Sometimes I feel as though I'm waiting for my family to die so that I may die. - Social Anxiety Forum
 
Thread Tools
post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 02:34 AM Thread Starter
Permanently Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: gulf coast. somewhere in there
Gender: Male
Age: 36
Posts: 545

Sometimes I feel as though I'm waiting for my family to die so that I may die.


I'm really a nice guy. I just happen to have too many problems. Physical flaws, mental flaws.

No religion to cling to. I've been a non-believer for so long, that I can't even begin to believe in anything other than what can be seen and felt.

I have such a capacity to love, but an inability to show it. I love my family so much, but I can't even say it to them convincingly.

I still have enormous feelings for my first love, who I have not seen much in 7 years. She is so far away now, I have no hope for a future w/ her. Thankfully, though, memories of her now make me happy that I got to experience whole-hearted love. She is just about the only thing that cheers me up when all else I can think of is how lonely I am.

I often think of various ways to die. I have too much love and respect for my family to even consider doing it while they are still around. However, my parents are getting older. They are becoming of age where you worry about their health. I really have no means to take care of them. I can barely take care of myself.

I have no health insurance. I live with my family. The wages I make are low, barely enough to keep myself alive if I had to go it alone. I see a counselor who is of no help because he has 0 experience with social anxiety. I see him because I can't afford to go anywhere else. I don't have the means to cover the costs.

I have 0 confidence in myself. I can't even begin to approach women in the interest of attraction and love.

I get along well with my coworkers, but I can sense that they don't want to be friends. Yes, they're very friendly at work, but I just have that feeling that they really don't want to get to know me. And why not? Who wants to like someone who doesn't like him/herself? I never get invited to parties in which they attend, even though I probably wouldn't go that often because I would be the odd one. It's happened once already. I would offer for them to hang out with me, but I don't have anything to offer. A quirky, uncomfortable semi-friendship? I don't think people are interested.

It's so hard to make friends. I moved to this new place about 9 months ago, and I have 0 friends. I know my old friends like me, but only to an extent. They understand me moreso than any new people I ever meet. Some of those old friends don't even talk to me much anymore. I guess they've felt abandoned by me. But it's so hard to make people understand that it's nothing personal. I live with this social anxiety hell and it affects almost every thing I do.

When I do drugs, which is not often anymore, I do them alone. I don't want to be around people solely because of anxiety it brings. I yearn for companionship, but I shy away from it, regardless of my mental state. I was offered some methadone or heroin recently being sold at a party. I was going to buy many of the methadone pills, but I said no to the heroin. That is one thing I've never tried and I stay away from. However, the longer I live in hell, the more appealing it sounds.

I could save that heroin or those pills. And in the future my parents will pass. I will be even lonelier. I know my brother can understand if I did off myself at some point. He has gone through many of the same problems I have when he was younger. HE is happily married now, a totally changed person, and I never get to see him anymore. My parents would be devastated though and I have too much respect for my family to put them through such pain.

I'm not improving from a social anxiety perspective. I am just learning how to deal with what I have. There is no end to it. There's no finish line and it's all over.

I've been wasting away for the past 10 years. I lack the confidence to do anything good with myself, to meet a girl to fall in love with. I'm not the same person as I was as a teen. It's just been downhill.

This is how I have felt almost daily for years. The SSRI I am taking now, even if it is a false satisfaction, has actually reduced these feelings of worthlessness to a point where they occur infrequently now. However, I never stop thinking about ways to kill myself.

One day, who knows when, I just may OD on some heroin, methadone, or something similar, and take a nice long dirt nap.

I wish I could live in my dreams. The me of my dreams is so unlike the real me. It's more the opposite. More outgoing, as I was as a child and young teen. No fears, no inhibitions.

If life is but a dream, it is a nightmare for me, and one that I can never seem to wake up from.

Honestly I believe that one of my biggest fears is that if one day I did kill myself, that I would just wake up back to being myself at some point in time.


I'm really sorry to rant like this. I've just become overwhelmed tonight with loneliness and feelings of helplessness. Its so sad too I have such a capacity to love, but social anxiety is the barbed fence holding me back; a net that's holding me captive. The older I get the more I feel that death may be the release I am seeking. Sometimes I wish I had a mental illness, such as schizophrenia, just so I would have more justification for killing myself. Meanwhile, I am just biding my time, emotionally all by my lonesome, just waiting for nothing really.

I would ask god to help me, but I just can't believe. I only believe in the possibility of a god. I don't truly believe of his existence. I am the one who can save myself, but how am I supposed to do that?


Thanks for listening. I'm glad there's others like me who really understand.
flapjacker is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 02:46 AM Thread Starter
Permanently Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: gulf coast. somewhere in there
Gender: Male
Age: 36
Posts: 545
I do feel a little relieved just by expressing my feelings here tonight. I have been unable to sleep, and some of the grief has passed now. I'm sure I'll feel 90% better when I wake up, but nights like these scare the sh*t out of me.
flapjacker is offline  
post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 03:11 AM
Hated by all females
 
Hypnotoad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Self imposed exile, desperate to get out
Gender: Male
Age: 38
Posts: 539
wow, that really makes me thing about myself, because most of that is almost exactly how I feel. And for the suicide - please don't do it. But I can't say I don't have those thoughts as well. I know how I'm going to do "it", and I know where I'm going to do "it"
I know every detail of my death. But I would never do that to my parents.

