No I'm not buying them in person. I live kinda far from shoe stores making it inconvenient for me to go. I bought shoes last year online that were dirt cheap and they were the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn. I wish they still sold them.

Going in person doesn't seem to matter. I've been disappointed with many things I've tried on in person, especially jeans. Fit great in the store, took them home, washed them, shrunk, and ended up too tight.
Well ok, my biggest complaint with the shoes so far is my feet slip out. My feet are narrow so it happens sometimes. Trying them on before buying might help but going in person seems like such a hassle I want to avoid it as much as possible. And anyway, these shoes I just bought fit good and didn't hurt at first. Just now hurting the second day wearing them. Soooo frustrating.

I think I'm just meant to wear pajamas and slippers but too bad that wont work for my job

I'm bothered by my sole existence right now. I feel like a total failure, I can't achieve anything... I'm so tired.

Loud neighbors, you'd think it being freezing cold outside would stop them.

As long as reading a few pages from a book or playing an instrument for a few minutes are accomplishments that leave me tired if not exhausted, I really can't expect to do much in life.

The loneliness, and the fear. Mostly the loneliness.

I could definitely have done without waking up to the sound of the clock falling off the wall. Jesus what a noise.

i feel so dark right now. i mean i always feel dark. it's a mircale i haven't done the deed.

My parents just keep getting more involved with their old church. Since his stroke and cancer diagnosis in January my dad has dived back in all the way; he has a "calling" for the first time in over a decade -- basically an unpaid job he has to do for the church. He attends every Sunday via Zoom, and he's always watching talks on his tablet or reading his scriptures. And while my mom hasn't started attending with him yet, she keeps relying on people from their "ward" to do stuff for us like shopping, even though I offer all the time to go myself. But my mother is absurdly overprotective; she'd rather ask people who are practically strangers to do it, than risk me bringing the virus home. Now we're getting "love-bombed" again, with random church people showing up and leaving stuff on our doorstep, usually accompanied by some preachy message.

Risks from the global pandemic aside, I'm really concerned about my future. This is what Mormons do: they suck you in, doing all of these "favors" for "inactive" people like us to make us feel like we owe them and guilt-trip us into going back. And it really saddens me that my parents are so eagerly falling for it. My parents are not stupid -- my mom especially has had some run-ins with petty and manipulative church people in the past. After I officially resigned and my parents went inactive I was hoping that they were out for good. But here they are, getting sucked right back in again.

It makes me really depressed and anxious. All I can do is sit around and wait for the day they try to drag me back into it too. This is the ****tiest part of "family": wanting what's best for them, wanting to help them, but being completely unable to do so because they're totally blinded by a fundamentalist cult, brainwashed their whole lives into believing in stuff that is demonstrably false! Hell, it'll be because my parents or extended family or neighbors or WHOEVER believe that THEY know what is best for ME that they'll try dragging me back into it. It's so ridiculous it makes me want to scream... and break something.

"The tragedy of a species becoming unfit for life by over-evolving one ability is not confined to humankind. Thus it is thought, for instance, that certain deer in paleontological times succumbed as they acquired overly-heavy horns. The mutations must be considered blind, they work, are thrown forth, without any contact of interest with their environment. In depressive states, the mind may be seen in the image of such an antler, in all its fantastic splendour pinning its bearer to the ground."

I wish there was someone like Zapffe still around today that could give words to my depression induced, misanthropic self-annihilation fantasies... sigh Yes I'm kind of crushing on him and his writings as of late

We have new neighbours. They just put in a hot tub. During the day, their builders are blaring music. After the builders leave, the neighbours get in the hot tub and blare music. This used to be a relatively quiet area and my mother doesn't take well to change. She's drinking more again and I feel like she's very close to yelling at the neighbours to STFU. At which point I will die of embarrassment.

Social media, i keep trying to ignore jealousy, but it's hard seeing people i knew just having a lot more money to travel and having a more normal ideal life than me.

I did barely post anything but have been going out and taking pictures of places i have been and putting them on Facebook alongside some selfies just to say i have been going out of my house, but people generally don't go to the places i went to take a walk in and the people i saw...well, i guess they weren't the kind to randomly stop and talk to strangers either, why yes, we are both walking in this...i guess small hill and passed through each other, bye!

I know, i know, talking to random people is fine and a good idea to combat anxiety, it's just if i don't like to be bothered and enjoy solitude at times, i expect others walking by to also not want to be randomly stopped as they are walking.

Still, i have just realized i have been mostly taking pictures of places or myself...alone while others tend to be with others or really large groups, like, did everyone i used to know really grow up to always hang out with groups of 10 or more people!?

