Sounds stupid but.. I got heartbroken over a fictional character - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-07-2020, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Sounds stupid but.. I got heartbroken over a fictional character


First off, I'm a gay man, 24 years old who tries to cope with everything in my life with a character called Jesse McCree from overwatch, I've been obsessing over him since the day the game was released, I have a lot of photos of him in my google photos, had a lot of merchandise of him. Basically, it's like he's my part of my life to get through, to get going. a reason to live, and I wish I was joking but I'm not. I'm a social anxiety person so I do not like to talk with a real people so that's why I'm dependant on him all the time.

I had the first panic around late 2018 when blizzard is featuring McCree with a woman called Ashe. My life was instantly going downhill at that point, had no hope and I don't know how will I cope without him.

However, Michael Chu (who was the writer back then) confirmed that they're not in a relationship. I was feeling relieved for a while.

However My life was feeling exhausted again since last Monday Blizzard announcing that there's will be a new McCree lore involving a woman, plus the faces I know that Chu isn't a writer of Blizzard anymore I'm feeling afraid that blizzard could retcon (cancels anything that Chu was writing about him) anything including the relationship with the woman called Ashe. even worse he did somehow confirmed that it could be real: https://twitter.com/westofhouse/stat...03529995169793

I was afraid, lifeless and feeling lost. I don't know how will I cope about this, how will I cope about the fact that I don't have anyone to help me get through my life anymore.

I was skipping a lot of classes this week and just don't want to get off my bed anymore. I don't want to eat even. I feel like life is pointless now without him to the one point I'm planning to buy an nitrogen gas and a mask to just end myself. I can't live with this pain anymore.

I kept thinking about him all the time, he was my crush, an imaginary boyfriend. now he's gone just like that and I don't have anyone to talk nor explain my problem in real life.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-09-2020, 09:06 PM
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I haven't experienced that strong a reaction, mostly because I've always been very into fanfiction and so I find it easier to ignore cannon (most of the time) more than most people. That's also why I don't get heavily invested in shipping wars etc but I do also have similar coping mechanisms. If I find someone very attractive, I'll just invent personalities to project onto their body and just ignore who they are as people if they're someone I don't know personally or a fictional character. I pretend characters are sexually submissive when they're not, or more effeminate than they are in cannon, or are bisexual when they're not, or ship them with their enemies.



Anyway I'm sorry you feel this bad about it and I'm not sure what to suggest since I imagine being able to ignore stuff is kind of subjective in the first place based on how people online react. I kind of learnt to do it because there was a shortage of what I actually wanted to see I think in fiction, so I just kind of got used to making it all up and viewing fiction through whatever lens I wanted, along with noticing other people doing the same at a young age (like early teens.) Also though I guess I don't really get jealous with famous/fictional people.

Also on a non romantic/sexual note I like Reaper from Overwatch. I would though wouldn't I. Also like widowmaker. I ship mercymaker. It's kind of weird to be so dissociated that you view yourself as a stereotype of yourself. 'I'm so predictable... To myself.' More sanity posting.

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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2020, 06:44 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the reply.

I was also trying to get into the fanfics too, mostly McHanzo and McGenji (basically most gay McCree ships) but I can't still accept the fact that blizzard (the owner of the character) can mess up our beloved character for their own fits as they can. and they're actually doing this right now with their upcoming lore.

I don't know how do you build your own world without caring for canon lores though? I wish I could do that but it still hurts. I'm so bond to them to the point I always dreaming about them in my sleep.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2020, 07:23 AM
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How is this being retconned exactly though? I thought Mccree was always straight. Or at least his sexuality was never mentioned. You shouldn't pay attention to the canon anyways. And Blizzard ruining things isn't something new.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2020, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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How is this being retconned exactly though? I thought Mccree was always straight. Or at least his sexuality was never mentioned. You shouldn't pay attention to the canon anyways. And Blizzard ruining things isn't something new.
McCree isn't even close to being straight, there is no mentioning about his sexuality. So at best I was seeing him as bi.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2020, 10:37 AM
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Thanks for the reply.

I was also trying to get into the fanfics too, mostly McHanzo and McGenji (basically most gay McCree ships) but I can't still accept the fact that blizzard (the owner of the character) can mess up our beloved character for their own fits as they can. and they're actually doing this right now with their upcoming lore.

I don't know how do you build your own world without caring for canon lores though? I wish I could do that but it still hurts. I'm so bond to them to the point I always dreaming about them in my sleep.
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McCree isn't even close to being straight, there is no mentioning about his sexuality. So at best I was seeing him as bi.
I guess you could still pretend he's bisexual and just dating a woman right now? (I mean you don't have to pretend if he's hypothetically bi that happens all the time.) I only played for a little while a few years ago so I don't really keep up with all the lore like I know who Ashe is but not a bunch of stuff probably.

Well sometimes if I like an existing cannon couple but want to ship someone with someone else I'll just ship them all together so I'm guessing I'm just not that exclusive about it. I think the record for a fanfic I read was 5 different guys together but that was more out of curiosity because it existed and none of those people were together canonically obviously in that case.

I'm not sure how to do it. I used the example of lenses because it's like that you can just take them off and put them on so you read into subtext and things like that, but that's probably more useful if there's a particular ship you want to see as opposed to if you just have a really strong bond with a character and want them to be single. I guess you could see it like alternate universes as well. With Overwatch I guess you don't have that much info anyway they release cinematics now and then but it's not like an ongoing TV series or something.

Also like I said I don't usually get jealous with fictional/famous people.

