SA in uni: people not being understandable - Social Anxiety Forum
 
Thread Tools
post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-30-2019, 06:08 AM Thread Starter
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 11

SA in uni: people not being understandable


I am so tired of people always expecting everyone to be outgoing and extravert. Right now I’m doing a criminology major and theres a lot of discussions. Coming from high school where I literally never talked at all, talking once every class now are amazing steps for me. However, everyone else talks WAY more and is super outgoing. The teachers keep telling me im too quiet and need to talk more. Yesterday my teacher said that in front of all students and I felt so embarassed.
Today I talked with the counciler and told her about my anxiety. I didnt like her reaction at all. She was like we can not make exceptions for you, in this course u need those skills so u need to talk. She then asked me if I was in therapy, i told her ive been in therapy for years but felt like it wasnt helping. She told me to go in therapy again bc I cant live like this and need to work on my future.
I’m feeling so sad. Why are they like this and ugh im so tired of it. I really feel like my social anxiety will never go away no matter how much I try. My grades at uni are really good but I keep getting judged over the fact that I dont talk as much as others do.
No one seems to understand how exhausting and hard it is to live like this. I wanna talk so bad, but I just can’t...
rosaliesa is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-30-2019, 09:20 PM
SAS Member
 
prettyroses's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Age: 29
Posts: 135
My Mood: Breezy
Oh my gosh I just read this after I posted on here. I wrote almost the same exact thing as you! I 10000% understand and agree with you. You are not alone.

Sent from my SM-J737VPP using Tapatalk
prettyroses is offline  
post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-30-2019, 09:27 PM
SAS Member
 
prettyroses's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Age: 29
Posts: 135
My Mood: Breezy
Wow your teacher was very short with you and not understanding at all. People always want someone else to change, when they fail to realize everyone is different. Instead of lashing out on you, she could have tried to see what she could do to help you since talking in public is a requirement. Furthermore, her calling you out in front of everyone is not going to make your quietness go away, it's only going to make it worse! So what was the point of all that?

Sent from my SM-J737VPP using Tapatalk
prettyroses is offline  
 
post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-30-2019, 09:46 PM
pirate
 
andy1984's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: chch
Language: english, silence
Gender: Non-binary
Age: 34
Posts: 5,716
My Mood: Amazed
yeah my experience with a university counselor was really like talking to someone else's mum. not really having the level of understanding that was needed. utter failure.



its unfortunate that your teachers are asking you to learn something that they aren't equipped to teach. but yeah you have to meet the course requirements as best as you can. there is always that one communications paper or whatever that will be tough but doable.


my tertiary study came with a bunch of instances of abuse/stupidity in the guise of teaching as well. i mean yes, i haven't made any career progress because of my anxiety stuff. it is definitely a problem. but they could just keep their opinions to themselves if they don't know how to fix the problem. its beating a dead horse. all they do is judge and grade and fail to treat people as a human being.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
―Balon Greyjoy
andy1984 is online now  
post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-30-2019, 10:13 PM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 554
If your grades are good, on a basic level, that can be overcome in the long run. Just don't let your grades slip. If you succeed and don't step on people's toes, in the end all they can say is, "she did her job, she was the shy quiet girl but she got the job done" That is not that bad of a reputation to have. All you can do is not care about them judging you for being quiet. If you get good grades and contribute in other ways, they MUST look at you positively, and then as a sidenote will think, "She was great in many ways just shy" Who cares, as long as you make a positive impact, who even cares if you are labeled as quiet
Disheveled and Lost is offline  
post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-01-2019, 02:07 AM Thread Starter
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Disheveled and Lost View Post
If your grades are good, on a basic level, that can be overcome in the long run. Just don't let your grades slip. If you succeed and don't step on people's toes, in the end all they can say is, "she did her job, she was the shy quiet girl but she got the job done" That is not that bad of a reputation to have. All you can do is not care about them judging you for being quiet. If you get good grades and contribute in other ways, they MUST look at you positively, and then as a sidenote will think, "She was great in many ways just shy" Who cares, as long as you make a positive impact, who even cares if you are labeled as quiet
Yeah I totally agree. Who cares if you are quiet? Why is it considered to be bad? Lately ive been working on just accepting this. But whenever I get called out for it and get told to talk more I feel judged again and just takes all my progress away lol
rosaliesa is offline  
post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-01-2019, 02:27 AM
SAS Member
 
Raies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Up North
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Posts: 1,236
My Mood: Fine
If you're studying something that requires you to talk, you can't really do it without.. Well.. Talking.

