Thinking of binning my graduation photos
I couldn't sleep last night and a lot of negative thoughts were going through my head. One of them was my university graduation, even though it was years ago.
The graduation was terrible. I didn't really have any friends at university, but there was one guy I spoke to and I hung around with him at the ceremony. He was miserable (a depressed person in general) and the ceremony was terrible - we didn't even get to throw our caps in the air. Whilst stood outside I made eye contact with a professor. I expected him to walk over and say congratulations (I got some of the best marks on the course) but he pretended not to see and walked away. I guess he thought I was too boring and awkward to talk to. After that I queued for over an hour for a graduation photograph. I was ready to have my picture taken and she told me to smile. I did, but she told me again, and again, and again... I think I struggle to smile in general because of depression, but I thought I was smiling and it upset me. She was a *****. Once we got home I put the pictures in my wardrobe and haven't looked at them in five years, but I think I am just going to throw them in the bin because they are associated with negative emotions.
I had such a **** time at university, from beginning to end. I get so angry when I look back at these experiences and I feel like I have been treated badly by people. Due to this, I have changed a lot over the past few years - I am very guarded and very quick to anger. I have an angry face.
In this time some poeple have treated me nicely and wanted to talk to me, but I have self-sabotaged the situations because I am so consumed by misery.
I want to erase all of these past experiences and start over. I want to pretend they never happened. Maybe binning the photos will be cathartic.