So Ridiculously In Love I don't Know What To Do

I figured I'd give this a try because I just need somewhere to vent, I guess.

I guess one of the biggest things bugging me right now about my life is that I have a life where I SHOULD be happy and content. But at the same time it's full of sedentary indifference.

I guess I can start counting this from a little over 5 years ago. I was so desperate for work and ultimately hit my 30s and didn't really do anything with my life. I didn't waste my time out of indifference, but out of ignorance. I didn't really learn much about life, or work or skills, and there was a reason for this but that's a story for another day.

I did start work in an entry level corporate environment by pure luck. And the rest was history. It is a place where I learned a wealth of knowledge, because respected because of said knowledge, became a leader, started getting paid AMAZINGLY- at least better than ever before. It afforded me a place in a really nice neighborhood, my dream car. In my mind, I was never supposed to have any of these things. I am a respected person who people count on and look to for leadership and its so weird to me and probably will never stop being weird.

The catch here is that I get really depressive and have anxiety that nearly cripples me at times. Since working from home since March, I have not been coping with working from home well. I was not as introverted as I thought I was. So I have fallen into really ugly rhythms.

There are times where I just don't want to know the world exists- I get comfort out of eating out or ordering food delivery- then I just feel disappointed when I come to and realize that I ordered again like I told myself I wouldn't do. That's my first crutch.

Next, I have smoked way too much pot in the past few years. At first, I tried it as a means to help manage pain, but after a while, I realized that I wasn't smoking it to feel the highs. I do it so I don't have to feel the lows. And I do good sometimes- I might go a few weeks without doing it. But then I realize that maybe I go through spurts of not smoking because sometimes the connects around here are unreliable. This is my second crutch.

I fight everyday- maybe get up- walk around my neighborhood. Maybe do a few squats and just generally try to move. But sometimes the job takes it out of mentally. I get so drained that I just want to lay down, smoke out, and fall down a YouTube rabbit hole.

But the biggest thing that bothers me out of all of this is that about 3 years ago, I met the most A-M-A-Z-I-N-G woman that I have ever met in my life. I don't find the words colorful enough to describe how beautiful she is to me. I never met a woman and thought to myself "she is wife material". But that's exactly what I did when I got to know her. She came to my work, I trained her, and little by little I got to know the smartest and most gorgeous woman who has a specific humility that I imagine drives any man wild. I know that she drives me crazy and I can't stop thinking about her. She's the last thing I think of before I close my eyes, and the first thing I think about when I wake up.

We are friends. We talk and joke, and we truly talk about nerdy things, because she is fascinated with art and history, and books, and politics and films, and ANYTHING. This woman can talk about anything and I want to listen to it all. We've gone out a few times -to a museum, a taqueria, a Pho restaurant, breakfast, etc.
Early into meeting her, I told her that I think the world of her, and that I would love a chance to see her, romantically. She didn't reciprocate and that is ok. Although, I went home sick to my stomach for weeks and played catch with my ceiling while listening to music actually considering changing jobs haha

I don't know how, but she began to trust me again and we're back to being friends and it mortifies the ever-loving s- out of me because maybe this is all I will ever be. I'm sure this is all I'll ever be. I start to think irrational thoughts- like I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and get her to appreciate me haha

And this is where I start to hate myself because I am a monster. I know that I am. I get angry because no one is responsible for my depressive nature and atrocious shape but me. It makes me feel like I had years to prepare for her before we met, and I showed up to the challenge the monster that I am. I could sit here and lie to myself and say "Hey, you're a great guy! Anyone would be lucky to..." - and any other assortment of fake platitudes that we learn from movies and tv as kids, but the fact of the matter is that I'm not a hot guy. Maybe I could be wrong- but maybe not. If we get along so well, why did she deny me. Im willing to bet my looks had nothing to do with it.
But its not her fault. I'm a monster. And I know that I am. I try hard to work out and change. I do well sometimes. Sometimes the world wins and Im beaten to the point where I locate a dealer, get some grass, lay down and smoke until I'm incoherent. Then I eat something I know damn well I shouldn't have. Then I fight my way out of that rock bottom, begin to work out, do well, catch a beat down, buy weed, smoke, rinse, repeat.

She doesn't deserve that. And I, for one, am glad that she isn't involved with a pig like me. All the while, I am fighting to get better to try to become closer.

I have never felt so futile in my life.

Ok, I will have a go at this, from a few different angles...

You actually don't get comfort from it.

1. You get a lot more pain from it than you get happiness. The comfort from binge eating (which, tbh, ordering food likely is, calorie wise, irrespective of volume) definitely doesn't outweigh the long term guilt and self loathing you get from it. So you don't get comfort from it, when you balance out the long vs short term effects. Your issue is one of maximising the short term instead of the longer term. It's an impulse control thing.

2. It's even worse, because if you examine it, the happiness you do get is in the anticipation of the thing. Food is literally the ****tiest drug in that its dopaminergic effects mainly come from anticipation, as soon as you start eating, do you not think its a bit "eh, this wasn't worth it" then "I just quit my diet for this ****ty thing?".

This said, beating yourself up for doing it, will not help you, at all. It will make everything worse. I promise. So don't beat yourself up, but try to behave in ways that maximise your long term happiness and not short term.

Probably doesn't help the first crutch either. Munchies and all that.

