Self-discipline toward being single - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Gender: Male
Age: 29
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Self-discipline toward being single

What's really making most of us miserable is the lack of a relationship, which 1. Is very difficult to get a match you want because of social impairment and 2. We overrate relationships, 95% of people do. Friggn Greek philosophers wrote about how we hold relationships up to such a high standard far above reality

IMO this is why some of us should consider practicing self-discipline to the point of repressing that desire. I've 'accidentally' gone down that road myself and figured out some things that work.

So you might be thinking about Japanese people, that stuff in the news about how they have dolls for wives now and fantasy relationships, VR porn, etc. And they've stopped pursuing real girls. Now to me that doesn't work.

That's still prodding the desire for a relationship, just numbing and teasing it until it's 'kind of satisfied.' Same thing with 99% porn and masturbation. You're just agitating that need to be with someone! At the same time, you're watching very convincing fantasies of out of this world sex. It's agitating.

If you can smile at a really beautiful girl and mean it, like she's not a potential sexual partner but just someone very feminine and beautiful who you're admiring, then you know you've made real progress. The guilt and agitation of porn and masturbation has to be managed.

So what does work is going to the gym and working out, then after a week of abstinence, it feels normal to, well, masturbate, and too much guilt and agitation won't creep in if you make sure to stay away from deviant stimulation. There's plenty of porn on the internet that portrays two people who are in an actual relationship and it actually appears to be healthy and based on an emotional attraction to each other.

Nothing is agitating about watching that, especially when you've just worked out and you feel like you've accomplished something and you're physically hyped up.

And then you get to the point when you can see people in good relationships and feel happy for them. And you see people in bad relationships and feel a bit of self-satisfaction that you're not mixed up in that **** and spending your time on better things, because that self-discipline translates into your work life and everything else..

Relationships have to be knocked off the throne of your life, and that applies whether you're good at finding relationships or not! Anyway that's my experience coping with prolonged singleness.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 03:10 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Cheshire, UK
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Age: 34
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Hi @modus . An excellent post.

Cutting a long story short, I'm a 30 year old dateless virgin - so indeed, finding a match from a personal perspective has proven to be a step too far for me. It's not a case that I can attract any female attention either. I can't. Even that initial hurdle has proven too difficult to get over and I feel like unless I wear a neon coat and set myself on fire, they wonít even bat an eyelid in my direction. I've done all I can within the limits of my anxiety and obviously, I'm either not attractive or my subtle hints simply haven't been read. I strongly suspect it's both.

Obviously, I can't comment on whether relationships are overrated or not. I have absolutely no experience on them to comment. All I can say on the matter is that there seems to be huge social pressure once you get over a certain age to get yourself involved. This, I feel, is wrong. It not only puts you under pressure to find someone who may not be suitable and in our case, make our SA even worse. We know we have great difficulty with regards to being attractive to members of the opposite sex, but when others probe you and question why you can't get anywhere, you're accused of being gay. I've personally been a victim of this several times and it's made my shy-away from several former friends. It seems you can't be unlucky, overlooked and ignored. You must either be a homosexual or there's something seriously wrong with you. Again, this only heightens your SA... Rather than society dropping pressures and unofficial races to get a relationship (plus all the trimmings that follow), we're made to feel as though we must comply or be outcasted even further from society than we already feel. Sadly, whatever medical advice you listen to, we cannot possibly control this or 'fix' this all by ourselves. Other people have to play their part in helping too.

If you've read any of my posts in recent months, I've stated I've now 'given up' along this road to finding love. I feel I've done what I can and over the last five years I know I've pushed myself way out of my comfort zone. None of which has helped and has simply produced the same old negative results. I can't go on spending the rest of my life searching for the 'holy grail' thatís a female partner when I've seen everyone else around me get one for over a decade with ease. Sadly, many years of upset and frustration in witnessing this has developed into genuine anger and resentment. I honestly feel it's too late for me to start along this road as I've spent to many years (14 and counting) having been 'starved' of any relationship experience. It would be a heck of a change to my lifestyle and honestly, I don't think I'd be able to learn how to cope with it now. My youth has gone, my hair is disappearing and I think any slim chance I had has basically dried up altogether. I feel totally and utterly cheated. I don't know how many more years some people expect men like us to keep on trying and failing... When can we satisfy them that it really is too late for us and that keeping on upsetting ourselves by failing isn't doing us any good. It doesn't create confidence and it certainly doesnít create further motivation.

I'm currently trying to find happiness in being single, with the intention to remain single. Look at it this way. Imagine if I got a girlfriend tomorrow. I have an immediate 14 year 'stunt' over just about every other man of my age. That's another stigma I'd have to live with. Having to constantly play 'catch up' as again, society expects you to have achieved certain things at certain ages. I'll always be the one considered 'behind' everyone else. No thanks. I'm studying what can go wrong in a relationship, taking 'Red Pill' advice and basically anything else that encourages a single lifestyle rather than one saddled together with someone who perhaps takes advantage of you. I need to try and become a more independent and resilient person to the usual negative social attitudes and stigmas held against men like us who are simply (and always) overlooked when it comes to finding love.

"My life is an endless purgatory, interrupted by profound moments of misery"

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