They wouldn't be doing you or anyone else any favors by letting you just slip.

I'm taking up studies that will allow me to become a teacher, and I've also taught some kids classes, and while I am quiet and very uncomfortable talking even there (or taking the role of some sort of authority figure), I understand that it is what I need to do for my work, and if I don't practice it it isn't going to happen magically with a snap of the fingers.

You could try talking to your teacher that you are suffering from sa and really dread being told about being quiet in front of the class. However, if, as by the description you gave, it isn't about singling you out, but about encouraging you to participate.

"If you need a safe space, see a therapist" - Jordan Peterson
Raies is offline  
post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-01-2019, 09:09 PM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 554
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosaliesa View Post
Yeah I totally agree. Who cares if you are quiet? Why is it considered to be bad? Lately ive been working on just accepting this. But whenever I get called out for it and get told to talk more I feel judged again and just takes all my progress away lol
Maybe deep down you are not even "quiet," why label yourself as quiet. Maybe you convinced yourself that you are quiet and are that way and can't break the cycle. Maybe you are really outgoing deep down, but you can't break out of your shell. I never had friends through childhood and high school really, and i met a friend and went to like 500 games with him and got drunk and had fun and i was loud, aggressive, I dated women out of my league. People always thought I was quiet. I wasn't really, I just had no outlet to be talkative. That friend ditched me about 8 years ago and I have been alone since then but my point is, I would not relegate or restrict yourself into the corner of "quiet one" you are just limiting yourself. If you want to be quiet forever, that is fine, everything has it's upsides and downsides, if you become outgoing and talkative, that isn't a long term solution to anyone's problems anyway
Disheveled and Lost is offline  
post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-05-2019, 11:22 PM
MAGA
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,236
Getting through college was a big problem for me. I had to go to a commuter college combined with some community college courses transferred. Some courses I had to retake. Or occasionally the professor had to reassign me with lab partners who were not *******s. Or even a ***** of a teacher who scolded me for being shy. Dropped her course (statistics), and took the course again from a different far saner person years later where I actually felt I learned something. I had to struggle through it mostly alone. A rare few students I worked ok with, but of course were not friends outside of campus. A few students hated me, and I had to do drastic measures such as drop the course and retake it later, or move to another section of the classroom to stop the bully from mentally harassing me. Didn't have any friends leftover when I graduated. It can be done for a social phobic with a lot of hassle and tenacity in the end, where I just got through it with the paper, and pretty much a failure of a supposed college social life. So I just moved on from it with no ties back. Life is short enough anyways and "school" and most public institutions are hardly the paragons seemed as indoctrinated through k-12.
railcar82594 is offline  
post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-07-2019, 12:21 AM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 554
Quote:
Originally Posted by railcar82594 View Post
Getting through college was a big problem for me. I had to go to a commuter college combined with some community college courses transferred. Some courses I had to retake. Or occasionally the professor had to reassign me with lab partners who were not *******s. Or even a ***** of a teacher who scolded me for being shy. Dropped her course (statistics), and took the course again from a different far saner person years later where I actually felt I learned something. I had to struggle through it mostly alone. A rare few students I worked ok with, but of course were not friends outside of campus. A few students hated me, and I had to do drastic measures such as drop the course and retake it later, or move to another section of the classroom to stop the bully from mentally harassing me. Didn't have any friends leftover when I graduated. It can be done for a social phobic with a lot of hassle and tenacity in the end, where I just got through it with the paper, and pretty much a failure of a supposed college social life. So I just moved on from it with no ties back. Life is short enough anyways and "school" and most public institutions are hardly the paragons seemed as indoctrinated through k-12.
My rant on college, social phobia and bullying. I think college is mostly an extension of high school. High school is a huge competition and you are either this or that in high school. You are a cool kid, or a jock, or a nerd or an artist writer weird creative kid or a musician etc. College kids i think have more of an air of some type of supposed maturity where you can be left alone a lot more. I didn't last long in college, just one semester. I think in high school you can get away with being a freak or loser and not yet care because you are so young. In college, I would guess looking back maybe a 5th of the school was having wild crazy sex parties every weekend with a million different people, so if you are playing video games all the time and not dating anyone, it can be more maddening and depressing than in high school. In high school you can almost get away with not having sex because in a way you are too young to anyway.
In high school if you are a great athlete, you might get a little recognition but no one really cares. In college, if you are a great athlete, you will be turning down tons of girls AND getting autograph requests, plus they could think if you go pro you will be a millionaire and want to marry you.

