I feel hopeless ... like I won't survive the next day at work. I won't be able to trick people into thinking I'm doing anything worthwhile. The image will crack. I'll finally have to face the fact that I have no idea how to do anything. That I'm just confused and lost.
It's the same fear, day after day. I feel like I'm losing it, but I know the past is so much darker, and this is tame by comparison. How do I face it?
So there is this fear on the one hand, and my sense of incredulity at this perpetual silliness of my mind on the other. Maybe all I can say is that I feel discomfort. Not painful enough to call pain, but a form of suffering in any case. I can withstand suffering though.
It's like if I were down on all fours trying to stand, it would take hours to have the energy to put a foot underneath me. The dizziness would swirl and after some hours I could push myself up against a wall, and then, exhausted from a day's work, I would have to retreat to the ground again for the sleep I never quite overcame in the first place. If I stand, it doesn't matter any more. So far am I from being competitive.
Every day I'm trying to be useful, trying to accomplish something. I've had to scold myself for buying things I don't need lately--tools, of course--and I know it's from this ache for change, for progress, for difference. Tools are so fitting. I just want capability but there's no taking away the waste inherent in time. The toil itself is a reach for something I cannot attain.
How is it that my thinking has become as distorted as this? Where every accomplishment becomes the smallest repayment to a debt that only grows? How do I snap out of this? It's all in my mind after all! There's no one I can even plea to, but it's inappropriate anyway!
Because somehow, I know it is in me to chose to think in my right mind. To have faith. I don't know even what I should do exactly, just that somehow, I have the power to change this. I am not asleep, and my mind is very much present.
And, like always, the trouble becomes vapor, and I'm left to wonder ... it doesn't even matter. I am here though. I am real! I am conscious and I can still make decisions. I'm not trapped! It's just I feel really isolated sometimes. I don't even know what I need, just that I need. I'm scared. It's the most ridiculous reaction though. Just let. GO. senkora. I'm a creature that seems not to have been meant to journey far from the earth, where I must wander through mud, scrape myself on rocks, fall in streams, and bake in the heat. Such is life! Did you think you could stop it? Go and feel PAIN if that is what you are going to feel! It's only unpleasant is all. It's not a threat. Nothing to despair over. Where is your mind? How have you become confused? What dream are you dreaming? What is this drama? But it is merely uncomfortable. Let me screw up my face and feel my eyes water if I will. It is only a little unpleasant is all. I will endure it. I will see the other side of it.
Ok, seriously, that's enough though. Lighten up! I am FINE!
Whenever a mass shooting occurs it makes me feel self conscious. I feel like everyone at work is thinking "...yep... this guy fits the profile exactly...get this creep outta here". I just know they are thinking things like that.
That's a horrible feeling.
If it helps, I tend to think people are pretty vocal when they actually feel unsure about someone.