I've been an outsider for as long as I can remember. I gave up on trying to fit in at some point when I realized I'm wasting my energy trying to make contact with people that don't value my presence at all. If everyone else thinks I'm not good enough for them I might as well stop trying, and I haven't tried since. During the years in school people tried extra hard to ignore me while I was around which contributed to my lack of confidence. If people were talking to me it was only to make fun of me, telling me how weird, quiet, dumb I was, how I was the guy with no friends, how I was a virgin, how I was ugly, you name it. On those few occasions were people were trying to have a genuine conversation with me I would scare them away with my weirdness and they would never try to talk to me again. It's because those situations are overwhelming to me to this day and I never know what to say.
Admittedly, I don't think I'm a very interesting person. I don't have any special interests and nothing that I'm really passionate about or good at. Maybe people like me are predestined to be forever alone. I feel like at 28 it's too late for me to learn social skills. The thing is I hate being alone. I hate that everyone out there takes friends for granted, that everyone can meet people and make new friends and build relationships like it's nothing, that everybody is doing social things together and I'm not part of that. I've been living in complete social isolation (not corona related) only observing the outside world through the media because there's nothing left for me to do and I hate every day of it.