Why can't I just stop talking to him! - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2009, 11:08 PM Thread Starter
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Why can't I just stop talking to him!


There is the guy that I really liked and wanted him to be my boyfriend. But he didn't want that. I would talk to him all the time so much so that he told me more than once to stop talking to him. But I couldn't do it. I know it probably sounds weird to most people. Of course the right thing to do would have been just to stop talking to him but I felt like I couldn't. I am just mad at myself because last night I talked to him again even after he said not to talk to him or else. I don't know how he can get back at me for doing that. Alcohol was involved which made it nearly impossible not to talk to him. Or maybe I was just using that as an excuse. I was really mean and insulting to him too. Not there was any hope for me to see him again anyway. I hope I can stop because I think I'm just making things worse for myself. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2009, 07:34 AM
 
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I don't want to scare you, as I know how hurtful and frustrating such a situation can be, but if you continue to talk to someone that has told you to stop, especially if you are saying insulting things, that can be construed as harassment and could, in theory, be grounds for a restraining order. It's unlikely that would happen, and that it would be granted even if it did, but who needs that kind of unnecessary stress.

The best thing I can recommend is to do everything you can to put this guy out of your mind. I'm not sure what kinds of contact you may have with him, so the following is "as applicable".
  • Delete/shred any photos you have of him.
  • If you have his phone number, erase it from your phone (and anywhere you may have it written down).
  • If you have his email address, delete it from your address book and delete any emails you have sent to or received from him.
  • If you have him on instant messenger or social networking lists, delete him.
  • For awhile, avoid places you might run into him, if possible, and definitely do not use alcohol if you happen to be somewhere he is.
  • Every time he pops into your head, think "stop" and immediately busy yourself with something else.

It may also help to write a letter of everything you'd like to say to him and not send it - just to sort out all your thoughts for once and for all.

In time, he will fade from your mind and you can move on to things (and people) more deserving of your attention.

Hope this helps!
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2009, 07:23 AM Thread Starter
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I don't even know why I did this to myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2009, 11:46 AM
 
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Originally Posted by aloss4words View Post
I don't even know why I did this to myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.
You are human and have feelings. When they are not returned it can be the worst feeling, and can feel like going crazy. But don't let it - he's not worth making you feel so bad. The important thing is to move on and away from that situation and find better things for yourself, good things that you deserve. The more distance you put between yourself and that situation, the better you will feel...and the more you will be open to the good experiences and requited love you deserve!
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2009, 12:15 PM
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At first I was confused as to why he'd want you to stop talking to him completely, but then I reread it and now it makes more sense. You're kind of suffocating him with negative attention.

I rarely rarely advocate cutting people entirely from your life, cos I think as an SA'er we should take what we can get, but in this situation, you really need to stop seeing him until you can calm emotionally down a bit more. Then, maybe, you can slowly reintroduce him into your life as a friend. But not now, now you really need to be on your own to get over him.

"[Hillary Clinton] is a *****. And so am I. *****es get stuff done. That's why Catholic schools use nuns instead of priests. At the end of the year you hated those *****es, but you knew the capital of Vermont." - Tina Fey
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-03-2009, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by bezoomny View Post
I rarely rarely advocate cutting people entirely from your life, cos I think as an SA'er we should take what we can get, but in this situation, you really need to stop seeing him until you can calm emotionally down a bit more. Then, maybe, you can slowly reintroduce him into your life as a friend. But not now, now you really need to be on your own to get over him.
Gotta disagree there.

I had an actual female friend that I was pretty interested in, and I actually asked her out on a few pseudo-dates (we went out officially as "friends" cause I was too immature to make any move). Well, after the third time we went out, I just felt bored out of my mind and repulsed; she had no fashion sense, few interests and very few shared values. When she asked to start hanging out regularly, I either freaked out or couldn't get over my 'discontent'. Being the socially inept person that I was, I broke it off the only way I knew how: stopped returning messages, never initiated contacted or replied. I more or less got over her pretty quickly.

Well, one year later, feeling losery and desperate, I started talking to her again. Think I was trying to prove to myself that I could keep a friend. We hung out for another year and a half, and the whole time I had to supress my feelings of boredom and what grew into disgust. In the end, I exploded and told her everything I hated about her after discovering that she had been lying to me about something big for a year. I am still a bit torn, but deep down, I am glad that she's gone after I burned the bridge and defiled it.

