Toddler advice needed. - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
Bon
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Toddler advice needed.


My daughter will be four next month. She's a loving child. Having said this, she's also an extremely head strong toddler. I'll ask her to pick up her toys, an hour later, I'm still asking her to pick up her toys, two hours later, I'm standing over her, trying to make her pick up her toys, she still won't budge, I no longer know what to do.

In the past, I've told her, if she didn't pick up her toys (toys are only an example, she's head strong on many, many things) I would bag them up and throw them away. An hour later, I was putting her toys in a black bag..........I took them to my van........A couple days later, "Please pick up your toys" she told me to "Bag them up and throw them out" That wasn't my desired effect.

Her saving grace, she had a tantrum at the store, I was livid, when I tried to pick her up, she started dragging her feet, kicking, you name it, I resorted to a slap on the butt, she still hemmed and hawed, but she did move. However, that night, as we were cuddling getting ready for sleep, she said "Mommy, me sorry about the store today" that made me feel bad...............Anyway..... We won't talk about the fun I have trying to get her to buckle herself up....She will tune me out if she doesn't want to do something, if she doesn't want to hear. I'm afraid of what her teenage years will be like if I don't get a grip on her now. Anyone have any toddler advice?

Mental illness is what some have, not who they are.
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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 04:30 PM
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You can spank that ***, my parents spanked mine and look how good I turned out.
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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 04:43 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thunder
You can spank that ***, my parents spanked mine and look how good I turned out.
Yep, you have SA, so do many others, but that doesn't change the fact that you appear to have a good heart. I'm not just sucking up either;-))) I've been paying attention to exactly what you guys deal with, and how much effort it would take to keep things together when you have issues of your own.

I'm not above spanking, yet I try very hard to stay away from this aspect, I remind myself of my mother when I do, besides, it has little effect;-)))))

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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 04:49 PM
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It's partly the age. Give her a good idea of boundaries and enforce them consistently, and hopefully she'll "grow out of it" as she gets older. My son turned four last month. He has his good days, his okay days, and his bad days. He's a smart kid who makes connections about things real fast, but he can also be stubborn and has a fiery temper. We don't use spanking, but there are consequences that we try to employ consistently. Usually he gets the message. We use rewards a lot too (well, occassionally bribes), but try our best no to spoil him.
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 04:58 PM
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Hehe my sister used to be a pain in the ***, so my parents had a lot of trouble handling her too.

Best advise I can give is to be consistent.

If you tell her to do her pick up her toys within a give time limit, then also verify that she did it and reward her for her efforts with kind words. If you just tell her and walk away she'll just think "why would I, nothing's gonna happen if I don't do it now. She'll just tell me to do the same thing again in an hour."
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 08:03 PM
 
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When Samantha was a toddler she tried to have a tantrum in the store. I gathered her up and left. She never did it again. As far as picking up the toys. If she didn't pick up her toys she was put on her bed for the amount of time you feel necessary. She hated it with a passion. From that point forward all I did was count. Never had a problem again. She is turning 12 this Saturday and counting worked up until last year.

Don't overlook reasoning either. They understand more then you think and a good heart to heart talk can work wonders. Too many times people feel you can't talk to a young kid. Not true. We actually took Sam out of a restaurant at the age of two and told her if she didn't behave we were going home. We went back in and if she had acted up again we would have gone home.

This is my niece and I have had a large part in raising her and when my brother handed her to me he said it was alright if I wanted to spank her. I never could. I would look at that face and just never could. Thing is neither could he. The only one that ever did was her mom and that was only once. That face had a look to it that you could never be mad at. She always had some reasoning behind what you did there was no way to be angry. Once when she was two she wrote on the wall. When asked why she did that she said. She wanted to draw a picture for her grandpa and paper is too small. I think she used it to her advantage too often. You wouldn't believe what that kid would come back with when she was out shopping with someone. She still does and she is 12.

Sorry I went way off topic. Can you tell I love to talk about her?
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 08:06 PM
 
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One more question, What did you do when she told you to bag up the toys and toss them?
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 08:27 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cairn
One more question, What did you do when she told you to bag up the toys and toss them?
LOL, LOL....Uhm........I bagged them up, took them too my van, I live in a toy store, I thought, OK, at least, I'll have some room to walk LOL, I know that wasn't the correct thing.

I went to the bathroom, came back, more dolls were out, this time, she picked them up, she didn't want too this is an understatement, but she did, people are right, consistency is the key, at times, I get so tired of pleading, I give in, this is where I am at fault. Hannah can only be reasoned with, if, it benefits her right then and there;-) I'm afraid she was over-indulged, me, trying to make up for her "Father" not being around. I'm probably my child's problem.
I'm not above spanking, I'm not, it just makes me feel guilty later, and makes me feel like my mother;-D. If I count, I'll pause "Mom, you left out four"............................. I got a bear hug tonight;-))) for my complaints, I wouldn't trade her for the world;-) It's just nice to know, that this is probably a stage, is "Normal" and I'm not failing her drastically.

