Originally Posted by shouldeyefallbehind
Someone once told me a story; This guy used to be a fitter and turner. One time he worked on a slaughter house. The strange thing about working in this environment is the blood. It is almost impossible to clean off. The animal blood literally seeps into person's skin and almost becomes a part of them. The smell is almost impossible to clean out.
Sometimes I think I am the same. As if all the things I have been through have somehow seeped into my very soul. And I just can't seem to cover it up or remove it. There is something about me that puts people off. People look at me and give me a strange look. And I can just sense it, the gears in their head begin turning. Somehow they just know, You don't belong here. And then comes the questions, the interrogations. The grilling. Go on prove that you are one of us. I can't give good enough answers so I just kind of shrug and move away.
I have accepted that I will always be a loner. Never fitting in. I have made a strange kind of peace with it. But sometimes it makes me sad. Why can't people just treat me like a human being? Why do I have to prove myself before I am given a shred of dignity?
Yeah I can relate that. I think a big part of what puts people off is your body language. At least that's how it is for me. I think one of the most important things is eye contact. I just know that when I look someone in the eye they can sense my insecurity so I just never look at people directly (except very briefly while initiating contact) which will give them a weird impression right from the beginning without even having started a conversation. For me looking at people just isn't something I do naturally because seeing them look at me makes me feel vulnerable. It feels like I'm getting uncomfortably close to them as well. That's why I often look at the floor in front of me where I feel somewhat "safe".
What can put people off even further is not showing emotions. They will become suspicious if you talk to them with a blank face and for example don't laugh at their jokes. I personally suppress my emotions in public for protection. If I show my emotions to people that don't really care about me which I've done only a few times, it feels like I'm devaluing myself for showing them this intimate part of me. Then it's like I have wasted all this energy opening myself up to them. It's not just that I hide my emotions, though. Often I just don't respond emotionally to things like most people do. For instance there's a lot of things people laugh about all the time that I just don't find funny. And when the time comes I actually find something funny I have to supress it because of the amount of attention it would draw, being known as the guy that never laughs.
Then there's how you respond to people verbally. If you're unable to have a normal conversational flow, people will usually interpret your signals as not wanting to talk and leave you alone. Sometimes people will keep bothering with questions which can definitely feel like an interrogation sometimes. If you only give brief answers and don't express any interest in the other person that will eventually scare them away, too. Maybe they will even think you're arrogant, which obviously couldn't be further from the truth but this has happened to me.