(Support Thread) What's Bothering You Right Now? - Page 682 - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #13621 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-09-2020, 12:45 AM
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Life Sucks Rt Now


Hi,
Iím back after SEVERAL years. Itís been a BUMPY *** ride to say the least. Not sure where to start. So, the background is that I was more outgoing as a kid and by my teens is when I remember truly identifying as being socially anxious. Did well in school (once I got to high school and got serious), then went to college and did exceptionally well there. Got an extra degree in social work because I love helping others, activism, and want to change the world. Social work makes me happy, but the conditions I have to do it under have contributed to destroying my life in qualitative ways. Although I have overcome my doubts about my competence as a social worker, I ALWAYS struggle with the workplace politics and schmoozing, etc.
I guess the issue is I followed all the rules, followed my heart, did what I love. Just feels like itís a system of escalating punishments. Student loans up the yahoo, you name it. Lived away from home for a couple of years before becoming overwhelmed by the crazy workplace dynamics of my profession and never being the bossí favorite. I also recently discovered that I had an undiagnosed sleep disorder so being on time for things is an ONGOING STRUGGLE b/c Iím ALWAYS tired. Doctor billed my insurance and never helped me get the machine I need to manage my sleep issues. Despite my tardiness issues, I always work extra hard to go above and beyond and score visible ďwinsĒ for my clients and every job Iíve been that has commended me for it, but then I also get bullied for being a threat to management. I am always recommended to go into management, but never overcame my social anxiety enough to do that. So Iím always stuck. I have these degrees, accomplishments, but cannot ďreap what Iíve sewnĒ so to speak. I am looked down upon and judged by many because I have had to live with my mom for so many years, but itís b/c Iím terrified of my student loan debt.
I used to be known for being miss neat, etc. I am a DEF germophobe. NOTHING in my life is not sanitized, but this OCD side of me also leads me to struggle with organizing things I own and it drives my mom nuts. She has all this resentment and so now she just goes off on me nilly willy. Iím depressed as hell and just canít get things organized as quickly as sheíd like. I feel like Iím handicapped in some way. It just really hurt when my brother was criticizing me and my mom caught herself before saying, ďdonít come down on her, sheís MEN---Ē she was gonna say Iím mental, but stopped herself. That hurt even though thereís truth to it. My organizational issues have crepped up as I have struggled with my career and stability. I lost my job in December over some made up bull ****. Was I a perfect employee: of course not, but I was DEF an ASSET to the company and had tallied the MANY thousands of dollars I saved the company. I have ZERO motivation to get back into the work world. Esp now with COVID-19 since I am a medical social worker. To top it all off I had to stop the anti-depressant Iíve been on for years b/c it started damaging my heart and Iím not even 40 yet. Itís just so ****ING MUCH. And I know Iím lucky, but struggling nonetheless (((sigh))). Thanks for letting me shareÖ.
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post #13622 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-09-2020, 05:29 AM
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I'm in bed working on my laptop and I forgot to get the left over pizza out of the refrigerator.

D':
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post #13623 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-09-2020, 09:19 PM
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My savings account dropped a %, it was already low meh.

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post #13624 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-09-2020, 10:13 PM
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Worried about my brother. Feel so bad for him.
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post #13625 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-09-2020, 11:24 PM
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Even though I rarely venture outside home anymore, the world is kind enough to remind me about how ugly I am every time I step outside to get some fresh air or go for a short walk.

I didnít ask to fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Itís not my fault I lost the genetic lottery and have various issues that mean no doctor will chance doing plastic surgery on me. Why canít people just leave me alone?
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post #13626 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-10-2020, 05:40 AM
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When this pandemic blows over and I have to go back to normal; there is a lot of things I’m gonna have to take care of such as my mental health. And it’s bothering me because a lot of persons have to stay home or relocated and I kinda like the fact that there is curfew and I get to leave work early and now the hours are gonna be extended because the curfew hours have been pushed back (persons get 2 extra hours now to be on the road DOING NOTHING!!! I’m miserable so yes it bothers me subconsciously.
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post #13627 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-10-2020, 11:15 AM
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My medical supplier doesn't seem very motivated to send me my needed medical supplies...

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post #13628 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-10-2020, 03:21 PM
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It's sad that the highlight of my day is now walking in circles.

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When she delights in learning more.
Her world is learning; it defines
The destiny sheís reaching for

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post #13629 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-10-2020, 04:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by firestar View Post
It's sad that the highlight of my day is now walking in circles.
Right...Mine seems to be napping. :/

"Courage is not the absence of Fear. Courage is Fear walking." - Dr. Susan David

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post #13630 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-10-2020, 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by firestar View Post
It's sad that the highlight of my day is now walking in circles.
lol, mine's running in circles.

...you gotta keep the goal in mind, develop tunnel vision to a certain extent. it's hard, and it's not for everyone.

