I want to die.
I can't decide for sure though. It would be really really nice for it to be over. I don't want to call a hotline or let anyone else know who could find me because it could only make things worse. It's better to just decide. Either live or don't. It shouldn't be because you're afraid because fear is ephemeral. But if it just hurts ... maybe that's not a bad reason. You should put aside thoughts about whether you are weak and whether you aren't just a whiner. It's cultural programming and it's irrelevant. I can feel my own fear and confusion. If you aren't settled about the matter, then maybe you shouldn't. But then, maybe no one who kills themselves can really be settled, just settled enough. In unending chaos, they make a space for themselves and that is enough.
I don't know. I don't know what to do. All I do feels meaningless. I do want help. I'm going to imagine someone's arms around me and just hold them tight.
We are the drop, the wave, and the tide.