No longer good at posting
Join Date: Aug 2010
Struggling with time on many levels
I've never had a good relationship with time. At best, I was oblivious to it when I was younger; I felt as though my time was infinite, and I had no deadlines or reason to do things right away. I am much better at making deadlines, and I've almost completely kicked the bad habit of procrastination.
Recently, time is really haunting me. "Should I bother doing this at all? Will I even have enough time to accomplish my goal?"
I get doubts like this often, and it's hard to see a movie that is on TV with a date of like 2005. It just really bothers me how huge of a gap there is between then and now. Past memories, happy or sad, are too painful to think about. Now my dreams are even becoming unpleasant and in relation to the past. I've done some reading in the past about this, and it sounds as though if your mind isn't satisfied with it's current situation, it may revert back to a time when things were satisfactory.
I also have this issue with time being either too fast or too slow during the present moments. I believe this is even heredity from my mother, because she gets lost in her own world for hours while neglecting her responsibilities. I try to get up earlier now, so that I have the whole day to do things. However, at the end of the day it still becomes very depressing and it seems as though 24 hours is not enough for a day. Not just days, but events such as weddings, dinners, amusement parks, etc. I feel that they all aren't even worth starting, because in the end I feel so depressed coming down from such a high. Everything feels so temporary, no matter how great it is, and eventually life runs out. I guess I'm not willing to accept an end to things, and I don't know why I'm so stubborn about it.
I just wish I lived in a world where time didn't matter. I realized today that I'm not so much struggling with getting older and changing, as much as I'm struggling with everything around me getting older and changing instead. I'm pretty sure this is my brain telling me to change my life, but maybe I'm moving so slowly to where I'm afraid the change isn't making enough of an impact. I keep getting feelings of being homesick, even though I am home. I think that's another sign that my needs and wants are being neglected on an emotional level.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Does this haunting ever go away completely, even after you've acquired a much better lifestyle? Time really makes me feel claustrophobic with nearly everything that I try to do.
...I want something good to die for. To make it beautiful to live.
You can do what you can't do.
My ultimate goal in life is to make people snort-laugh.