So moral of the story, don't take what you can get just cause you have SA. Trust your instincts and don't get desperate. Becoming friends later may or may not be a good idea either, but it's worth a shot if you feel like it.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-06-2014, 05:00 PM
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I have a friend I'm the same way to and I don't know why...


I talk to this guy almost every day. He became my friend through my bf 4 years ago, but it wasn't until after I had my daughter that I began talking to and about him almost every day and saying mean and hurtful things to him occasionally. I don't do this to any of my other friends. I felt bad right after he stood up for himself and tried to change for him, but I did it over and over again and now he's lost complete trust in me. He was testing me to see if I really did want to change and become a better person, but today I messed up with him again. The last time I did in February, he blocked me on fb. I recently got on a different acct and started poking him. he poked back and after a while I sent him a friend request. he asked who is this. I told him I'm simply a random person who decided to try to create an acct with the name No One, but it wouldn't let me so I put it in German. He said I know it's you ann. At first I tried to say I was someone else but he figured me out saying that who I was pretending to be types the exact same way I do. Idk how he can figure who ppl are by the way they type, but anyway so long story short, I said I didn't know how to prove to him that I was changing and tried to explain why I said those mean things to him. I do feel sorry for what I did, I just don't know why I ever did it to him in the first place. Some of the things he said to me before he blocked my Nein Eine acct is he didn't know if I noticed but he was talking to me and sometimes when I'm talking to him, he's busy doing things. He's told me before he's busy. And While I appreciated him talking to me, I don't know why I made it seem like to him that it wasn't enough and then get mad and tell my bf that our friend is treating me badly by not talking to me. Idk it's weird even to me because I don't treat any of my other friends like that. I talk to them when they want to talk to me and I don't say mean things to them. I normally know how to have good conversations with friends. I don't know what's different about this guy. I know this guy would never just ignore any of his friends and I should be able to just leave him alone for a while like I do other friends. And he's right even though I mentioned it first, I shouldn't have to have my bf tell him to talk to me. I've seen one other girl act like that to guys who became her exs. She tried so hard to get them to talk to her and they wanted her to stop talking to them just like after this morning, this guy wants me to stop talking to him. What I've said to him, my bf talked to me about first and for some reason I couldn't refrain even though I wanted to and my bf told me not to talk to our friend about, from saying those things to him, but he still likes my bf better because he doesn't pull stunts with him online. I can talk to him fine in person most of the time and then my bf tries to 1 up him in some way in person. The last time our friend came to see us, my bf wanted to go with him in his car to get food at Kroger. I wanted to go too and it wouldn't have been a big deal to switch our daughter's car seat from my bf's car to our friends car. My bf just wanted me to stay home and they would've been right back. Instead of being okay with it, I as our friend told me this morning, acted like a lil child bc I couldn't go with them. I only wanted to ride in his car bc it's a really nice car and I have ridden in his 2 previous cars. The day after he hung out with us, I apologized for how I acted. I don't know just for some reason I was in a bad mood while he was hanging with us and I secretly tried to change my mood to a better one because I knew how I was acting was uncalled for. I generally like talking to him, hanging with him and being one of his friends. There seems to be something about him though. Like even when I'm not mean around him in person, I do something stupid in front of him. I've for some unknown reason laughed when he told me his sister was born in a toilet. I didn't think for a second that sometimes women in labor think they have to poop and end up giving birth in a toilet. It wasn't something to laugh about even though he tried to play it cool by saying yeah it sounds kinda funny huh? While I was pregnant, We were hanging at his place and I was using a dry wash cloth to dry off my hands and my bf made some kind of remark so I threw the cloth at him, but it landed on the carpet and our friend said party foul and started laughing as he picked it up even though I being in the middle of my 9th month of pregnancy was going to pick it up. A 3rd stupid thing I did in front of our friend was the last time he visited us, I was reading a package of hot dogs while it was open and the water dripped out. He said you need to close the bag and then turn it upside down so nothing falls out. I knew exactly what I had to do, just don't know why I didn't do it. Also when he hung out with us last, I was trying to show him some pics on my phone but my bf didn't want me to show those pics so he got mad about it and I said something argumentative and yeah