The only lack that I see in you is the lack of acceptance. God knows you are not stupid, in fact you are a lot smarter than you let on. The role you play in your company is not worthless, and the impact you have on other people is not insignificant. You have within you the power to enact change, to contribute to others in a deep and meaningful manner and immortalise yourself in peopleís memory, yet none of it is enough for you because you just canít see yourself fitting some imaginary mold.
...You canít trick people into thinking you are doing anything worthwhile when you yourself donít treat your job as worthwhile. ... You can develop these skills, advance them, damn near perfect them if you set your mind to it. But it requires focus, determination,...
What you say is true ... it's a problem of acceptance. When I wrote this, I was feeling down and discouraged, and it leaves me to deal with insecurities I face from time to time. Sheska, I know this hardened, logical response. I use it all the time myself. We are quite alike after all. It's even fine if you want to wield it on me in the end. I have some tolerance to most things and get vocal before things are truly dire. It's just a way I cope. It's messy and dark to see or watch, but it's all only partial. I want you to know I'm safe and I trust you are too. I know you can keep yourself up. You're among the strongest people I know. So I don't fear for you and hope you don't fear for me either even though I'm sure what I write becomes sickly from time to time. It's part of my range of expression I don't feel bad about. I don't have to be the thoughtful and composed person I do try to be because I know it doesn't threaten who I actually am to also need to develop and feel truly the vulnerability that implies. I just get it out from time to time. It's as human as anything. I appreciate your supportiveness.
But how much focus do you have on your work? How much focus can you have on your work when you are almost permanently attached to your phone (except when in lab). You canít even sign yourself out of SAS for Christís sake. Itís like talking to someone who is constantly glancing at an open door as their only means of escape.
Part of the reason I write this reply is because eventually I have enough things to "eventually" reply to you about and how bizarre these claims strike me is one of them. I poke my head in on SAS a few times a day at the same time I check the news as something to get my mind off work for a couple minutes. I don't feel bad about taking 5 every so often when my whole day spent at my desk crunching numbers. It's that or stand up and pace for a few minutes to let my brain heal. Is the "last activity" time where you're getting this idea I'm here so often? I'm genuinely not. I probably don't even see more than a couple threads on any normal day if I'm here at all. As for my phone, it stays in my backpack all day unless I put some tunes on with headphones or get a spam call. Most of the time at home it just sits on the kitchen table. I don't know where this idea comes from I'm so eager for escapes. If that's what you see, that's fine, there's at least some truth to most everything and I take your point seriously. I mean, could I go through life with some generalized anxiety always in the background without thoughts of escape accompanying it? Certainly not. If I'm being admonished for not taking a tougher stand against anxiety, your words are like an echo of myself. I'm not asking for mercy, just I hope you know I'm on board.
What motions have you put in place to improve your skills, what steps have you taken at or outside of work to remain on top of your game when it comes to electrical engineering? What have you done to improve your people skills so you could become a better team player? Donít tell me there arenít any options open to you to address those nagging concerns of yours? Those are all perfectly definable and achievable goals.
The phrase, "you can't stop fate with a bullet," comes to mind. They're insecurities. It's like you say, the problem is that it's never enough and failing to understand something always has at least a little potential, usually muted and distant, to cause me anxiety and distress and so on the completely illogical way insecurities are. But you're right. I can do better. I can take it more seriously. I can commit more. Focus more. You might not know how I can hardly even relax to watch a movie because where is the self-improvement in it? I have to sell myself most everything I do and it's how I live. It's not efficient. I can certainly do better, but eventually I need to question if any of this is right and really best. Is that an escape? As though I don't wonder everyday of my life whether I'm really doing the right thing with my time. Or is it that I should not wonder? Life is scary, but like Camus says, bit by bit, I've grown accustomed.
Instead you go to your local supply store and buy yet another tool or 5, get that instant feeling of gratification, and ride that dopamine high until you find something else to take your mind off things.
You don't feel like this is a bit rich?
I donít see your tool buying as a means to improve yourself (or even your surroundings), itís a means to escape. You long for change, for progress, for difference yet all the while you are looking for escape; because all those things that you so desire come at a cost Ė the cost of having to deal with significant stresses in your life. Rather than developing productive and healthy coping mechanisms you design more and more elaborate escape ones (think chessboard).
I'm sorry, you've lost me. Well, except for the parts where you're repeating what I said. Elaborate
escapes? I'm failing to connect that with chessboards. Are you talking about yours? Are you saying it was an escape to work on that? Make that claim. I'd like to hear that because it will settle the question of whether you know anything at all. Anyway ... the escape was not finishing it earlier. And I'm sorry about that. I just wanted some time to pass is all.
Anyway, I stand by my work. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and don't regret it. That goes for what I do at work and what I do at home. Maybe you don't approve of my program--what do I know about whether it's good or right?--but it is mine, it's what I've chosen, and I believe in my endeavors and capacities. Tell a painter their buying brushes is an escape and improves nothing. Time makes waste of all the world, but while I'm alive I'm going to live and I'm going to build anyway. If the stone rolls down the hill, I will push it back up because it it is my work, and it is not arbitrary or meaningless to me.
The trauma of having to assert yourself, to stand your corner, disagree with someone, to ask for help, to deal with those all-consuming emotions that flair up once in a while, making mistakes and learning from them is too much; so up goes this stoic faÁade and the conviction of having a higher purpose in life than what is meted out to you.
of having to assert myself ... again I wonder who you are talking to because it doesn't feel like me. But I said before there is some truth to most everything and that applies here too. Courage doesn't always come instantly to me and I'm never sure if it's courage or recklessness and shortsightedness, but I don't feel like I have a long history of letting myself be pushed around. I was bullied quite a bit in middle school but I think you'd be proud of what I've managed since then. Stoic facade ... what do I sound like to you? Do you read what I say and think, "pitiful"? Because I at least don't think its weakness to surrender the face I prefer to wear, but rather it's a strength. I've gone through enough little "crises" of faith the long view does stay with me. My feelings might not match it, but that's the whole point of the exercise, to reconcile my mind, it's not to proclaim my despair and hopelessness except insofar as it's another piece to fit together. So keep your scorn and tough love because I am your equal.
Thing is, the world is not your oyster, you canít be everything you set your mind to be, there are limitations for us all. But what you have is an incredible gift of having the means to make the best of what you have. Focus on what you can do, set manageable and measurable goals and go from there. Stop trying to blend into the background. Stand out and donít be afraid to challenge things. I already know you are not afraid of failure, so why do you let that fear consume the way you feel about work? You keep saying you are whole, you are complete, then stop trying to fill your life with these absurd voids of worthlessness or hopelessness when you know full well that you are anything but! Build on the foundation you already have, there is no need to relay it. You are perfect the way you are, stop trying to escape yourself and your life, focus on what you can do and work on that.
Sorry for being blunt but you know I have nothing but your best interests at heart so please forgive this tirade. Be good and stay strong.
Thanks, that's good advice.