Just wondering, how many of you guys had a feminism fanatic mother who forbid you to be a man?
I think I just found a huge source of my toxic shame. I was never allowed to be a man! To be aggressive or angry or mad. To be disrespective. To be ignorant. To be dominant. To be loud. To say "bring me this or do that". To be ME! It was never allowed. All that was strictly forbidden. Just shut your mouth.
My Mom forbid me to be like my father. So I became a perfect (wo)man. My therapist told me last month "so you lived 37 years of your life with 50% of your personality". That was a huge realization. I have a dick between my legs. But I mostly was in "fear" to use it on women like men should do because it was not ok to be a man. Or to be me.
I mostly had girlfriends who forced me (daily) to sex. I know, every mans dream. But I was running away from sex lol. Because it was not turning me on when the women was the dominant person. It was not allowed for me to be dominant. So she had to take over that part. When she was dominant, I had hard times to become an errection. It simply turned me off because normally that should be my role.
I had this realization years ago but never knew the impact that it has on my life. Since I know the book from John Bradshaw about Toxic Shame, I was searching for a source of my TS. I think this is a huge part of it. I started reading the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I knew this pick up stuff for 10 years now. And it in some way ruined my life fully due to inner conflicts. But reading this stuff now, with the knowledge of Toxic shame, changes things.
A man should naturally feel like an Alpha male. Itīs his nature. You do not born as a beta boy. With all this feminism on TV, Parents, Teachers etc. men forgot their roles. My father was somehow an Alpha Male. At least at home. And my mom was begging me to never become like my dad. Even though she was furious about him and screamed and raged and told me how much she hate him, after each fight, she was loving to have sex with him (yeah, very ugly to hear them having sex when you are just 8 or so).
I just thought about the belief "It is ok to be me" and I felt a lot of relief. "It is ok to be a man", "It is ok to be angry, mad, aggressive, dominant". Feels all good. But there is still huge resistance in me when I say this stuff. I can not think about to shout to woman. Giving her commands. Not possible.
The first time I felt anger and allowed me to be mad and angry was last year, after my Ex Girlfriend cheated on me and left me for a bad boy. First I was blaming it on me. I should have treated her better, I should have loved her more blah...
Then I read the book "Voice Dialogue", wich is recommended from John Bradshaw in his book. In the "Voice Dialogue" book, the Authors say that every part of our personality is ok and should be accepted. Even "bad" parts we try to keep under water. 37 years later, for the first time in my life, I felt angry. Angry for what she did. Angry about me that I let her do this with me. And it was an energizing huge great motivating feeling. For the first time in my life I felt like a man. I felt energy, sexuality, libido. I even became Acne on my back. For the first time in my life I talked to people like a normal person should do. Not super duper nice, not shy, not needy. When I needed something, I said it. When there was something wrong with my food, I said "this is not ok give me a new one". It was just pure me. And it felt great. I was addicted to this feeling. To be normal. The first time in my life I felt free and without huge shame and shyness.
But 2 months ago it started fading away because the anger on my EX was fading more and more away. So I tried to think about what she did to me to get mad again. But no chance, I started feeling shy and ashamed again. I was so frustrated and mad at me. Because nothing changed in the last 9 months. I did so much incredible stuff. But now back to the old?
What I did not realized was that I let Mr. Nice Guy drive the bus again. I started to be nice again. Shy. Friendly. Respectful. I had times where I was able to switch to the "normal confident" role back again. But the Mr. Nice Guy or Inner Child was (and still is) stronger. When Shame takes over, I sometimes still have no chance.
I do a lot lot of EFT. But I think I can not reach the roots of most of the stuff. But hopefully it is possible to heal all this and be free in the near future. Because it is our right to be us! It is our right to like us! It is our right to give us priority before others. We donīt need to please people. We donīt need others approval. We need to love us as we are.