I know i ghosted some of them, but i don't recall them inviting me to that kind of stuff...then again the few times i did accept to go i either got sick or they were the ones ghosting me, yeah, sure let's go watch a movie, you swear you or others will call me and i will stay awake all night hoping for a call or an apology afterwards...sorry, i guess seeing people i knew being with such big groups in a lot of photos kinda dragged some memories.

At least some people are commenting on the photos and saying they are nice, and liking them so there is that at least.

I need a break. I need a break. Ineedabreak.

I hit the gas instead of the breaks today and almost rammed into another car. Wtf. And then when I was about to back out of the parking I put my car in drive instead of reverse. Could have rammed into the wall.
Having problems sleeping and having big problems just calming down my mind

Looks like today is gonna be a Costco day. My mother insists that we get there at 9 AM because it's the senior hour and she thinks that will help. Except it won't because my dad is so slow that we'll barely be getting started by 10 when everyone else is allowed in and I am not a senior and I also don't even have a damn Costco membership so if I get separated from my dad and they see me wondering around in there between 9-10 they'll probably boot me out. And I won't be able to get back in because I'm not a member.

And I know it'll happen. Every time we go in there we get separated. I stop to look at something for 5 seconds and turn around and he's just friggin gone. I'm gonna be so pissed if that happens. That's on top of walking around worrying that I'm breathing death the whole time.

Even in the face of sheer exhaustion, it can feel impossible to shut your brain off, drop your shoulders, get some sleep. That's a hard place. I hope you can get a break. It's interesting that you are hitting the gas instead of the brakes. It's almost a metaphor for not being able to stop and get a break. Hope it gets better.

My mother is pissing me off. She keeps saying stuff about how this is the last Xmas we'll have with my dad. She just can't help but focus on the negative all the damn time. It's like YES, I KNOW my father is dying and I'm doing my damnedest not to think about it and just enjoy the time we have left with him; why the **** does she have to bring it up every damn day?

And now she keeps staying up WAY later than she ever did before. She used to go upstairs with my dad no later than 7-8 PM, and now here it is almost 10 and she's still here, because my dad goes to sleep too early. I feel obligated to stay with her, but I need time to myself. Especially when she just keeps saying depressing ****. I know everyone deals with things in their own way but she's always so negative, always expecting the worst -- I'm starting to see where my anxiety actually comes from.

I did that just a few days ago on perfect sleep with no stress or distractions. Happens. As long as you don't inexplicably gun it when you back out of your parking space, you notice after a few inches.

But being sleep-deprived is dangerous and unhealthy in lots of ways, so I hope you can find a solution.

It looks like Youtube is down. Again.

I wish my depression spirals had a pattern. I've been seeing slight improvements in my body after two months of exercises, but apparently it's not enough to motivate me to keep going. Or to eat less. I started a drawing but I can't motivate myself to finish it. I have a ton of anime to watch but I can't motivate myself to watch it. There are trailers out for the new Loki and Winter Soldier/Falcon shows but I'm over it. Over it. Can you believe that? I don't even want to write stories, the way I distracted myself for 15 damn years. So now I'm just refreshing tabs aimlessly, waiting for some sort of inspiration to strike. And being cynical on Pinterest, because that's what I do best.

And this is me *on* antidepressants. Maybe my B12 is low again. It's a month until I get a new jab for it though. But seriously, how does anyone live like this?

I'm not sure if this is "bothering" me too much, but objectively it is a problem. I have a nervous tic that I've had for decades of picking the material on my pants, at the knees and lower legs. Early on in the PA governor's first course of business destruction in the Spring, I was home a lot and as such was wearing sweatpants and not crunching that fabric. Totally unconsciously, I replaced that tic with another (though I still crunch the pants material) - rubbing my thumbnail with my index finger. I'd never done this before although I have liked the look of that nail for decades because it has odd, raised striations that are different from my other nails.

So now this nail is very shiny. I find it attractive to look at as it shines in the light; it looks different in different types of light. The problem is that I look at it almost constantly. If I have a second off from typing something for work or if I am trying to think of something, I'll bring my hand up and look at the shininess of the nail. I rub it constantly, and it's probably causing some hand/finger damage. I'm wondering if I need to consider some type of glove or covering when I'm not typing.

I see my past self from 2017 and I really want to go back there. It felt like nothing could hurt me, except for general misery at job and I didn't mess up so much as I do now. I trusted society more and loved people more. I regretted less, worried less. Lived with so much joie de vivre. Maybe I need a change or scenery or grammar lessons.
I really dont know. Less hangs up about my body for sure. Xmas may be delayed but that's par for the course in 2020. I shouldnt take things for granite or marble.