I used to be behind, back when a normal life was a possibility and goal. Now I'm just off wandering in some field with nobody in sight and no idea what direction I'm headed.

"Behind" always depends on who you're following.

This reminds me of something I talked to my therapist about once. I've always had the goal of getting back to a "normal" life, especially considering I've had one successfully in the past. I described it as like being lost in the desert. I know where I'm trying to go (out of the desert), but I have no map and no compass and maybe I can kinda sorta read the stars but not really. Some days it feels like the best I can do is just pick a direction and start walking, and hope that I make it out eventually.
Your comment about wandering around in a field reminded me of my analogy of being lost in the desert

I feel like I didn't properly grow as a teenager. Didn't go out much, wasn't that social to the point of having a dozen friends, didn't date or anything of the sort. Now that I'm 20 I'm feeling regret over not having done none of that.

My post turned into a rant but it's not directed at anyone. I'm just thinking.



This is a topic I generally do my best not to think about much because like you said there's no check list but I can think of many ways to make me feel bad about myself and all of them are from a broad generalized view of what's considered normal. I'm not "normal" but I'm cool with it. Most people I know my age have kids, but I realized I actually don't want to kids...I thought I did at one point because that's what were sort of expected to do at some point...but why? The world is so populated and I'm sure there will always be people making kids cause they want them. Having kids just isn't for me, it doesn't fit my desired lifestyle...I'm content with a dog or two among the few people in my life I'm close to, I hope to be including more.


We don't really "have" to do anything we don't want to do and we're free to choose to live a life that's right for us. I mean yeah sometimes I have to make choices to do things I may not want to do but I'm doing it because it helps get me somewhere I want to be going. A step along the way. At least where I live I feel like so many people are living their lives according to what they're told, usually without fully consciously realizing it, instead of looking at life with an open mind and making their own choices.