Suicide - Meaningless Life
Ive never done this before. Not sure if this is right. Im not sure why Im even here. I want to die.
I read a lot of posts all over the internet about people who are struggling with their lives and hoping to not wake up the next day. I read their suicide attempts, their pains, what happens after the failed attempt. I couldnt find a story that matched me enough to relate to.
I want to die. Ive tried to kill myself multiple times. And I woke up from my failed attempts. I wasnt happy about it. Theres this struggle of knowing that living is what were suppose to fight for. Survival. So theres something in me telling me i dont want to die, but i definitely dont want to live.
I have friends. But im not connected to anyone. I traveled a lot over the years and ive lost friends because of it. Made others. And i have childhood friends I know I can always reconnect with instantly. But its not something that I want I guess. Its not meaningful enough to me, the friendships I have. I dont know if theres a word for it. I cant even act right with people anymore. I lose my breathe, Im thinking too hard on what to say and do. Friends in general is just not reason enough for me to keep going. I was never into friendships.
I have family. I lost my mother to suicide. She was very unstable. And i wasnt good to her. I didnt understand. And I blame myself for it a lot. This pain Im having now, I deserve. I should have been a better and kinder person. Everyday Im constantly trying to be a good person, say the right words, always help, be kind. To the point I cant even open my mouth to speak or worry about what step I make next. I have siblings. Were very close. But they each have their own families now. We love each other but dont know how to care for each other due to a very difficult path of poverty and abuse. Depression, alcoholism, loneliness. I should help them more but I dont. And they dont help me.
Im in good health besides my mental problems whatever they are, social anxiety. I use to exercise and eat right. But its been awhile. I feel very unattractive. I hate myself. I hate that im not better looking, better soul, better mind. (last time i was traveling and i met gypsie children being used and raised in a very specific culture. What really gets me is when they hold toddlers past out asking for money, i wont get into their culture and how thats normal for them, but i went to the police anyway and reported it and theres nothing they can do. I still think about them. if I see what i consider bad or bullying or hurtful, I try to step in and help but mostly it just haunts me and no good come out of it, like this for example.) I dont sleep. And my dreams bring me physical pain when I do drift off. I always have nightmares, not about monsters, about my life, my memories, bad things. I get sleep paralysis often and im always trap where I feel like i should be helping someone in my family or helping myself and i cant move or speak. I hate it.
I had my true love for over 3 years. He didnt treat me right. Secret girls, never cheated but just talked to a lot of girls he didnt share with me. I dont know what that is and if its normal but I feel betrayed (and the normal "boys will be boys" liking girls on social media and sexual posts). He said I wasnt a friend to him. He constantly isolated me when we were out (we come from different countries and I always travel to him), hes publicly humiliated me more than a couple of times and told his friends I was crazy and stay away. No, I didnt deserve it. Ive never harassed, or harmed, or bothered his people. Hardly talked to anyone. He did that because we would get into arguments, normal relationships ones in private always i never did anything in front of people, and he would go to his friends and put me down. Ive never talked badly about him even when he deserved it. I never saw the logic in it. He never tried to understand me and had no respect for me. Never knew how to apologize and never took responsibility. I was always that bad guy, i was always 'not normal', etc. Hes the type of person who hurts you and says he didnt or says hes hurt now because im saying he did something bad. When I finally fell into a deep depression from the relationship (constant traveling across the ocean, working a bar job where I was often harassed to afford it, never having any support, going to places i hated or i was builled for him and he let it happen) I told him about my suicidal thoughts. And he left me. Im not making him a bad guy, these are just the highlights that bring me here. Hes my true love for a reason. So many great qualities and he has a very unique way of caring for you that when it does show it means everything. I was there for him, supported him, listened to him, put a lot of effort into understanding his views, he always felt wanted and needed and appreciated. I am guilty of a bad mouth, i curse a lot and say things like "stupid retard" but i havent for awhile. I bring up a lot of things that happened no matter when, and he hated that. But I needed the closer I never got. Im also paranoid and hard to love. And sometimes i catch myself being irritated by him and showing it like "why do you find that funny thats stupid" which is really bad i stopped. Theres so much detail in this relationship but the point is, its what finally made me want to die after it all.
Before him, i was tortured by a much older man who put me in the hospital severely beaten and broke my face. (I got a new nose out of it and everyone says im much prettier but only if they knew how I got it). He raped me and threatened my family. I was working in his coffee shop to support college. He was mixed with bad people I didnt realize. I only ever fully talked about this with my love. And he has used it against me (thats why I dont trust men. no, I dont trust you because of all the secret girls. just an example. hes a social butterfly and im really not so theres that).
My living conditions are good for now. Until i lose my home because my family wants to move into a house with their own family. And i cant afford anything on my own. My dad supports us but hes very old and should have retired a decade ago and just wants to return back to his country. I am in school. traveling oversea (paid masters program in my field i love, i couldnt find in my home country and a way to be closer to my love). I feel I cant go there anymore because there are multiple girls there that had interactions with my love i never knew about. And when his friend came to visit he told him to stay away from me because i am sick (thats the time i told him i want to die, but it doesnt mean i would ever do anything wrong to anyone else and i felt completely exposed) so everyone knew there was something wrong with me. School has always been my escape. I hate school in general, its very limiting. But being in an learning environment always made me feel better and i was ok at school i got good grades but in general i never fit in. Ive been in a lot of groups and had lots of friends and ive been a leader more than once because somehow i am social but always something happens and i lose everything (usually i get annoyed or i dont agree with behavior and i get pushed out). Now I cant even look at people I get sick. But yes, school, reading, creating things, gaming, hiking, had made me feel better. and i practice my hobbies. but now, i cant go back to my school and finish my program with all the drama, i cant breathe there. I lost my escape.
So in conclusion, I like to think im a logical person (in some ways not all) who is surrounded by very tough situations (not war or starvation like many in this world) but what is tough in my world. My family knows I want to die now and have done little to stop it. Just the whole, dont do it we love you once around. And then what are you retarded, youre shameful, you should go in the loony bin once around. My love has said I was a mistake in his life and he regrets me. And im alone. And I have no hope for anything. No interest in anything. Nothing seems worth it. I cant love and trust again. Theres no meaning anymore. What do you do when life has lost meaning.