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post #13631 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-10-2020, 05:07 PM
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I wish I had someone who understood me
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post #13632 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-10-2020, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Lisy View Post
I wish I had someone who understood me
Is there a lot to be understood?
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post #13633 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-10-2020, 06:22 PM
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Never making it to the finish line successfully, and Dying Alone.
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post #13634 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-10-2020, 06:30 PM
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The fine mess I got myself into

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post #13635 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-11-2020, 06:51 AM
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Is there a lot to be understood?
Itīs mostly things that happen because of SA. I feel like this is all my fault and that I don't have much control over at the same time ... This is the only place where I see people who seem to have had experiences similar to the ones I have. It is tiring at times. Thank you for caring.
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post #13636 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-11-2020, 06:59 AM
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@Lisy ,you’re welcome, anytime *hugs* you arent giving yourself enough justice. You shouldnt be so hard on yourself, dear. I dont think I’ve ever met anyone in real life with similar situations as mine. So please dont ever feel alone.
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post #13637 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-11-2020, 11:26 AM
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I feel like people on SAS even understand me.
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post #13638 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-11-2020, 12:46 PM
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A doctor here just said that people with serious mental health issues should not be forced to self-isolate for two weeks. (although they still will be)

I feel like this isolation is making me much, much worse and it scares me almost more than the virus.
It's not much fun. (Hi btw Don, hope you ok).

I got back with my gf. I split up with her during an angry argument over whatsapp about a month ago, said some things I regret, she seemed to be gaslighting me which was what finally tipped me over the edge (I had been thinking about it for a couple of months, but have a zero tolerance policy to that kind of thing now). Unfortunately I do regret it, the argument, things I said, but above all the timing (not that this was in my control).. though not necessarily breaking up with her.

Anyway, 1 week later, quarantine, which was incredibly unfortunate timing. My psychologist of 3 years having a baby in a couple of weeks, so that's ending too, so I am locked up here with basically one friend over whatsapp, and dealing with this damn breakup once again, and all the regrets of the relationship ending (she blocked me so I haven't even tried to get back in touch, but don't think its a good idea, but desperately hope she is okay as her situation is very grim atm).

I've been holding out pretty well so far though, engrossing myself in stoicism, meditation.. but its hard work. The absolute best thing anyone can do is, imo:

1. Set a routine, stick to it religiously.
2. Meditate
3. Try to look on things as a challenge, rather than a punishment
4. Go all in on the self improvement, in some way. Try to get something positive out of this in the end. For me its stoicism and meditation (and am going to try a new psychologist shortly, am fortunate enough to have access to resources for that). I am doing a stoic journal, meditation, and generally trying to grow myself in more of a spiritual way.
5. Exercise, in some way
6. Try to keep nihilism and all or nothing thinking at bay.

I hope your family are keeping regular contact with you mate. You were always one of my favourite here fella. Stay safe .

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #13639 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-11-2020, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by SplendidBob View Post
It's not much fun. (Hi btw Don, hope you ok).

I got back with my gf. I split up with her during an angry argument over whatsapp about a month ago, said some things I regret, she seemed to be gaslighting me which was what finally tipped me over the edge (I had been thinking about it for a couple of months, but have a zero tolerance policy to that kind of thing now). Unfortunately I do regret it, the argument, things I said, but above all the timing (not that this was in my control).. though not necessarily breaking up with her.

Anyway, 1 week later, quarantine, which was incredibly unfortunate timing. My psychologist of 3 years having a baby in a couple of weeks, so that's ending too, so I am locked up here with basically one friend over whatsapp, and dealing with this damn breakup once again, and all the regrets of the relationship ending (she blocked me so I haven't even tried to get back in touch, but don't think its a good idea, but desperately hope she is okay as her situation is very grim atm).

I've been holding out pretty well so far though, engrossing myself in stoicism, meditation.. but its hard work. The absolute best thing anyone can do is, imo:

1. Set a routine, stick to it religiously.
2. Meditate
3. Try to look on things as a challenge, rather than a punishment
4. Go all in on the self improvement, in some way. Try to get something positive out of this in the end. For me its stoicism and meditation (and am going to try a new psychologist shortly, am fortunate enough to have access to resources for that). I am doing a stoic journal, meditation, and generally trying to grow myself in more of a spiritual way.
5. Exercise, in some way
6. Try to keep nihilism and all or nothing thinking at bay.

I hope your family are keeping regular contact with you mate. You were always one of my favourite here fella. Stay safe .
Lovely to hear from you Bob - I've been wondering how you're getting on and hoping you're okay. Sorry to hear about your girlfriend - that must be extra hard with all this isolation business going on.

I'st been awful to hear about all the deaths in the Uk due to the virus, and I was even concerned about poor old Boris for a while there. (sorry, just a bit of light humour) Sounds like he's going to be okay so that's good.

I think I'd probably change what I said in that post now - the virus frightens me more. So I'm staying in my apartment most of the time. And with the way my wife feels about all this it'll probably be about 6 months before she actually lets me back in the house again. So it's just phone calls for the foreseeable future.

Those points you wrote are a good idea. I must try and do some exercise. I talked about it with my son a week or so ago on the phone but haven't got around to doing them yet.
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post #13640 of 13868 (permalink) Old 04-12-2020, 07:21 AM
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Having some nice body aches. That's fine, I'm only going to be sitting around and have some family to briefly celebrate Easter anyway.
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