Smile!!!!!!! - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 05:31 AM Thread Starter
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Smile!!!!!!!


I had this manager who hated that I didn't smile much, even though he never smiled. He decided to publicly humiliate me in the breakroom, followed by a command to smile at my own humiliation. I stopped eating in the breakroom. This only helped for a little while because he was soon ridiculing me for other reasons. So, I put in my two weeks notice. (It wasn't a customer service job and I smiled when I had good reason to smile)

At another point in time, a teacher berated me in front of the whole class for "thinking I'm better than other people" because I didn't talk much.

These are two examples of many instances of basically bullies trying to get me to do what they want me to do in an immature way. If they actually respected me, they would have maturely asked me in private why I'm not smiling more, what my problem is, or why I'm not talking more. Instead, they immaturely employ humiliation to pressure me into doing what they want me to do.

Does this approach work with any of you? It sure as hell doesn't work with me. When people presume to know my intentions -- and, not only presume to know my intentions, but insultingly presume my intentions are negative -- I want to get as far away from them as possible.

It's not that I think I'm better than them because I'm not. It's because they're incredibly rude and disrespectful. Why would I want to interact with people if I'm going to be humiliated, picked on, harassed, etc.?

If I'm just going to be laughed at and humiliated for being myself, then I'd rather be myself in isolation. I'm not going to dissemble to placate some bully. I'm sure as hell not going to "improve" my behavior when the method of punishment is some form of bullying. If the punishment or advice or whatever is fair and mature, then I'll respond favorably to it. If it's just some bully getting off on their power, it's probably going to make me want to escape.

They get pissed off if they realize they're bullying me, too. They want to bully with impunity. They get off on it apparently. It's all so frustrating and depressing.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 11:13 AM
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I feel like a person's personality will kinda affect how they act towards others. I have a relative who always cracks jokes and does things at inappropriate times but doesn't seem bothered by it or even know he's doing it. Other times people like to ostracize others so that their own flaws aren't as visible when people are busy cracking on others. I kinda went through the same thing growing up and the best thing to do is just no acknowledge or just laugh it off with a joke.

"You need to smile more!"
"I'll smile more once you pay me an extra $5 dollars an hour *wink wink*"

"You think you're better than other people!?"
"Maybe murderers and thieves, but not you guys...lol"

I've found that if you show the person talking down to you that it bothers you then they'll keep coming back and doing it.

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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 12:04 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by iminnocentenough View Post
I feel like a person's personality will kinda affect how they act towards others. I have a relative who always cracks jokes and does things at inappropriate times but doesn't seem bothered by it or even know he's doing it. Other times people like to ostracize others so that their own flaws aren't as visible when people are busy cracking on others. I kinda went through the same thing growing up and the best thing to do is just no acknowledge or just laugh it off with a joke.

"You need to smile more!"
"I'll smile more once you pay me an extra $5 dollars an hour *wink wink*"

"You think you're better than other people!?"
"Maybe murderers and thieves, but not you guys...lol"

I've found that if you show the person talking down to you that it bothers you then they'll keep coming back and doing it.

It's so strange to me that I'm supposed to forgive others because their actions are determined by their personalities, yet that same courtesy isn't extended to me. Instead, I'm supposed to dissemble or pretend to have a different personality or drug myself so that people who are harassing me will supposedly stop (they frequently don't). Ignoring them, joking about it, owning it, self-deprecation, and the like, frequently don't work. Some people just enjoy harassing others. Some people, as determined by their personalities, enjoy hurting others.

I'll forgive them for my own sanity, but that doesn't mean I should have to put up with it. And if HR and management won't do anything about it, then it's best for my mental health if I leave.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by CringeMaster View Post
It's so strange to me that I'm supposed to forgive others because their actions are determined by their personalities, yet that same courtesy isn't extended to me. Instead, I'm supposed to dissemble or pretend to have a different personality or drug myself so that people who are harassing me will supposedly stop (they frequently don't). Ignoring them, joking about it, owning it, self-deprecation, and the like, frequently don't work. Some people just enjoy harassing others. Some people, as determined by their personalities, enjoy hurting others.

I'll forgive them for my own sanity, but that doesn't mean I should have to put up with it. And if HR and management won't do anything about it, then it's best for my mental health if I leave.
You'll always run into people like that no matter if you run away or not.

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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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You'll always run into people like that no matter if you run away or not.

If I stay even though HR or management won't do anything about it, I'll just be brainwashed by their repetitive abuse. Staying in a toxic environment after efforts to change it via fighting it fail is foolish.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by CringeMaster View Post
If I stay even though HR or management won't do anything about it, I'll just be brainwashed by their repetitive abuse. Staying in a toxic environment after efforts to change it via fighting it fail is foolish.
I'm not telling you to stay. Just trying to tell you that running isn't always the best solution

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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 01:39 PM Thread Starter
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I'm not telling you to stay. Just trying to tell you that running isn't always the best solution

I prefer to view it as moving onto more supportive circumstances. I think framing it in terms of running away can be a manipulative device to keep the bullied stuck in the mire of a toxic hierarchy.

And, yeah, leaving isn't always best. Sometimes other methods stop the abuse. Sometimes they don't.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2019, 03:01 PM
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Didn't you know ? Bad things don't happen to good people, the world is perfect, there's no reason to not smile.







And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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