Originally Posted by melancholyscorpio
Thanks for taking the time to read my post and respond.
I'm an adult and I can move out to avoid witnessing my dad being so supportive towards my cousin. Ignorance is bliss.
I only have myself to blame. I can control my life.
He can be supportive of her but it is heartbreaking seeing the disparity in his connection with her than with me. I'm basically a tenant and she is the beloved daughter that comes home to visit. An outsider would believe this to be the case if they saw the situation.
Such is life. I don't even respect him. I wish I can switch off my feelings.
**HUGS** I have the same trigger about not being loved and believing that I will never be in an intimate relationship.
Why do you think that is the case for you?
Hi, sorry I couldn't reply to you before. This week I've been quite busy. How have you been?
I am glad to know you can move away from your father to avoid witnessing him being like that towards your cousin.
I don't know what could be going on in his mind and sadly, I don't think there's any way to change his behavior. So yeah, I think moving away from him is the best option for you. I did the same with my father. I moved away from my home country a year ago and not a single day have we talked through video chatting and our conversation are mostly about money. But yeah, I think that's just the way he is and gotta move on from that.
Well, about that trigger it's because I'm very insecure about myself in terms of love. I mean, nobody has ever shown any interest on being intimate with me before so I grew to believe I'm unlovable. Being a straight woman and having guys treating me badly in the past, some of them even being violent towards me, or playing with my feelings (as to flirt with me because of some stupid challenge or just because they were tired of their girlfriends/boyfriends) AND having my father basically use me as my mother's replacement after she died (for about 8 years) just made me feel I am no way lovable. It just feels as if everyone else is playing the game of love and I'm in the middle, just watching at my friends hang out with each other in that sort of game I can't take part of.
I prefer not to think too much about it because I tend to get depressed whenever I think of the possibility of love, because I know that is something that will never happen to me. For some reason or another, I seem to be out of luck, boring or defective in a way that nobody seems interested on me in an intimate level. Whenever I see someone whose physique I like, my mind instantly pops up the thought that there's no way someone like him would ever like someone like me, that of course a person like him may already have a loved one by his side.
I know I shouldn't judge the present with all the past events, but it is difficult to be optimistic when all I've ever known are lies, codependency and violence. So yeah, I tend to fall for any guy who's remotely nice to me, who doesn't belittle me or scream to me, even if he shows no romantic interested towards me, so if he goes with someone else I feel totally destroyed.
I can't love, I don't know how to, I just have such a wicked concept of it, so whenever I think of it, it frustrates me because I simply don't know what to do about it. So yeah, that makes my anxiety pretty bad because I start picturing myself in the future all alone, as an older woman, always regretting never experiencing love.
So yeah, I just avoid anything that has to do with romance: romance movies or TV dramas, romantic songs, I try not to look at couples on the streets or subway, I avoid conversations that have to do with it or even things shaped like hearts hahahaha I soooo hate them!! xD I hate this world revolves about this so much hahaha
I also make myself very busy with lots of personal projects, studies and work just to not have time to think about it, I repeat to myself that I shouldn't worry about it and rather be grateful for the other wonderful things I already have, that I can't have everything I want in life. Of course that makes it that, when I have some free time, the issue pops up again and makes my head go crazy.