(Support Thread) What's Bothering You Right Now? - Page 640 - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #12781 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 01:00 PM
Don
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve French View Post
I have this problem where I go over past moments of embarrassment, shame, pain, or just general cringe. It's quite mentally painful, and even gives me a physical shudder. I know I cannot change the past and thinking about these things is ridiculous, but I can't seem to help it. Today it's been an incident when I had a public meltdown when I was like 7 or 8 years old. Making me feel a bit ill. Quite ridiculous.
I get that sometimes too, sometimes very vivid. The whole of my childhood was a series of awkward and cringe moments that cultivated the condensed bottle of social shame I am today.

Life's Wack
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post #12782 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 12:12 AM
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post #12783 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 04:45 AM
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I absolutely swear I'll get killed in a car accident one day. I've been in 6 accidents (all which were not my fault) but then tonight I almost took out someone who ran a red and someone else slammed their brakes on infront of me not long after that. I swear I attract bad drivers or something. Time for a dash cam I think.

Probably should have put this in the general thread, it aint really a vent but damn, 2 close calls tonight, people cant drive!!!!

So come rain on my parade
'Cause I want to feel it
Come shove me over the edge
'Cause my head is in overdrive
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post #12784 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 05:33 AM
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I'm an intern right now (because I have to do 60 days of internship to graduate) but I don't get paid. I'm just here because I have to, there is no motivation for me to do any kind of work. But they asked if I could do something for them - retrieving data from a specific port address. I've tried for a few days but then realized I'm not capable of doing it, so I let it go. But today a coworker came and asked if I've achieved it. I usually get super nervous when I'm talking about something that I'm really self conscious about. So I got so nervous and my face turned red, I felt like my body was on fire. There were only 2 people around me but I felt ashamed and wanted to disappear. They didn't insult me or anything but it was really bad.
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post #12785 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 07:35 AM
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Just posting this because I haven't talked to anyone irl in a month or two and I'm starting to talk to myself. So I guess I feel less crazy if I type it here instead of just ranting to myself. I'm probably quite mentally unwell at the moment, some things I think are not really lining up with what I'm pretty sure reality is. I get weird fears and unwanted thoughts. I suppose what people would call paranoia. Not a whole lot of it but enough to be disturbing as I know it is unrealistic. It sucks but at least I know I'm quite well when my circumstances are safe and predictable. I'm just under a lot of stress at the moment so I'm doing some weird repetitive stuff and talking to myself in my head a lot and in a weird way. And having some weird expectations. Honestly I'm not really sure if my parents just gaslight me or if I'm just absolutely out of it haaaa. I think it is somewhere in between, unintentional gaslighting mixed with me being paranoid.

It's weird being this mentally ill because I've always thought of more severely mentally ill people as being like "mentally ill" like it's their personality or a stable trait of theirs. Not just like a state they're in at the moment and that they're normal the rest of the time or at least functional in other circumstances. And I don't think most people expect it to be just a phase or how you are in this specific circumstance when you're stressed to this point. They expect it to be how you always are and it defines you as a person. But I don't struggle with these odd thoughts and behaviours when I'm not stressed and when my circumstances are safe and predictable.

Not talking to anyone really makes me feel weird. Like I'm writing these sentences and I have no idea if they make any sense because it has been so long since I had any feedback from other humans on whether I make sense or not. The way I talk and communicate is upsetting me but I think I need to put it down anyway because it feels healthier putting it somewhere it gets read by another person. If I just keep talking to myself in my head I feel more isolated.

I have actually been talking to someone online but he is crazy so it doesn't help my sanity much, I don't think. He knows he is crazy. Probably not completely delusional but somewhat mad. Madder than I am by quite a bit. His beliefs are mostly completely opposite to my opinions so I don't think that I pick up on them but they do disturb me. I think I am pretty good for him. But he is not very good for me. I'm completely infatuated with him. When I wake up and when I go to sleep I stare at a picture I have of him. I lie there with his face draining my phone battery, feeling like a girl with a locket containing her only picture of her lover. This is the only purpose my phone has, to present his face to me. It's a drug. His eyebrows are a drug. I spend so long staring at my picture of him. I think it's because he is the only connection I have right now. He has not been talking to me for the past week though so I don't know if he will again. He is extremely isolated like me. Unfortunately being infatuated with him has made me completely uninterested in other people so now I don't go on dates with people from Tinder and that was how I got my social needs met. But I can't be bothered meeting people from Tinder because they aren't him. And because I don't have a car. Haha. Hahahahaha. His eyebrows. I love them. I want to kiss him. I want him to kiss me.

When I look at his eyebrows it's weird because it's not like, "damn, he's so hot", it's like, "this is a divine human being." It's like one of those pictures that is made up of lots of faces blended together. Like his face is all fuzzy around the edges and he looks like he must be an angel to be that beautiful. When I look at his picture, it's like how I imagine people felt about the Mona Lisa, idfk what it was they liked about the Mona Lisa because I don't find it particularly nice to look at, but I think it's like her face is nicely proportioned and it feels satisfying looking at it? But I like the familiarity. Nah yeah that's what it is actually. It's like when I look at the Mona Lisa and I've seen it so many times and it's become so familiar that it feels like if I saw her I'd be like, "Oh, who's that again? One of my cousins, right?" And when I look at his picture it's like that. It's like I look at it and I keep thinking, "Who does he remind me of?" "What historical figure does he look like?" "What painting does this look like?" But I don't think he actually looks like anyone. I just feel this deep familiarity when I look at his picture, even when I hadn't looked at it much (but I was already infatuated so that is why I suppose). It's the feeling I have when I see someone who has somewhat similar features to myself but they're good-looking. Comfortable and familiar and like they're just so loving and loveable, like, "That's someone who is looking out for me." Or like when I see pictures of myself as a child and it feels like, "That's someone I'm looking out for." Anyway it's a lovely feeling. Like when you see A CAT THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOUR CATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. I LOVE THAT FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or, or, OR WHEN YOU SEEEEE

YOUR ACTUAL CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS THE FEELING
THE FEELING OF LOVE
Except I'm not in love, it's just infatuation.