I have guardianship of my sister, I've had her, thinking back, well, she's 34 now, she moved in with me when she was 17....She's legally blind, slightly mentally challenge, makes for a long day at times. I Love her to death, I wouldn't have it any other way, yet, there are days I wonder "Why me";-) You're lucky you got Samantha young she probably views you as her parent.

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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 08:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Becky
Be consistent and don't be afraid to smack her butt.

Being consistent is the best advice. I cringe when my mother grounds a foster child but lifts the grounding by bribing her into doing something temporary, like being good for a day. That wears thin fast, and she's back to her old ways. Set down the rules. If she acts up, she gets punished. It doesn't have to be physical. It can be grounding, or removing something that she usually gets, maybe toys or desert.


Communication is also important. Telling a child "no" without elaboration means nothing, and they are more inclined to resent you for what seems to them arbitrary rules.

"To hell with reality! I want to die in music, not in reason or in prose. People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them. To hell with them."
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-12-2006, 09:02 PM
 
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Let's see ..... you're the grown up so stop letting this child bully you around. It's not a battle of the wills here. Make simple rules and enforce them.

Trouble picking up toys? When my kids wouldn't pick up their toys I realized that they were trashing everything because they had a ton of toys but nothing to play with. I boxed everything except some books, legos, and dolls. Less toys = less to trash = less to pick up. I'd rotate toys up to the attic bringing down an old favorite every so often. As my father said, "When you have everything you value nothing."

Wouldn't take a bath? Sorry but if you don't take a bath then we can't continue with the night time routine which included a snack of their choice before bed. You'll have to sit on the couch or your bed while everyone else enjoys a bath, story, snack, and bed.

If they behaved well in the grocery store our last stop would be the candy area where each child could pick out a treat which would be used for their nighttime snack for the week. If they didn't then the offending child did not get to pick out anything and ended up snacking on graham crackers. After watching a sibling get their favorite thing all week when you don't you'd better believe that child was well behaved after that.

This doesn't mean that my children always behaved well but I was clear in what I expected and they usually stepped up to the plate and delivered.
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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 12:04 AM
 
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Oh Realspark I can totally relate to overindulging because she doesn't have her father. I have done the same thing because of her lack of either parent being around.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 12:54 AM
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Children love rules! When my sister tells my nieces to pick up there toys they will do it, but if I tell them to pick up there toys they seem to walk all over me or hmmm or haw about it. You should see how much respect my nieces have for my sister because there are set rules, she is firm yet very consistent and that never changes. They act like complete angels around her.

You had me at hello.
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 06:14 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cairn
Oh Dealspark I can totally relate to overindulging because she doesn't have her father. I have done the same thing because of her lack of either parent being around.
Your statement just proved you are her parent;-))))

I never understood those that can't beat an addiction for the sake of a child, preferring the drug to their child's well being, and walking, my daughter was a true gift, there is nothing I would place above her. Having said this, I think this could be one of those occasions where, I think it's your brother? Knew he couldn't care for Samantha, and did the right thing, what about the bio mother, is she in Samantha's life?

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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 11:48 AM
 
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I think sometimes the kids just test you to see what they can get away with. I have a friend I went to visit last weekend who has the most stubborn three year old I ever met. Everything anyone tells her to do she will refuse and get angry. They make her sit on her bed and she will usually stay on the bed but scream like she is being beaten for the whole time. Sometimes she gets up, then they have to return her to her bed. The hard part is when she is screaming or when she gets up everyone has to ignore her except the parent that gets her and puts her back because attention is a reward and will encourage her to keep up the behavior. Being ignored is the punishment.

I have another friend who has a three year old boy that I watch sometimes but he is mostly a little angel. Sometimes though I will ask him to do something like pick up a toy and he will say "I can't" and just not do it. I leave the toy in the floor and later when he wants to do something I tell him that I'm too mad because he wouldn't pick up the toy. I don't think this would work for a parent, it works for me because I don't see him everyday so me saying I'm too mad to spend time with him hurts his feelings.
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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I thank the people that understand, I am not perfect, neither is my child, at times, I do think it's a battle of will. Children react differently to given stimuli. Consistancy being the exception.

Ahh, ShesKrayZ, yes, I have a child that does simular things at times, that high pitched whine if she's disciplined, one would think I was killing her.

