Still Lost and tired 5 years later
I havnt been on here in a few years. I used to suffer from depression, and had a hard time fitting in. Im not one to asked for help but back then i went to see a psychiatrist and they just gave me medicine which im not sure if i took long enough but eventually stopped taking.
At the time i was living with my mom and dad, no real job, no kid, no friends,but still was unhappy, and not sure what i wanted to do with my life.
I took matters into my own hands and decided to try to get my life together i did whatever i could to dig myself out of my depressing hole. I began to workout alot, made a few friends, tended to self medicate with weed (i no longer do) and had no problem getting girls to hangout with although i have always been seen as weird.
I got past that stage of my life then at the age of 23 i got a better paying job cleaning tables (not great but money was good) at a pretty nice restaurant. This is also when i had my kid that i have now. I continued to workout, and enjoy life i still had enough free time to take trips, hangout with people, and spend alot of time with my son. I felt like i lived a somewhat normal life for once and was less awkward! Then by the age of 25 i finished trade school and once again decided to leave my comfort zone as a chance to improve my life, make more money and have a “real job”!
So about a year ago now i started this new job in a factory working on/ repairing machines, programming robots, welding etc. i finally felt that i was where i should be for my age financially, and it helped me knowing i no longer have to have people look down on me for working in a restaurant (even though i didnt care) i know what people think. Now it seems a year later working 55-76 hour weeks on third shift has tarnished away years of mental progress for me.
People say “You have money though” which is true but i never get to spend it. I still live at home as i see it would be useless buying a house id never be in. I see my son whos now 3 once a week sometimes once every two weeks, and have no interest in being with his mom (different topic).
I feel myself slipping back into madness and sometimes felt like my life was at its happiest when i was cleaning tables for money. Ive become asexual girs try to talk to me but im just not interested in doing anything anymore. I also feel have a bad extreme never ending case of “cabin fever”.
I always tell myself if i happen to be off a weekend im going to do something and get out of the house but here i am another sunday night sitting in dark trying not to wake anyone up like im a ghost! After doing nothing but staying in house all weekend i forgot to add.
The easy solution would be to quit my job but its much more that goes into it. I make good money, allows me to save, and it provides my health insurance, and i have alot invested in this career choice.
Its just all coming at a price im not sure im willing to pay , time missed with my son, mental health degrading, no happiness, late nights awake when nothing is open and no one is awake.
Ive also mentioned ive fallen back into my old ways of hibernating, being depressed to the point of thinking about dying, no interest in anything even when im off and awake on days off. I also fear getting a day job and being extremely awkward once again and being around so many people it sends me into a psychotic episode. I feel extremely trapped, and from the outside looking in i seem to have everything together and what society says i should have, but its literally killing me. Ive entertained just saying forget it and throwing away all my hardwork to go back to a simpler life cleaning tables but im now 26 with a 3 year old, and living at home so i should keep working towards buying that house, but thats just gonna soldify my current situation.
I dont know what to do sorry this is long and random maybe a cry for help, but im sock of living in thos work/ hibernation cycle im not sure how much longer i can take it. Any advice is appreciated and thanks for reading