Physically tired and sore from my job, mentally exhausted from anxiety and depression. First thoughts I have every morning and often the same thoughts I have throughout the day are that I want to kill myself. Very sick of myself, though I suppose that's nothing new on this forum. I worry about the frequency at which I have these sorts of intrusive thoughts now. Grown worse over the years.
I seem to have become addicted to relaxation. Now nothing satisfies me. Still smoking like there's no consequences. Made some friends but feel guilty when I hang out with them because they think I have money because I dress nice and drive a two year old car. I haven't tried making friends of my own caliber because I'm afraid of being the poor friend or losing interest in my current girlfriend.
In the past year since March I heard voices nonstop. I committed self injury several times. I've wanted to kill myself before but I've always been curious about what's next. I feel like my family likes me underperforming because it makes them feel justified about their loveless whitewashed lives. Escaped porn addiction by taking legal cheap mild testosterone pills to make me feel more manly, which made me not want to watch.
My brain doesn't do what I want it to do. I've got a million life problems to solve and all I can think about doing is that my parents want me to go back to college. I'm 31 and I feel like a high schooler could run me over at the game of Life. I'm diagnosed chiefly with disorganized thoughts and it sure shows in my daily activities.
My choice activities vary every three days from driving all day long, hanging out with friends, writing stories, writing my self learned theories about life basics, binging on audiobooks, hiking, etc. None of which pays my bills. My dad pays most of my bills, which is worse for me than I can imagine. It takes all the seriousness out of life.
I have a girlfriend in a different state who says she wants to marry me and have children. I love her to death but there's no possible way were ever getting together. It hurts to think I found true love and that I totally failed it. There's not a single person that encourages us even though I've been barking her up for over two years now. It would be wrong if I quit on her. Jealous of all couples especially ones with children.
Stuck between better and worse. Trying to figure out how I'm going to be able to organize myself. All I can think of is writing down everything and organizing it that way, but I haven't tackled that yet. It takes a degree of organization to be able to begin to organize myself in that way. I'm afraid of wanting to quit anything I start. I used to be very organized growing up.
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