So Sick of Everything
I'm so sick of everything in my life right now. I miss my ex girlfriend so much, it's been almost a year since we broke up or talked. I can't get her out of my head and still cry about her. Every other possible relationship since then has fizzled before it's even really started. I just turned 28 and I'm starting to wonder when I'm going to settle down and start a real life. I've worked at a coffee company for 8 years now, most of my adult life and I'm still not a manager. I get massive anxiety whenever I work for fear of doing something wrong. My friends think I'm a narcissist because I think everything is my fault.
I've been a writer since I was 7 years old, I've written more than I can remember, performed poetry locally and even optioned a screenplay to a production company in Arizona. In my early twenties I heard my teachers and producers all tell me one day I was going to be someone huge. I let relationships and my anxiety get in the way. I finally started on a good dose of Wellbutrin, Lexapro and Klonopin and was able to really get some work done on my first novel and even felt compelled to self-produce one of my short films I had written. Of course life happened and my best friend had to move in with me and I ended up spending over two thousand dollars basically building him a new life and I don't know when I'll see that again.
I had to file for bankruptcy and I can't even seem to get that right, my lawyer is still waiting on some papers and I'm just so situationally depressed I can't seem to get it done. Speaking of getting things done and being productive I have a massive amount of clothes I need to get rid of but can't seem to go through. And I started school again, this time online, just to finish my bachelor's and get my parents off my back but the classes are accelerated and I'm finding a hard time balancing everything and I don't want to do the assignments I want to just work on my book. I worry I have delusions of grandeur that I will be famous and successful because that's what everyone tells me.
This is the first time in nine years I'm alone for the holidays and it really bothers me. I'm worried about money. I can't seem to keep my place or my car clean. My best friend takes up a lot of my time, he's very high-maintenance. I find myself abusing Vicodin and Ativan when I just can't deal. My days off are often spent sleeping. I still haven't mailed in my taxes for last year even though I have them I just have to take them to the post office. I write a lot of poetry and my friends encouraged me to put it to music and rap. I've never really rapped before just slam poetry is the closest. I got a lot of positive reviews and then one old friend who always loved my writing basically told me it sucked and I took that criticism really hard.
I feel like I'm going to end up a homeless bum, I'll never find a girl I love who loves me, I'll never get to finish my book, I'm failing my classes. Everyone thinks I'm such a genius but I'm just so caught up in my own anxiety and depression and paranoid thoughts. There's this one girl I met and she and I have so much in common, we're the same age, we're both cinephiles and bookworms and we flirt all the time and everyone at my work thought she was into me and she told me to come visit her at her work and I come to find she's living with her boyfriend. We still text and talk but it's just like she seemed so perfect and she's already taken and what's worse is we have a connection. I just want to watch classic films and analyze them, read classic literature like Moby Dick or Hemingway and read criticism on it, study old psychology and philosophy, and theology and use this to write my book. But I understand the irony that it was school that introduced a lot of this to me, but a lot is self-taught and self-sought out as well. It's nights like this I want to just pack up and drive away from it all. I'm a nobody and might always be.