this morning this guy said he didn't like that we had a fight over him. That was the same day I apologized the next day for. One other thing of how I was around him while I was pregnant is he visited us on Halloween 2012 and he asked me if it was bad that he was crying because he missed his triplet brother on the anniversary of his death. Instead of saying something sympathetic like it's okay for anyone to cry over someone they've lost like I intended to, I just in a really low tone said no. Immediately, I thought say something better than that but then my bf came out of the bathroom and then we just hung out with him until he had to leave. He's a really nice, sweet, intelligent, and highly responsible guy. Other people have caused him drama unfortunately and even though I told him he didn't deserve it, I said mean things to him over Facebook even with the chances he gave me after I said I wouldn't do it again. I never meant to hurt or lie to him. I just don't know what's wrong with me. One other thing I felt stupid about when we were hanging with him is when my bf, daughter and I were riding in the car he had before, was it was cool outside and my bf wanted the heat on but our friend needed a window open to keep from over heating. I didn't understand him at first when he asked if our daughter was cold I in that same low tone said no and my bf told him maybe I didn't hear him so he asked again if our daughter may be cold and I said oh yeah she might be because she didn't have a jacket on so he closed his window and turned the heat off. my bf complained about it being cold and he said I'm sorry, but I'm hot. There's a few other things but I think people understand and this comment is really long as is. Oh, once in my bf's car, my bf told our friend I memorized his full name. He has 7 names. At first he said what? how did u memorize my full name and my bf said go ahead say it. our friend then remembered he had told us it once. I said I decided to see if I could find it on skype and I did so I memorized it by reading it. he said very cool. Now I would have said it in a nice calm voice but between my bf and our friend I felt like I was being put in the spotlight so I kinda yelled it and he said people normally yell someone's full name when they're mad at that person. I should have said I'm sorry I just felt pressured by you 2, but my bf said it's not a big deal so I left it at that. Basically I don't know why I obsess over a guy who's just a friend and he was my bf's friend before he met me.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-06-2014, 05:09 PM
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I talk to this guy almost every day. He became my friend through my bf 4 years ago, but it wasn't until after I had my daughter that I began talking to and about him almost every day and saying mean and hurtful things to him occasionally. I don't do this to any of my other friends. I felt bad right after he stood up for himself and tried to change for him, but I did it over and over again and now he's lost complete trust in me. He was testing me to see if I really did want to change and become a better person, but today I messed up with him again. The last time I did in February, he blocked me on fb. I recently got on a different acct and started poking him. he poked back and after a while I sent him a friend request. he asked who is this. I told him I'm simply a random person who decided to try to create an acct with the name No One, but it wouldn't let me so I put it in German. He said I know it's you ann. At first I tried to say I was someone else but he figured me out saying that who I was pretending to be types the exact same way I do. Idk how he can figure who ppl are by the way they type, but anyway so long story short, I said I didn't know how to prove to him that I was changing and tried to explain why I said those mean things to him. I do feel sorry for what I did, I just don't know why I ever did it to him in the first place. Some of the things he said to me before he blocked my Nein Eine acct is he didn't know if I noticed but he was talking to me and sometimes when I'm talking to him, he's busy doing things. He's told me before he's busy. And While I appreciated him talking to me, I don't know why I made it seem like to him that it wasn't enough and then get mad and tell my bf that our friend is treating me badly by not talking to me. Idk it's weird even to me because I don't treat any of my other friends like that. I talk to them when they want to talk to me and I don't say mean things to them. I normally know how to have good conversations with friends. I don't know what's different about this guy. I know this guy would never just ignore any of his friends and I should be able to just leave him alone for a while like I do other friends. And he's right even though I mentioned it first, I shouldn't have to have my bf tell him to talk to me. I've seen one other girl act like that to guys who became her exs. She tried so hard to get them to talk to her and they wanted her to stop talking to them just like after this morning, this guy wants me to stop talking to him. What I've said to him, my bf talked to me about first and for some reason I couldn't refrain even though I wanted to and my bf told me not to talk to our friend about, from saying those things to him, but he still likes my bf better because he doesn't pull stunts with him online. I can talk to him fine in person most of the time and then my bf tries to 1 up him in some way in person. The last time our friend came to see us, my bf wanted to go with him in his car to get food at Kroger. I wanted to go too and it wouldn't have been a big deal to switch our daughter's car seat from my bf's car to our friends car. My bf just wanted me to stay home and they would've been right back. Instead of being okay with it, I as our friend told me this morning, acted like a lil child bc I couldn't go with them. I only wanted to ride in his car bc it's a really nice car and I have ridden in his 2 previous cars. The day after he hung out with us, I apologized for how I acted. I don't know just for some reason I was in a bad mood while he was hanging with us and I secretly tried to change my mood to a better one because I knew how I was acting was uncalled for. I generally like talking to him, hanging with him and being one of his friends. There seems to be something about him though. Like even when I'm not mean around him in person, I do something stupid in front of him. I've for some unknown reason laughed when he told me his sister was born in a toilet. I didn't think for a second that sometimes women in labor think they have to poop and end up giving birth in a toilet. It wasn't something to laugh about even though he tried to play it cool by saying yeah it sounds kinda funny huh? While I was pregnant, We were hanging at his place and I was using a dry wash cloth to dry off my hands and my bf made some kind of remark so I threw the cloth at him, but it landed on the carpet and our friend said party foul and started laughing as he picked it up even though I being in the middle of my 9th month of pregnancy was going to pick it up. A 3rd stupid thing I did in front of our friend was the last time he visited us, I was reading a package of hot dogs while it was open and the water dripped out. He said you need to close the bag and then turn it upside down so nothing falls out. I knew exactly what I had to do, just don't know why I didn't do it. Also when he hung out with us last, I was trying to show him some pics on my phone but my bf didn't want me to show those pics so he got mad about it and I said something argumentative and yeah this morning this guy said he didn't like that we had a fight over him. That was the same day I apologized the next day for. One other thing of how I was around him while I was pregnant is he visited us on Halloween 2012 and he asked me if it was bad that he was crying because he missed his triplet brother on the anniversary of his death. Instead of saying something sympathetic like it's okay for anyone to cry over someone they've lost like I intended to, I just in a really low tone said no. Immediately, I thought say something better than that but then my bf came out of the bathroom and then we just hung out with him until he had to leave. He's a really nice, sweet, intelligent, and highly responsible guy. Other people have caused him drama unfortunately and even though I told him he didn't deserve it, I said mean things to him over Facebook even with the chances he gave me after I said I wouldn't do it again. I never meant to hurt or lie to him. I just don't know what's wrong with me. One other thing I felt stupid about when we were hanging with him is when my bf, daughter and I were riding in the car he had before, was it was cool outside and my bf wanted the heat on but our friend needed a window open to keep from over heating. I didn't understand him at first when he asked if our daughter was cold I in that same low tone said no and my bf told him maybe I didn't hear him so he asked again if our daughter may be cold and I said oh yeah she might be because she didn't have a jacket on so he closed his window and turned the heat off. my bf complained about it being cold and he said I'm sorry, but I'm hot. There's a few other things but I think people understand and this comment is really long as is. Oh, once in my bf's car, my bf told our friend I memorized his full name. He has 7 names. At first he said what? how did u memorize my full name and my bf said go ahead say it. our friend then remembered he had told us it once. I said I decided to see if I could find it on skype and I did so I memorized it by reading it. he said very cool. Now I would have said it in a nice calm voice but between my bf and our friend I felt like I was being put in the spotlight so I kinda yelled it and he said people normally yell someone's full name when they're mad at that person. I should have said I'm sorry I just felt pressured by you 2, but my bf said it's not a big deal so I left it at that. Basically I don't know why I obsess over a guy who's just a friend and he was my bf's friend before he met me.
This needs to be in paragraphs. It hard to read it like this. Anyway, your having a hard crush on this guy. If you continue like your doing, he's going to think your crazy.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-06-2014, 10:52 PM
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You're probably right about me having a hard crush on him. I love my boyfriend, odd never leave him, guess I just became attracted to his friends attitude bc my boyfriend can be over the top at times and this guys almost always chill unless provoked. I'll try my hardest to stop talking to and about him so much. It annoys my bf and I realize it's unnecessary.
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