alien love gardener
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New Zealand
Language: English, Stomatopodian
Just posting this because I haven't talked to anyone irl in a month or two and I'm starting to talk to myself. So I guess I feel less crazy if I type it here instead of just ranting to myself. I'm probably quite mentally unwell at the moment, some things I think are not really lining up with what I'm pretty sure reality is. I get weird fears and unwanted thoughts. I suppose what people would call paranoia. Not a whole lot of it but enough to be disturbing as I know it is unrealistic. It sucks but at least I know I'm quite well when my circumstances are safe and predictable. I'm just under a lot of stress at the moment so I'm doing some weird repetitive stuff and talking to myself in my head a lot and in a weird way. And having some weird expectations. Honestly I'm not really sure if my parents just gaslight me or if I'm just absolutely out of it haaaa. I think it is somewhere in between, unintentional gaslighting mixed with me being paranoid.
It's weird being this mentally ill because I've always thought of more severely mentally ill people as being like "mentally ill" like it's their personality or a stable trait of theirs. Not just like a state they're in at the moment and that they're normal the rest of the time or at least functional in other circumstances. And I don't think most people expect it to be just a phase or how you are in this specific circumstance when you're stressed to this point. They expect it to be how you always are and it defines you as a person. But I don't struggle with these odd thoughts and behaviours when I'm not stressed and when my circumstances are safe and predictable.
Not talking to anyone really makes me feel weird. Like I'm writing these sentences and I have no idea if they make any sense because it has been so long since I had any feedback from other humans on whether I make sense or not. The way I talk and communicate is upsetting me but I think I need to put it down anyway because it feels healthier putting it somewhere it gets read by another person. If I just keep talking to myself in my head I feel more isolated.
I have actually been talking to someone online but he is crazy so it doesn't help my sanity much, I don't think. He knows he is crazy. Probably not completely delusional but somewhat mad. Madder than I am by quite a bit. His beliefs are mostly completely opposite to my opinions so I don't think that I pick up on them but they do disturb me. I think I am pretty good for him. But he is not very good for me. I'm completely infatuated with him. When I wake up and when I go to sleep I stare at a picture I have of him. I lie there with his face draining my phone battery, feeling like a girl with a locket containing her only picture of her lover. This is the only purpose my phone has, to present his face to me. It's a drug. His eyebrows are a drug. I spend so long staring at my picture of him. I think it's because he is the only connection I have right now. He has not been talking to me for the past week though so I don't know if he will again. He is extremely isolated like me. Unfortunately being infatuated with him has made me completely uninterested in other people so now I don't go on dates with people from Tinder and that was how I got my social needs met. But I can't be bothered meeting people from Tinder because they aren't him. And because I don't have a car. Haha. Hahahahaha. His eyebrows. I love them. I want to kiss him. I want him to kiss me.
When I look at his eyebrows it's weird because it's not like, "damn, he's so hot", it's like, "this is a divine human being." It's like one of those pictures that is made up of lots of faces blended together. Like his face is all fuzzy around the edges and he looks like he must be an angel to be that beautiful. When I look at his picture, it's like how I imagine people felt about the Mona Lisa, idfk what it was they liked about the Mona Lisa because I don't find it particularly nice to look at, but I think it's like her face is nicely proportioned and it feels satisfying looking at it? But I like the familiarity. Nah yeah that's what it is actually. It's like when I look at the Mona Lisa and I've seen it so many times and it's become so familiar that it feels like if I saw her I'd be like, "Oh, who's that again? One of my cousins, right?" And when I look at his picture it's like that. It's like I look at it and I keep thinking, "Who does he remind me of?" "What historical figure does he look like?" "What painting does this look like?" But I don't think he actually looks like anyone. I just feel this deep familiarity when I look at his picture, even when I hadn't looked at it much (but I was already infatuated so that is why I suppose). It's the feeling I have when I see someone who has somewhat similar features to myself but they're good-looking. Comfortable and familiar and like they're just so loving and loveable, like, "That's someone who is looking out for me." Or like when I see pictures of myself as a child and it feels like, "That's someone I'm looking out for." Anyway it's a lovely feeling. Like when you see A CAT THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOUR CATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. I LOVE THAT FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or, or, OR WHEN YOU SEEEEE
YOUR ACTUAL CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT IS THE FEELING
THE FEELING OF LOVE
Except I'm not in love, it's just infatuation.
Ahh yes I feel a lot better now. Talking to you really calmed me down. I need to go sniff my cat now. Tomorrow I will not be seeing him much anymore, so in my posts I will probably start getting even less stable. I will be truly alone. Apart from my picture of the boy. Byeeeee. <3
PS oMFGGGG I just realised I could sniff my cat WHILE LOOKING AT THE PICTURE OF THE BOY I LIKE'S FACE. I could do that. It would be heaven. It would be too much. I'm shaking and getting the beginning of hysterical giggles just thinking about it. I had better not do that. Don't mix drugs.
hello I am anna I like patting bumbleebess and playing detective and I want tummypats pleas