The Strange Feeling of Not Existing
I don't necessarily mean that in the metaphysical sense. I don't feel that I've lost my sense of "self," but it's a general temperament I've had the last few weeks as if I've been forgotten by family and friends, and that I've just stopped enjoying life at all. I haven't exactly felt like being around anyone. I feel the need to isolate myself until my life gets better, I get a job, and can start alleviating a lot of the worry I have right now. Partly I'm isolating myself because being around others right now makes me feel more shame, more anxiety, and more paralysis. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone or something. I'm stuck. I can't move forward. I can't enjoy life, and I'm just watching everybody move on without me. To all these places I'm applying to, I might as well not exist. Most of them I can't even get to the interveiw phase. When I'm not looking for a job, I've tried to watch YouTube, play video games, read, or write. None of it really helps though. I've kind of lost interest in everything. A lot of my worst fears about my life feel like they've already come true or coming to be true. I genuinely don't want to be alive anymore. All I'm doing with my life right now is a whole lot of waiting after the little initiative I can take. Wish I could do more than vent. I don't really know how to be happy with life right now. I don't know how to orient myself back to feeling some semblance of "okay." I'm just stuck.
Just wanted to vent this I guess, but I'm I quite sick of myself venting on here too 🙂