Ahh, Orpheus, you're just upset that you never got bribed;-)

I DO, DO believe the answer is consistancy, I can see a difference today, hey, I had to pull her out a bedroom, make her pick things up, but she did, when I stayed right on her, it's going to take relearning on both our parts, I shouldn't have let it get to this point.

I hope I'm not implying that Hannah is a little terror, most of the time she is a very loving child.

Spanking..I haven't been true to myself in this post. I'm apprehensive of the looks of strangers, I'm not a fan of Dr. Spock. I WILL give her a swat on her butt, if she continues or refuses to do something, I will not always explain my actions, of say why I want her to pick up her toys.

Being in public, makes it hard, I am hard over on manners, "Please, don't" "Please pick up" "May I" this is how I start out, but 10 minutes of being nice, at this point, "If you don't knock it off, your *** is going to be sore, if she continues, I will spank her. I'm not talking abuse. Time outs don't work for us.

Parents, have a hard enough time these days, if a child acts up in public, you get looks "Can't you control your child" when you try, you get "you shouldn't".... When I do this, it's me, at the end of the day, when we're cuddling, and she tells me how much she loves me, that, feels guilty for the spanking


I still thank God everyday for her;-) Now, we're off to play in the yard.

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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 12:54 PM
 
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Have you ever seen that show "Supernanny" on ABC? It amazes me what that woman can get kids to do without raising her voice or her hands. It all does come down to having structure, routine, and discipline.

On the other hand, I don't have kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 02:58 PM
 
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I personally don't believe in spanking. I gives children a negative sense of what punishment is. Try positive reinforcement when she does something good, "You are wonderful! What a good job you've done! I'm so proud of you". Then she will be more likely to continue. Just picking up one toy would be a good start. Spanking says, I don't approve of what you've done and I'm going to hit you to prove it to you. Rather than that, put her in time out and at the end talking about the fact that "you still love her but you do not love her behavior." I guess I just believe in a loving and supportive upbringing. My parents never spanked us, and with the exception of mental illness, we've turned out to be good kids.

Of course, this is all from a 20 year old who knows nothing about parenting, so feel free to forget it all together
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allalone9863
I personally don't believe in spanking. I gives children a negative sense of what punishment is. Try positive reinforcement when she does something good, "You are wonderful! What a good job you've done! I'm so proud of you". Then she will be more likely to continue. Just picking up one toy would be a good start. Spanking says, I don't approve of what you've done and I'm going to hit you to prove it to you. Rather than that, put her in time out and at the end talking about the fact that "you still love her but you do not love her behavior." I guess I just believe in a loving and supportive upbringing. My parents never spanked us, and with the exception of mental illness, we've turned out to be good kids.
Quote:
[quotede09]

My daughter gets all the positive reinforcement she could ever desire, she knows how proud we are of her, how much she is loved and wanted;-))) If she ever fell from her pedestal, she would break every bone in her body.;-)))

A negative sense of what punishment is? Huh?

If I chose to spank, it does not mean, my daughter won't have a supportive enviroment.


[quotede09]Of course, this is all from a 20 year old who knows nothing about parenting, so feel free to forget it all together
[/quotede09][/quotede09]


Cute;-) I appreciate the add on;-) I never believed in spanking, I thought I would have this, open dialogue with my child, IF she were to do something wrong, she would have a time out, and take it because, she was an angelic child;-)) then...........Like, so many things in life, I threw theory out the window;-)))) "Hey, Sweetie, when you're done playing in the street, mommy wants to talk to you, what you're doing is wrong, because I love you, I'm going to give you a time out"

Consistancy;-)))

Please excuse the bold, I can't seem to correct my "Quote" error.

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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 03:25 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by realspark
Are you aware, that your implication was, that because I might chose to spank my daughter wouldn't have a supportive upbringing?
Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that! I definitely believe in punishment. I just think there's such a thing as "positive" punishment and "negative" punishment. With spanking being negative. I can imagine how difficult it must be to raise a toddler, good luck!

Ok- let me try to clarify again! This is all from my very screwed up mind. I think that spanking qualifies as negative punishment because it teaches a child that hitting when someone does something wrong is ok. But I will admit, thinking of positive punishment is difficult. I'm sure talking it over with your child after a time out just isn't good enough sometimes.
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-13-2006, 03:26 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allalone9863
Quote:
Originally Posted by realspark
Are you aware, that your implication was, that because I might chose to spank my daughter wouldn't have a supportive upbringing?
Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that! I definitely believe in punishment. I just think there's such a thing as "positive" punishment and "negative" punishment. With spanking being negative. I can imagine how difficult it must be to raise a toddler, good luck!
I know that;-) that's why I went back to edit, I thought I was being to defensive;-) I understand where you're coming from;-) Thank you;-)

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