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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2020, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the reply.

I was also trying to get into the fanfics too, mostly McHanzo and McGenji (basically most gay McCree ships) but I can't still accept the fact that blizzard (the owner of the character) can mess up our beloved character for their own fits as they can. and they're actually doing this right now with their upcoming lore.

I don't know how do you build your own world without caring for canon lores though? I wish I could do that but it still hurts. I'm so bond to them to the point I always dreaming about them in my sleep.
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McCree isn't even close to being straight, there is no mentioning about his sexuality. So at best I was seeing him as bi.
I guess you could still pretend he's bisexual and just dating a woman right now? (I mean you don't have to pretend if he's hypothetically bi that happens all the time.) I only played for a little while a few years ago so I don't really keep up with all the lore like I know who Ashe is but not a bunch of stuff probably.

Well sometimes if I like an existing cannon couple but want to ship someone with someone else I'll just ship them all together so I'm guessing I'm just not that exclusive about it. I think the record for a fanfic I read was 5 different guys together but that was more out of curiosity because it existed and none of those people were together canonically obviously in that case.

I'm not sure how to do it. I used the example of lenses because it's like that you can just take them off and put them on so you read into subtext and things like that, but that's probably more useful if there's a particular ship you want to see as opposed to if you just have a really strong bond with a character and want them to be single. I guess you could see it like alternate universes as well. With Overwatch I guess you don't have that much info anyway they release cinematics now and then but it's not like an ongoing TV series or something.

Also like I said I don't usually get jealous with fictional/famous people.
I mean I can't still get over the fact that they're vaguely in relationships, and there's no male counterpart relationship with him (yet). In the past or not I would be more than happy if he's in relationships with a male once.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2020, 11:35 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you for the wise read,

I feels like it's way harder now, maybe impossible. To go through all the things without him, it's feel like I'm a car but now I'm missing a fuel to go, to drive through all the bumpy roads.

But nonetheless that was very interesting reads! While I might be struggling to read and understand (I'm not a native English speaker) but still I did understand your quotes deeply.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2020, 12:02 PM
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I mean I can't still get over the fact that they're vaguely in relationships, and there's no male counterpart relationship with him (yet). In the past or not I would be more than happy if he's in relationships with a male once.
I guess you're just going to have to ignore the cannon somehow. Or I don't suppose you're attracted to Soldier 76 at all? He's canonically gay.

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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2020, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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I guess you're just going to have to ignore the cannon somehow. Or I don't suppose you're attracted to Soldier 76 at all? He's canonically gay.
I find him boring though, and with all typical dad jokes around him doesn't help either so.

But yeah the only way I can get out of this prison is to ignore the canon or stop thinking about him altogether
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2020, 01:43 PM
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I don't play games, but I used to get really emotional over some fictional characters in novels. I stopped reading Stephen King books because I emphasize too much with his characters.

I remember some years ago I would obsess over some of his (mostly obscure) books. I probably read the Long Walk hundreds of times within 2-3 years, and every time I experienced the same emotions over and over, mourned every kid that died and so on. (I was also obsessed with Roadwork for a while too).

Nothing really can change in the events, it's like living a nightmare over and over again. I never liked thinking outside or around or before or after the stories. I just focused on living the experience exactly the way it's written. I couldn't listen to the last couple of chapters without literally crying. It was bad.

I no longer read these depressive stories though, I like to read lighter books where empathy with the characters doesn't hurt me or make me upset as much. I still get easily attached to fictional characters though.

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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-12-2020, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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I don't play games, but I used to get really emotional over some fictional characters in novels. I stopped reading Stephen King books because I emphasize too much with his characters.

I remember some years ago I would obsess over some of his (mostly obscure) books. I probably read the Long Walk hundreds of times within 2-3 years, and every time I experienced the same emotions over and over, mourned every kid that died and so on. (I was also obsessed with Roadwork for a while too).

Nothing really can change in the events, it's like living a nightmare over and over again. I never liked thinking outside or around or before or after the stories. I just focused on living the experience exactly the way it's written. I couldn't listen to the last couple of chapters without literally crying. It was bad.

I no longer read these depressive stories though, I like to read lighter books where empathy with the characters doesn't hurt me or make me upset as much. I still get easily attached to fictional characters though.
Yeah I think one of the reason why I didn't finish playing RDR2 (another game I like and obsessed with the character, but not as much as McCree), I don't want to spoiled here but it did has the same fate as your book.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-13-2020, 06:20 AM
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I thinks this happens more often (since more people play and get addicted to video games) now but at its core is not a new thing. Mental illness (e.g. schizophrenia) often develops when a person inhabits an imaginary reality. Often it takes years for it to deteriorate. The person doesn't interact with reality in an authentic way (e.g. feeling and showing authentic emotion) and 'fakes' real life, whereby the imaginary reality gradually becomes impoverished (because it doesn't get 'fed' from any real-life feeling or experience). So even if you ignore the canon and create your own extension to your fantasy, it still could reach a bad end. It's lose-lose.

You have already identified that the fantasy has gotten out of hand and that you're even feeling suicidal over something that 'sounds stupid'. I think you're aware of what's going on. The next step is to leave the fantasy behind and find an authentic relationship with the real world. It's scary but it's the only way. Good therapy could help you with that.

(on a personal note, I've had various feelings for fictional characters - and damn, they can be strong)

Leonard Cohen (Bird on a Wire): I have tried in my own way to be free
Mrs Hudson (BBC Sherlock): Sherlock! The mess you've made!
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