circle of friends except me, right? So they were talking about all the adventures they went on, and I kinda blurted out, "Oh, I don't really have any friends so it's not like I get to go out of town that often". And people just looked at me really weird, they all had this really uncomfortable look on their face.

If I was in a calmer state of mind, I probably wouldn't have revealed that tidbit about myself to them. But I just got so stressed out, like I couldn't hold in my frustration, shame, and embarrassment anymore because the way they were talking about their friends was making me extremely jealous. From looking at their responses, I could tell that I was not compatible with these people, that we would only ever be work acquaintances at best.

I feel really worthless during moments like this, though. I keep thinking that having a circle of close friends requires you to have worth of some kind, and that if you don't have worth then you won't be able to land these awesome friendships. Trying to raise my self-esteem has been more or less fruitless as of late, because I just don't believe it when I tell myself "I'm awesome" or "People do like you". They sound like empty platitudes.

Anyway, that's the sort of impression that most "normal" people have towards those with few/no friends. It's a little degrading, and it really damages my self-esteem sometimes.
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