Some little things that bug me (Warning: a little bit long)
I don't really have any friends and never really have, so because of this I have never gone out except to go to work.
So, we are moving house, which I can't wait for, its only about 5 miles away from where we are now but it is a better area. Anyway if I express the fact that I am excited about moving to my gran she will say something like "It doesnt make a difference to you... you never go out anyway"
I have my driving test on Friday, 3 days, and I said if I pass then the friday after I am going to the coast for the day... I was going to go with my brother, but i found out today that my mum told him not to go because she thinks I wont go on my own and she doesnt think I should go. This stressed me out. It's like my mum is trying to control my life, and she doesnt want me to do the things I want to do... she wants me to do what she wants me to do.
The other day I went to work and my mum was there at the same time, so we went in my car and I was going to drive back... when we got out of work the car wouldn't start, so I decided I was going to go back into work and get my change of clothes (that I have in my locker) and get the bus into town and go shopping... and then she shouted at me in front of everyone who was in the car park saying I had to go home and she would have walked home instead of phoning her dad to fetch her if I wasn't going to go... then she was literally dragging me to the car, so I had to go.
I went out one day and my mum rang me at 9.30pm and told me to get home... and I did go home but only because I wasn't in the mood for it to turn into an argument which it did... so anyway, I got home at 10pm and then at 11pm my younger brother rang and asked what time he had to be in and she told him 11.30pm... he is 15 years old... I am 18.
When I tell my mum or my dad what I want to do with my life (accountant, or travel agent, and one day have my own business) they always laugh and tell me I'm living in a fantasy world and it'll never happen.
My grandma told me I will never be successful in anything I do, and I will never leave home, and I will always be working in a dead end job.
Another thing that bugs me is I want to live on my own, so people can't control me anymore, I have recently been looking at flats, but the only problem is I don't talk to people... so how am I meant to live on my own... what about when someone phones or when someone knocks on the door? Also if I was going to live on my own, I would need a job with more hours, but again the problem is I don't talk, so who is going to hire me if I don't talk much? No-one. (even though if it is my job I do talk... I will talk the minimum amount I have to though, as long as I get my job done) So another option is my own business?... oh, but I can't do that either, because then I would need to apply for a loan and which bank is going to take an 18 year old who hardly talks (during the meeting) seriously... none of them.
And if the things that people (mum, dad, brothers, brothers friends, myself, grandma, grandad etc) say to me are true.... then I am never going to achieve anything, never going to get a good job, always be living with my parents... is life really worth it?
I mean at the moment I am existing... but I want to live.
And everything bad that happens in my life is because I don't talk to people, I can't be myself in front of people... I don't even talk to my parents much. I even used to run upstairs and hide when my gran came to visit. I don't know how I let myself get to how I am, but somehow I need to try and reverse it.
I suppose in the end... its me that bugs me.