So Sick of Everything

I'm so sick of everything in my life right now. I miss my ex girlfriend so much, it's been almost a year since we broke up or talked. I can't get her out of my head and still cry about her. Every other possible relationship since then has fizzled before it's even really started. I just turned 28 and I'm starting to wonder when I'm going to settle down and start a real life. I've worked at a coffee company for 8 years now, most of my adult life and I'm still not a manager. I get massive anxiety whenever I work for fear of doing something wrong. My friends think I'm a narcissist because I think everything is my fault.

I've been a writer since I was 7 years old, I've written more than I can remember, performed poetry locally and even optioned a screenplay to a production company in Arizona. In my early twenties I heard my teachers and producers all tell me one day I was going to be someone huge. I let relationships and my anxiety get in the way. I finally started on a good dose of Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Klonopin and was able to really get some work done on my first novel and even felt compelled to self-produce one of my short films I had written. Of course life happened and my best friend had to move in with me and I ended up spending over two thousand dollars basically building him a new life and I don't know when I'll see that again.

I had to file for bankruptcy and I can't even seem to get that right, my lawyer is still waiting on some papers and I'm just so situationally depressed I can't seem to get it done. Speaking of getting things done and being productive I have a massive amount of clothes I need to get rid of but can't seem to go through. And I started school again, this time online, just to finish my bachelor's and get my parents off my back but the classes are accelerated and I'm finding a hard time balancing everything and I don't want to do the assignments I want to just work on my book. I worry I have delusions of grandeur that I will be famous and successful because that's what everyone tells me.

This is the first time in nine years I'm alone for the holidays and it really bothers me. I'm worried about money. I can't seem to keep my place or my car clean. My best friend takes up a lot of my time, he's very high-maintenance. I find myself abusing Vicodin and Ativan when I just can't deal. My days off are often spent sleeping. I still haven't mailed in my taxes for last year even though I have them I just have to take them to the post office. I write a lot of poetry and my friends encouraged me to put it to music and rap. I've never really rapped before just slam poetry is the closest. I got a lot of positive reviews and then one old friend who always loved my writing basically told me it sucked and I took that criticism really hard.

I feel like I'm going to end up a homeless bum, I'll never find a girl I love who loves me, I'll never get to finish my book, I'm failing my classes. Everyone thinks I'm such a genius but I'm just so caught up in my own anxiety and depression and paranoid thoughts. There's this one girl I met and she and I have so much in common, we're the same age, we're both cinephiles and bookworms and we flirt all the time and everyone at my work thought she was into me and she told me to come visit her at her work and I come to find she's living with her boyfriend. We still text and talk but it's just like she seemed so perfect and she's already taken and what's worse is we have a connection. I just want to watch classic films and analyze them, read classic literature like Moby Dick or Hemingway and read criticism on it, study old psychology and philosophy, and theology and use this to write my book. But I understand the irony that it was school that introduced a lot of this to me, but a lot is self-taught and self-sought out as well. It's nights like this I want to just pack up and drive away from it all. I'm a nobody and might always be.

Wish I could offer advice but I am also in a bad place at the moment. I live in a miserable, depressing place that gets worse by the day (in the middle of a snow storm right now) and I want so badly to leave but so many reasons why I am unable. Some I can control, some I cannot. I have zero friends so I have no one to help me thru this or to talk with about it other than my therapist (who is about the only thing keeping me going right now).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah, the snow must be truly awful. I can't even imagine. Sometimes I want to just quit work, quit everything but I can't. My entire existence revolves around me showing up to my job. It's just a higher-level retail while I graduate and/or make a name for myself as a writer but it pays my rent, my groceries, my car bill, my phone bill, my insurance, my medications, doctors' visits, gas. It's my backbone but I feel like it's causing me so much anxiety so much of the time.

I want to kill myself I just can't be locked up again if I don't succeed. I don't want to deal with it, my job my school my responsibilities. I just want to get really high and **** the world. I'm thinking of breaking my arm or stabbing my leg. I'm just not happy at all.

It doesn't appear justified that you wrote that personally. I think youre being dramatic. I think you should calm down and stop being a doormat to your best friend.

a bit jealous, you sound interesting whereas I'm ****ing boring. but also seems for every good thing you got something negative going on. at least if you're a more volatile person things are more likely to change I guess.

but yeah life sucks, work is drudgery, etc etc. have to keep on doing it or do the ****ing terrible effort to change things.

Man, you sound so much like a (more successful) version of me when I was your age. Right down to the poetry reading, lol.

I'm mostly self-taught (I only have my hs diploma) but I've read a ton in psychology, philosophy, comparative religion, and literature (among other things). I'm also a writer (though a very unsuccessful one who's never written anything worth reading). Everyone's always told me how "smart" I am and they don't really understand why I'm failing so bad. (It's just about making good decisions, right? /s ) I definitely get the angst over knowing you need to do something and not being able to force yourself to do it. Story of my life. It's like I'm two people and one of me wants to fail.

I never went to a therapist when I was younger bc I was just too plain terrified to talk to anyone about my problems, and I'm at the point now where odds are pretty good I'll be homeless within the next year. And I'm probably never going to be in another relationship. Those have always been two of my biggest fears, and it looks like I'll get to enjoy both of them. You're a lot younger than I am, so you have a lot more time to turn your life around, so try not to give up hope. I wish I could tell you how to fix things, but I've never figured it out myself.

To be honest, this is the first time when I hear that if someone thinks that every problem is because of him/her is narcissist lol...

At least what I think, narcissists always just put themselves way above others and think they're superior and the best. Even though they aren't...