Hope u feel better in the morning

All glory to the Hypnotoad!
Hypnotoad is offline  
 
post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 03:14 AM
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 374
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hypnotoad View Post
Hope u feel better in the morning
yeah, sleep on it. it changes everything
I recall something i read once regarding suicide, a very important step; never act on impulse!
aviationboy is offline  
post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 03:21 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cage #1747
Gender: Male
Age: 34
Posts: 7,435
I don't have any answers Jeff, but yeah I've felt that way before. They seem to come and go with my depression. As much as I try to fantasize about things improving if/when I move out of here or start another degree (something I really like about this time) I kinda know that in the back of my mind my SA and my social situaiton will not really improve.

Could you seek help from your brother? Maybe live close to him/with him even?
mind_games is offline  
post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 03:29 AM
neither man nor beast
 
BildungsRoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: somewhere between the mud and the scum
Gender: Male
Age: 30
Posts: 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjacker View Post
nights like these scare the sh*t out of me.
the most miraculous thought of all, that of suicide, is surely helpful in getting one through such dismal nights.
BildungsRoman is offline  
post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 03:43 AM
ntl
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Gender: Male
Age: 35
Posts: 122
Quote:
Originally Posted by aviationboy View Post
yeah, sleep on it. it changes everything
I recall something i read once regarding suicide, a very important step; never act on impulse!
second
ntl is offline  
post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 09:20 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ohio
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,128
Reading that kind of makes me angry at the way things are. I thought about this last night as I sat and stared for five hours in my car. There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who own it and those of us who are owned by it. We are owned. It is wiping its *** with us, and I don't know about you but I know that's how it's always going to be. It's a bitter pill to swallow, living life as such a loser.

I despise it, but at this point I guess I'm willing to put up with it for at least another year. It appears that the worst depression of the season is over (watch it come back this week now since I said that). It will strengthen again next spring, as it always does. Hell if it wasn't for Ohio State football and old country music, I would step out in front of a bus tomorrow.
Ohio Fatso is offline  
post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 09:38 AM
Chief Worrier
 
tigerlilly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,889
i know this probably doesn't help, but several studies have suggested that patients under 25 taking SSRIs are more likely to have suicidal feelings. it has something to do with the age at which your brain stops developing, i think.

i hope you feel better soon, and i'm sorry you feel so hopeless. you seem like a nice guy. the world needs more of those.
tigerlilly is offline  
post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 10:10 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Age: 32
Posts: 1,741
I can relate to most everything you posted, but especially the thread title. It's been years since I came to the thoughtful conclusion that my life is going to be impossible to enjoy, even if I put serious effort into bettering myself, and that going on for another 60+ years being bored, lonely and periodically depressed is not really worthwhile (albeit inevitable if I indeed live that long). Yet, the idea that I owe something to my family -- specifically, my parents, who still care greatly for me and worry about me constantly even though I only see them a few times a year -- has always kept these thoughts from getting too serious. So yeah, that part of your story really struck a chord in me.

How sick is it that I've actually thought countless times about how I'm doing some noble deed by staying alive to keep my parents happy? I'm not suicidal, yet I think if someone had offered me a magic pill that would instantly, painlessly end my life and remove all memories of my existence from everyone with whom I've ever crossed paths, I'd have been clawing it out of their hands on any given day since I was about 15.

Quote:
I'm not improving from a social anxiety perspective. I am just learning how to deal with what I have. There is no end to it. There's no finish line and it's all over.
Exactly. Some of us can improve as much as we have the capacity to, then focus on coping with where we are, but life still pretty much blows. My coping mechanism has always been to indulge in solo hobbies and try to forget about everyone else, but no matter how fascinated I am with whatever I'm doing, I find at the end of the day I'm still worrying about my lack of social interaction and ending up depressed again. If only there was some way to switch off that biological compulsion for human companionship, I think that would be a much better option for some of us here than to continue the exercise in futility that is assimilating into Western society as an anxious strong introvert.
anomalous is offline  
post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-12-2009, 10:21 AM
Space Cadet
 
Witan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Iowa
Gender: Male
Age: 33
Posts: 2,458
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjacker View Post
I often think of various ways to die. I have too much love and respect for my family to even consider doing it while they are still around. However, my parents are getting older. They are becoming of age where you worry about their health.
Wow, back in October I could have written this paragraph myself. Hell, when I think about the last sentence, even *today* I still worry about my parents' health. It was just about a month ago when I broke down crying to my mom because of it, even though my parents don't have anything life threatening at this point. You never know though....

So, as other people have mentioned, you're not alone. And hopefully that gives you some comfort. We SASers are all in the suck together.
Witan is offline  
post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 07-14-2009, 03:11 AM
Retired Enforcer
 
Amocholes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Resident Curmudgeon
Gender: Male
Age: 60
Posts: 19,110
Suicide
If you are currently thinking about killing yourself please seek help immediately: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
On the forums, suicide threats and the discussion of suicide is not permitted. On your personal blog, sharing your feelings is fine, but please do not share means or plans of suicide.

......
It is ironic, how often one comes across an atheist with a "holier than thou" attitude.
---Novius---
Amocholes is offline  
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
what would you feel if you would die today? Were General Discussion 49 09-01-2013 03:16 AM
I feel like I'm going to die Delicate Frustration 3 03-18-2010 06:47 PM
I feel like I'm about to die Delicate Coping With Social Anxiety 16 11-27-2009 12:00 AM
What happens when you die RubyTuesday Positive Thinking 1 08-21-2007 01:37 PM
Die cold/snow/ice rain. DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE. BeNice General Discussion 26 03-17-2007 09:24 PM

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome