Ok, I will have a go at this, from a few different angles...
Originally Posted by Waldo P Schmeer
The catch here is that I get really depressive and have anxiety that nearly cripples me at times. Since working from home since March, I have not been coping with working from home well. I was not as introverted as I thought I was. So I have fallen into really ugly rhythms.
There are times where I just don't want to know the world exists- I get comfort out of eating out or ordering food delivery- then I just feel disappointed when I come to and realize that I ordered again like I told myself I wouldn't do. That's my first crutch.
You actually don't get comfort from it.
1. You get a lot more pain from it than you get happiness. The comfort from binge eating (which, tbh, ordering food likely is, calorie wise, irrespective of volume) definitely doesn't outweigh the long term guilt and self loathing you get from it. So you don't get comfort from it, when you balance out the long vs short term effects. Your issue is one of maximising the short term instead of the longer term. It's an impulse control thing.
2. It's even worse, because if you examine it, the happiness you do get is in the anticipation of the thing. Food is literally the ****tiest drug in that its dopaminergic effects mainly come from anticipation, as soon as you start eating, do you not think its a bit "eh, this wasn't worth it" then "I just quit my diet for this ****ty thing?".
This said, beating yourself up for doing it, will not help you, at all. It will make everything worse. I promise. So don't beat yourself up, but try to behave in ways that maximise your long term happiness and not short term.
Originally Posted by Waldo P Schmeer
Next, I have smoked way too much pot in the past few years. At first, I tried it as a means to help manage pain, but after a while, I realized that I wasn't smoking it to feel the highs. I do it so I don't have to feel the lows. And I do good sometimes- I might go a few weeks without doing it. But then I realize that maybe I go through spurts of not smoking because sometimes the connects around here are unreliable. This is my second crutch.
Probably doesn't help the first crutch either. Munchies and all that.
Originally Posted by Waldo P Schmeer
But the biggest thing that bothers me out of all of this is that about 3 years ago, I met the most A-M-A-Z-I-N-G woman that I have ever met in my life. I don't find the words colorful enough to describe how beautiful she is to me. I never met a woman and thought to myself "she is wife material". But that's exactly what I did when I got to know her. She came to my work, I trained her, and little by little I got to know the smartest and most gorgeous woman who has a specific humility that I imagine drives any man wild. I know that she drives me crazy and I can't stop thinking about her. She's the last thing I think of before I close my eyes, and the first thing I think about when I wake up.
We are friends. We talk and joke, and we truly talk about nerdy things, because she is fascinated with art and history, and books, and politics and films, and ANYTHING. This woman can talk about anything and I want to listen to it all. We've gone out a few times -to a museum, a taqueria, a Pho restaurant, breakfast, etc.
You aren't going to like this, but she isn't that amazing. Nobody is. Not even me
She isn't though. What you are describing is someone you don't know yet, but you are filling in the blanks. Every single person has stuff about them that isn't perfect. Your problem here is not having many options. Its a problem I also struggle with, which is why I romanticise my less than perfect ex, despite having a ****ing 4 side A4 list of reasons why I was right to end the relationship. No woman is perfect. You need to accept this ASAP, because its directly feeding your misery, believe me. She wasn't / isn't perfect, she is imperfect in a whole bunch of ways which would become all to obvious if you actually ended up in a relationship with her.
Early into meeting her, I told her that I think the world of her,
As a slight aside, don't ever tell anyone this, if you want to pursue them romantically. Part of attraction is value, perceived value, as well as expectations. If you tell someone you think the world of them, you are thinking "they will be complimented and flattered and will be more likely to say yes". What actually happens is, you signal you are beneath them, value wise, and why would anyone choose someone below them in value? Since they would be looking for equal, or higher value. So you ask them out, then you build sexual tension, and ask them out again, and so forth. you don't actually ever tell them your feelings. Never tell someone your feelings. Ever. Unless you are in a relationship with them, and then I still wouldn't tbh lol.
You also signalled you have unrealistically high expectations of her. She is then thinking "****, he thinks I am amazing. I know what a catastrophic **** up I am, how much I struggle, but I like that someone thinks I am great, and wont ever live up to that high standard". Imagine how it feels if someone literally worships you, you get in a relationship with you, they learn all the ****ty things, and then they dump you. Because that can happen. Once you are in a relationship each person has equal power to end it, and cause rejection. Now you have placed yourself so far below her in value, she opens herself up to rejection from someone so far below them.
You know what happens when someone dumps you? You automatically (subconsciously) see them as higher value. Your brain does this. Do you see why you never ever artificially inflate someone when persuing them? Its literally guaranteeing a no.
Bit of a rant there,but if people don't understand this, they need to asap.
She didn't reciprocate and that is ok. Although, I went home sick to my stomach for weeks and played catch with my ceiling while listening to music actually considering changing jobs haha
It absolutely isn't okay (well it is, anyone can reject anyone which is fine), but you just pretending it didn't happen isn't okay. And that you considered quitting your amazing job out of a kind of self flaggelation exercise, most definitely isn't ok. Chances are my friend, your value is higher than hers, you just think you have lower value.
I don't know how, but she began to trust me again
Confused, how did you break her trust? You expressed an interest in her romantically, thats 1000% fine, its flattering. Unless there is more to the story.
and we're back to being friends and it mortifies the ever-loving s- out of me because maybe this is all I will ever be. I'm sure this is all I'll ever be. I start to think irrational thoughts- like I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and get her to appreciate me haha
You will only ever
be friends with her. Almost guaranteed. Forget anything more.
And this is where I start to hate myself because I am a monster. I know that I am.
In no way are you a monster, and please don't refer to yourself in that way. you absolutely aren't a monster. It sounds like you have a lot of **** going for you, just you don't believe it, which is the problem. You just have fallen into a very very easy trap to fall into, being depressed (incredibly easy), lonely (incredibly easy, and also stigmatised, though I have no idea why), and feeling unloveable (probably due to events in the past you had zero control over). You are absolutely NOT a monster.
There was more, but post count.