I get so frustrated when this happens.
I try so hard to be social, make friends, get more confidence and then 'blam' someone stops talking to me, with no warning and my confidence just drops and I don't want to be social any more.
Two separate friends have just stopped talking to me. I've never been moping or anxiety ridden around them. I can be confident when I want to and always was with these two - so I know it wasn't because I was too depressing to be around, something I know other people have felt about me.
The first one was at the start of December. I live in China btw - it's not easy to make good friends here. I was friends with this other western girl. She and her boyfriend and my bf and I would hang out together, like every few weeks. We got on really well and would just spend the whole time laughing. One day we were emailing back and forth and arranging to meet up (her suggestion). I emailed her having a mini humorous rant about my work (about 2 sentences), nothing serious and I know she experiences similar things because we do the same job. She didn't reply. I didn't think anything of it. I emailed later in the week to organise hanging out on Saturday, but she never responded. My bf tried talking to her on msn on the to see if they wanted to grab drinks on Saturday night, but she'd ignored him then eventually went off line. That's not unusual for her, so I gave her a quick call on her mobile and she cancelled the call. We didn't want to seem like we were hassling them, so we left it that and went to a bar to meet some other friends.
We've not heard from them since. My boyfriend doesn't care and says they obviously found new friends or are just idiots, but this kind of stuff scars me. I felt a bond between them and have known them for over a year, so I'm a bit shocked. I keep thinking about my email I sent, 'was it too ranty? maybe she didn't find it funny? maybe she thinks I'm moaning and didn't get the humour?'
My bf never has people stop talking to him, I do, all the time, so I'm sensing it was something I did.
The other friend is a Chinese girl. I find Chinese friendships hard to maintain. Largely due to the concept of face - let them 'lose face' slightly and blammo - they're gone. I have gone through many Chinese friends during my time here. This one, I'm not really sure. I invited her over on Xmas day as we were cooking food for a few people and she obviously didn't want to come, so she didn't reply. It's a Chinese thing - don't want to do something, just don't reply lest you or the other person loses face. Next time you see the person, act like normal, maybe tell them you we will and didn't read their message until it was too late, and all will be fine. So that's what I was expecting.
The next week I texted her to see if she wanted to hang out (we do language exchange) and I got a curt reply, 'I'm busy all day and going to Shanghai tomorrow for the weekend.'
I texted her this week, giving her another chance to see if she wanted to hang out, but she didn't reply. I can't text her again. I know the signs. It's over. I've somehow offended her deeply, but she won't tell me or let it slide because the offence caused was likely the result of cultural differences. My invite to dinner was sent the evening before, very short notice, but we organised it last minute.
Sorry, long rant. The result is I currently feel very very low. I work part time as a freelance writer and was given a load of scary assignments this weekend, when I'd planned on staying in doors. Right now, I feel so low I don't feel like I have the courage and optimism to pull them off (interviewing various people, in Chinese, and writing them up for a Monday deadline). I want to crawl into a hole
My boyfriend hasn't noticed because he's working till 9pm and just doesn't want to talk about this kind of stuff when he gets in.
This has happened so many times to me with anywhere ranging from people who I don't know at all who were okay with me on the first time meeting to people I thought were good friends.
It is very frustrating & When you already have low confidence it can really get to you. So i'm in a similar dilemma to yourself. It makes me wonder if something about me I don't realise is terribly annoying which in the long run puts people off.
In 'Small' examples I can talk about for example the girl who came into my shop once and was being very friendly/talkative & Even showed me a joke on her phone. I thought great - Someone who might like me. Well that didn't last very long - She came in a second time & comes in even now sometimes and she never smiles, acts extremely cold, if I try talking to her she will look at me like i'm some weird alien from planet mars. It's like but why were you fine with me the first time!
- And that certainly isn't the first time this has happened
In bigger examples which actually really confuse me are some people who I know properly and saw them on a daily basis.
Well for example there was this one girl at my last school who always used to be super friendly to me. She asked for my number once and always made an effort to talk to me. Well she was popular and had tons of friends so I really don't know why she wanted to bother to get to know me a dignified loner who barely spoke at all?
Anyway she added me on Facebook after I left school. I accepted and she wrote a really long message on my Wall to which I responded. But she didn't respond perhaps procrastinating & the conversations at that point never developed.
Anyway months passed and I had become reclusive after leaving school. I was very depressed and living in a world of delusions
So I then proceeded to doing something I really regret. I sent a mass Facebook Message to the Friends on my list who were from the school I had left around 7 months prior and told them a fake message saying that I had infact died due to alcoholism. It was partially a sick joke & on the otherhand a pathetic cry for attention to see how my old classmates would react.
Well it turns out some of them did care. I happened to come across a Private Message of them discussing the details of my 'Death' & Well it turns out they wanted to arrange a get together for me and a remembrance. On the suggestion of this girl who I was talking about before. Which was touching for me considering they didn't know me at all.
A few of them wrote statuses as well. Around 7 or 8 did - And well some of them were in detail and touched me quite a bit like the girl I was talking about before said 'I'll always remember you and never forget you' - And another Lad who is now in the Army said Something like 'I'll always love you man' - The others were pretty much just my name along with 'RIP'
And then of course others unsurprisingly didn't give a toss at all. But I couldn't expect them to because as I said other than a bit of small talk and seeing me around they didn't know me at all.
Anyway Months Passed. I added them all again on a New Facebook Account. And none of them really questioned me about it - It was a bit strange I thought considering what they thought before.
But anyway this one girl I was telling you about before. Well I messaged her - And she asked me about the Death thing. And anyway I stupidly but truthfully told her it was a mere 'Joke' - She got very Angry and swore at me and said 'How is it Funny we thought you were dead?' & Ending the conversation by calling me 'Sick in the Head' - To which made me feel a little bad.
Anyway a few months passed again & I messaged her. She said she was going to delete me before I told her 'Here me out' than she stopped.
I told her about how I felt depressed, how it was a weird relief for me. How I liked her a lot because she was always so nice to me. She then listened and she became a sort of virtual shoulder to 'Cry On'.
I told her about my life problems and she even ended up talking about hers. And we talked for a solid 3 hours or even more. I thought she forgave me and she even said 'If you ever feel like talking i'm always here' - So I thought 'Great I've finally made a great friend' -
So another Week Passes. I message her - And she is being short with replies. I think Okay? She might be busy. Another few weeks pass and I message her and she blanks my messages and has been blanking or ignoring them ever since
I guess i'll never know why. I wonder if it has anything to do with me faking my own death
- I shouldn't have done that I know - But I wish I hadn't. And I wish I wasn't such a freak at school. I would have had a solid social life by now.
I try moving on from school but I just can't & Keep trying to go back to re-kindle a connection with them. But their opinion on me is not ever going to change now. They think i'm a weird guy and that's it.
I doubt anyone has read my little story here, but it's good to write it down somewhere then keeping it bottled up. I have had other experiences where people have gone all of a sudden 'Stone Cold' with me for no reason. It has made me overly analyze myself and be in despair so much that now I am really learning not to Give a Heck what people think about me anymore.
I focus on the people who do like me. And if someone doesn't then it doesn't matter to be honest - I'll think maybe if they get to know me and don't Pre-Judge me but if they are still the same then I don't think anything of it.
It's hard to fight against my Oversensitive Nature but no one is saying it's Impossible. People are NOT going to change. Human Beings are Fickle, Human Beings are Biased.
And even though I am really friendly to most people & Try my best with the world. I can safely accept right now that the world isn't always going to show me that kindness and warmth back. All's I can do is accept how other people are and most importantly be optimistic