You aren't going to like this, but she isn't that amazing. Nobody is. Not even me

She isn't though. What you are describing is someone you don't know yet, but you are filling in the blanks. Every single person has stuff about them that isn't perfect. Your problem here is not having many options. Its a problem I also struggle with, which is why I romanticise my less than perfect ex, despite having a ****ing 4 side A4 list of reasons why I was right to end the relationship. No woman is perfect. You need to accept this ASAP, because its directly feeding your misery, believe me. She wasn't / isn't perfect, she is imperfect in a whole bunch of ways which would become all to obvious if you actually ended up in a relationship with her.

As a slight aside, don't ever tell anyone this, if you want to pursue them romantically. Part of attraction is value, perceived value, as well as expectations. If you tell someone you think the world of them, you are thinking "they will be complimented and flattered and will be more likely to say yes". What actually happens is, you signal you are beneath them, value wise, and why would anyone choose someone below them in value? Since they would be looking for equal, or higher value. So you ask them out, then you build sexual tension, and ask them out again, and so forth. you don't actually ever tell them your feelings. Never tell someone your feelings. Ever. Unless you are in a relationship with them, and then I still wouldn't tbh lol.

You also signalled you have unrealistically high expectations of her. She is then thinking "****, he thinks I am amazing. I know what a catastrophic **** up I am, how much I struggle, but I like that someone thinks I am great, and wont ever live up to that high standard". Imagine how it feels if someone literally worships you, you get in a relationship with you, they learn all the ****ty things, and then they dump you. Because that can happen. Once you are in a relationship each person has equal power to end it, and cause rejection. Now you have placed yourself so far below her in value, she opens herself up to rejection from someone so far below them.

You know what happens when someone dumps you? You automatically (subconsciously) see them as higher value. Your brain does this. Do you see why you never ever artificially inflate someone when persuing them? Its literally guaranteeing a no.

Bit of a rant there,but if people don't understand this, they need to asap.

It absolutely isn't okay (well it is, anyone can reject anyone which is fine), but you just pretending it didn't happen isn't okay. And that you considered quitting your amazing job out of a kind of self flaggelation exercise, most definitely isn't ok. Chances are my friend, your value is higher than hers, you just think you have lower value.

Confused, how did you break her trust? You expressed an interest in her romantically, thats 1000% fine, its flattering. Unless there is more to the story.

You will only ever be friends with her. Almost guaranteed. Forget anything more.

In no way are you a monster, and please don't refer to yourself in that way. you absolutely aren't a monster. It sounds like you have a lot of **** going for you, just you don't believe it, which is the problem. You just have fallen into a very very easy trap to fall into, being depressed (incredibly easy), lonely (incredibly easy, and also stigmatised, though I have no idea why), and feeling unloveable (probably due to events in the past you had zero control over). You are absolutely NOT a monster.

There was more, but post count.

Important stuff i had to cut, but cba to fully reqrite:

1. Focus on self improvement for the next one. You said you had a long time to prepare, then start prepping now, for the next one.
2. Focus on self-compassion, and be kind to yourself, which involves looking out for long term you, and being a good self parent, which means getting yourself to do the things you don't want to, but are in your own best interest, without self criticism (I will save you time here, self criticism doesn't work for motivation)
3. Do 1 and 2 by investing some of your earnings in yourself, and in yours self improvement. Hire a good psychologist who has an understanding of CBT, CFT and ACT and maybe binge eating. Think about a life coach (though maybe later), and think about someone to keep you on track with diet and / or exercise. If you can afford it, do it, its the quickest way for you to reach your goals, and spending your money on yourself, and towards your self improvement is the best thing you can do right now.

With your job, it sounds like you are a natural, where you maybe weren't quite qualified, but completely overachieved which is amazing in a way. Getting a dream car and house will not solve everything, or really anything, but maybe attract superficial people who see you as a target with nice things. I smoked weed nonstop from say 1994-1997. It really did not affect me the right way. In the rare cases that someone smokes weed and is productive I guess i don't see a problem with it, but i still kinda do. When I smoked, depending on the strain of weed, i was either relaxed and in a heavenly place, or felt like i was in hell and claustrophobic, and freaking out. You would know better than me if it screws you up or if it relaxes you. I smoked weed maybe 3 times in the last 25 years, it is not for me. Weed may be legal in many places but it took me to places I didn't want to go, i always felt spacey and caged in and weird. If you have to smoke weed, i would do it regularly. It is the type of drug that if you do it every month or so, it has a very different effect, and not necessarily good. i had to quit smoking cigarettes in 2009, I was on the verge of emphysema. I then barely drank in 9 years because i only liked beer and it made me gain a ton of weight. Hard liquor to me is bad news, so I don't drink it anymore. Cigarettes and beer to ME are the only drugs or things you get a buzz from that i felt in control. As for that woman, look, yes you want her, but if you got her, that would lose it's excitement too. It is like the journey is greater than the destination, i really believe that. If i just wanted sex, i could have potentially found barfly trashy women but that is not what i wanted. i wanted one classy sexy funny woman, just so damn hard to find. If you are this crazy about her and desperately want her, i guess strategize a little about what to say or do, but don't drive yourself crazy. It sounds like you built her up so much in your head that you are obsessing, which i understand. Maybe just try to kiss her and put the moves on when the time is right, and if she resists completely, stop pursuing her. You need to know if she is or isn't into you, and you may as well find out soon. you have a house and a flashy car and make good money, even if you are a monster, which i believe i am a monster myself, you can find other women. You have to remember, even if you did get her, which you still might, the more involved you get with someone, the more complicated things get, just a fact of life