What does it mean to click with someone? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-03-2020, 03:42 PM Thread Starter
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What does it mean to click with someone?


This might come across as a bit "autistic", but I'm dead serious, I really don't get it. I don't understand how people click with each other. People often like to claim that "we like those who are similar to us". I suppose that would entail similar interests, philosophies, demographics. But then other people would say, "You don't necessarily need anything in common. You just have to show a genuine interest in the other person" and that would confuse the heck out of me. I would be talking with someone, and they don't ever talk about hobbies or interests (or if they do, they're completely different from mine). It would be nice if they talked about a movie they enjoyed, or a video game, a band that they regularly listen to, but some people literally self-describe as having zero hobbies. If their only hobby is "hanging out with friends", then I'll immediately conclude that I have nothing in common with them. Not that I'm disinterested in others who are not a carbon copy of me, but... the relatability factor just isn't there.

Once in a blue moon, I might be invited to a bar with a bunch of people, and they'll just go on this autopilot socializing mode, where they talk about personal stories, mutual friends, whatever. I rarely hear anyone talk about "hobbies" or "interests" during these contexts. (Same with parties, which have a very similar vibe to bars.) It's a bit overbearing for me, and my mind kinda shuts down because I don't know what to say, when to say it, how to say it. I literally don't have anything to contribute because I don't have these adventures like everyone else does. I don't go out a lot, I don't travel very much (though I'd certainly like to), and again, there's no sense of "relatability" between me and anyone else at the table.

Going back to the original topic, "click" is generally defined in the dictionary as "get on well". But then I could ask, what does it mean to "get on well"? There's definitely a "je ne sais quoi" element of "clicking" that cannot be explained in words, but is rather felt. And I find that to be discomforting, because it's so intangible, vague, subjective. You think there are these "rules" or "guidelines" that would dictate whether someone would click with another person, but then these rules are constantly broken. People can and do often get along with people of different ethnic backgrounds, genders, sexual orientations, religions, and so on.

I'm not sure if this is social anxiety or if it's just a lack of comprehension of how social interactions work. I think it's a bit of both. Anyway, it just frustrates me because I have so much difficulty with making friends, and I have no idea why.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-03-2020, 04:16 PM
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It's when the other person easily understands and accepts what you mean even if you can't express it well, and vice versa. Also you find the same things funny or unfunny.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-03-2020, 09:55 PM
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When you say something and the other person says, "hey, I was thinking the same thing". Or your emotional response to them aligns with their feelings of validation.. or, I guess simply put, you both react to the world in a similar fashion and thus are conjunctive to each other's views.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-03-2020, 11:07 PM
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Forming rapport with others when you're different can be arduous. It's easier to form rapport when your personalities congeal around shared adventures, shared conflict, clearly understanding each other's emotions, being at a similar point in life, having a similar understanding of the world, having a similar temperament, having similar neuroses maybe, among other things probably.



This is the painful point: it's easier for people who do easily form rapport within social groups to victim-blame people who have a great deal of difficulty forming rapport with others. So, they'll subject you to flippant, patronizing, and dismissive advice. Moreover, its easy to do this, since, without that rapport, they can exclude you on an instinctual and tribal level. They subconsciously do not view you as part of their tribe, so they do not provide you with a similar level of consideration and empathy, hence the victim-blaming.



It takes a surfeit of empathy, understanding, conversational skill, and compassion to form rapport with people who differ a great deal from oneself.


Anyway, I sympathize with your difficulty in clicking with others, since I've had difficulty in clicking with others my entire life.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-03-2020, 11:11 PM
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i could answer this question in my point of view but i feel that it should come from you. i already see different answers so the answer won't even be the same for everyone.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-03-2020, 11:21 PM
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you don't have to be exactly the same to get along.. i truly wish you the best
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-03-2020, 11:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cringy Snowflake View Post
Forming rapport with others when you're different can be arduous. It's easier to form rapport when your personalities congeal around shared adventures, shared conflict, clearly understanding each other's emotions, being at a similar point in life, having a similar understanding of the world, having a similar temperament, having similar neuroses maybe, among other things probably.



This is the painful point: it's easier for people who do easily form rapport within social groups to victim-blame people who have a great deal of difficulty forming rapport with others. So, they'll subject you to flippant, patronizing, and dismissive advice. Moreover, its easy to do this, since, without that rapport, they can exclude you on an instinctual and tribal level. They subconsciously do not view you as part of their tribe, so they do not provide you with a similar level of consideration and empathy, hence the victim-blaming.



It takes a surfeit of empathy, understanding, conversational skill, and compassion to form rapport with people who differ a great deal from oneself.


Anyway, I sympathize with your difficulty in clicking with others, since I've had difficulty in clicking with others my entire life.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-04-2020, 01:11 AM
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It always surprises me when people respond to my posts with kindness, rather than contempt and derision. Thank you.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-04-2020, 09:10 AM
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Mutual chemistry I guess, not really something that's possible with me.

Much easier to make people hate me lol.

You can't rank it by group though intragroup conflict is probably more common.

Some people heard my words and thought it meant they knew me
Truth is, I don't exist, I'm just a soundtrack to your movie
Some background figure in a story that's already scripted
And what I feel's just felt for you to hear me ****ing spit it
I jump in many different heads through these words and poems
Always hoping maybe the next leap'll be my leap home

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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-04-2020, 05:23 PM
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You just get along with them easily - similar sense of humour, similar outlook on things I guess in general, maybe similar temperaments - or at least temperaments that compliment each other.

I've met people like that when I was travelling - and even when I was in hospital. It can happen anywhere really.
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-04-2020, 06:34 PM
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I've clicked with people before who I hardly had anything in common with(co-workers and others)simply because they've made me feel comfortable around them and vice versa. No negative judgement, no competition and no trying to prove something to each other. We simply accept each other for who we are.
When you try to force it or overthink it then you guys haven't clicked and probably never will.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-04-2020, 08:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cringy Snowflake View Post
It always surprises me when people respond to my posts with kindness, rather than contempt and derision. Thank you.
you're welcome and thank you for the compliment
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-04-2020, 11:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
You can't rank it by group though intragroup conflict is probably more common.


Intragroup conflict is more common because of proximity. Moreover, when there is conflict within the group, there will probably be more expressions of contrition among people with rapport than toward those whom the group has little if any rapport, hence scapegoating. Project the group's disowned negative attributions onto the group's scapegoat -- with whom they have little if any rapport -- then punish that person until that person is driven out or is psychologically destroyed, and then victim-blame the scapegoat further.
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