Ahh yes I feel a lot better now. Talking to you really calmed me down. I need to go sniff my cat now. Tomorrow I will not be seeing him much anymore, so in my posts I will probably start getting even less stable. I will be truly alone. Apart from my picture of the boy. Byeeeee. <3

PS oMFGGGG I just realised I could sniff my cat WHILE LOOKING AT THE PICTURE OF THE BOY I LIKE'S FACE. I could do that. It would be heaven. It would be too much. I'm shaking and getting the beginning of hysterical giggles just thinking about it. I had better not do that. Don't mix drugs.

hello I am anna I like patting bumbleebess and playing detective and I want tummypats pleas
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post #12786 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-12-2019, 02:35 PM
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I'm running into bad luck everywhere. The woman at the bank said she couldn't help me with my online account. How can you not help me? She said it would take up to 24 hours until it changes. I asked her how long it would take. She said that's usually how long it takes. It's been over 24 hours. Her job is literally to help me damnit. I can't access my account cause of my phone number change. Doesn't make sense. I should be able to access it by now. I dont want to keep driving up here just to see how much I have in my account. That's ridiculous.
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post #12787 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 04:42 AM
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post #12788 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 09:56 AM
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Something annoying happened that made me twitch lol.

I don't wanna exist
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post #12789 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 10:20 AM
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My brain

Miles to go before I sleep.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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post #12790 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 09:08 PM
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I'm tired of being on probation. I really wish I could've avoided it

Late Bloomer or Dead Man, idk
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post #12791 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-13-2019, 09:58 PM
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I can't even, manage a phone call to check on a job application. I was able to call once and talked in a barely coherent way (which comfirmed some of my basic fears about making a call and trying to take initiative), and they told me to call another day because they needed to transfer me to a different number that didn't have people answering at the time. I need to call again and check on my application, but I can't ****ing do it. I just stare at my phone angry at myself. I don't know what to do. I can't get anyone to hire me.

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post #12792 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 05:59 PM
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I have a headache and slightly anxious.
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post #12793 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 06:32 PM
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the cumulative effect turning into waves effectively ending in wipe out. Ugh. its all getting a bit much and I am less prepared for this episode than perhaps in previous ones. That movie kind of made me think, in the grand scheme of things, are we the mad scientists who think it'd be fun to do XYzed? Not to make anyone feel more existential than already with a compu-sim theory. Yes, making up words. Compu-sim, the next wave of VRrrrrgerrrrrr. There's been countless stories of alt-reals that end up in ,"Ah, I'm crazy! It's both dream and reality! *pulls plug*" and yea, I think truth can be strange than fiction. Totes money-maxed, blue-faced, rainbow-pilled, compu-simmed.
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post #12794 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-15-2019, 02:49 PM
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My dad died of cancer earlier this evening. He looked into my eyes as he passed away. My poor dad. At least his suffering was relatively short.

2b
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post #12795 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-15-2019, 03:04 PM
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My dad died of cancer earlier this evening. He looked into my eyes as he passed away. My poor dad. At least his suffering was relatively short.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Now I'm Nothing
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post #12796 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-15-2019, 03:10 PM
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My dad died of cancer earlier this evening. He looked into my eyes as he passed away. My poor dad. At least his suffering was relatively short.
So sorry to hear about your dads passing, I hope you find comfort in friends and family RIP
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post #12797 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-15-2019, 03:13 PM
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My dad died of cancer earlier this evening. He looked into my eyes as he passed away. My poor dad. At least his suffering was relatively short.
R.I.P

In the woods they found.
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post #12798 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-15-2019, 03:22 PM
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My dad died of cancer earlier this evening. He looked into my eyes as he passed away. My poor dad. At least his suffering was relatively short.
I'm sorry for your loss.

It is the light she longs to find,
When she delights in learning more.
Her world is learning; it defines
The destiny she’s reaching for

- Marie Curie
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post #12799 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-15-2019, 04:38 PM
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Every gawd damn day it's the same gawd damn thing, Flipping tired of it and I really flipping wish my parents never met and never had sex and never had me. I Hate living on this stupid flipping planet.

This whole planet is polluted with simple minded stupid dumb ***** people who run it. I'm tired of people yelling at me, I'm tired of people in general.

Life sucks and I really flipping wish I was never conceived.

BOOM! Goes The Dynamite
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post #12800 of 13119 (permalink) Old 07-15-2019, 04:52 PM
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Quote:
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My dad died of cancer earlier this evening. He looked into my eyes as he passed away. My poor dad. At least his suffering was relatively short.
Very sorry to hear that mate, at least he didn't suffer for long. Good that you could be there too.

All the best mate.
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