There are varying degrees, there were outcasts and loners in college who people left alone, and high school, but this was very rare. The kids or students who were loners and left alone always seemed to have some relationship with the cool kids and be cool with them. If you have no ability to befriend or have relationships with anyone, it is basically open season to get bullied because how do you fight back? Not even the nerds have your back, I mean, that is why it is crucial to make friends, even fake friends, just for your reputation and then you are left alone
Disheveled and Lost is offline  
post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 11:56 AM
MAGA
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Disheveled and Lost View Post
There are varying degrees, there were outcasts and loners in college who people left alone, and high school, but this was very rare. The kids or students who were loners and left alone always seemed to have some relationship with the cool kids and be cool with them. If you have no ability to befriend or have relationships with anyone, it is basically open season to get bullied because how do you fight back? Not even the nerds have your back, I mean, that is why it is crucial to make friends, even fake friends, just for your reputation and then you are left alone
There's more nonsense and probably hs-like politics going on in the freshman and gen-ed classes when all types are students are mixed together. But in a commuter school, or less cliquish colleges in general, like in a decent big metro area, there can be students from many places, not just the same local high schools. It gets better after the first two years of classes as many are weeded out and the serious students are left in the major and they are more likely not the type to go around bullying as a way of student life plus seeing the same faces in continuing major classes. I'd already mentioned how I got through or past bullies, and fortunately there weren't that many, with more in the community college than the commuter university, and if there were humiliation experiences, I would just try to bear through it, sit another side of the class, etc., or at worst drop the class and take it again later in another section and hope for not encountering new idiots. I would try to be pretend to be amiable in classes if I had to chat something up in a forced situation, so I could at least say some words about the current schoolwork, and maybe it helped that it was a stem major and we mostly were all nerd spectrum, but there was no friend-like relations after the classes were over nor did I hang around with students for hangout sessions in hallways, classrooms etc. before or after classes. And fortunately, most all of them were cool about it and left me alone. And I recall I wasn't the only one that wasn't sociable. Not saying this is for everyone and it may be harder for loner girls. I was just there to finish the major while often depressed but determined to go through it, and not really caring about a social life or getting laid or a gf then.
railcar82594 is offline  
post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 12:21 PM
experimental sincerity
 
rabidfoxes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 774
The treatment you're getting is crap and unfair. The whole "special treatment" chat is basically them saying "we don't care about you, or anyone, hand over the money and then sink or swim". You are not doing a degree in public speaking and even if you were, there should be a degree of understanding and reasonable adjusting to your condition (on behalf of the tutors). Education, at least in theory, is about promoting learning, and that doesn't happen if the institution shows zero interest in working around various difficulties that students might have.

In short: *******s.

Leonard Cohen (Bird on a Wire): I have tried in my own way to be free
Mrs Hudson (BBC Sherlock): Sherlock! The mess you've made!
rabidfoxes is offline  
post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 01:58 PM
SAS Member
 
WillYouStopDave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Gender: Male
Age: 45
Posts: 26,923
My Mood: Relaxed
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosaliesa View Post
I am so tired of people always expecting everyone to be outgoing and extravert. Right now I’m doing a criminology major and theres a lot of discussions. Coming from high school where I literally never talked at all, talking once every class now are amazing steps for me. However, everyone else talks WAY more and is super outgoing. The teachers keep telling me im too quiet and need to talk more. Yesterday my teacher said that in front of all students and I felt so embarassed.
Today I talked with the counciler and told her about my anxiety. I didnt like her reaction at all. She was like we can not make exceptions for you, in this course u need those skills so u need to talk. She then asked me if I was in therapy, i told her ive been in therapy for years but felt like it wasnt helping. She told me to go in therapy again bc I cant live like this and need to work on my future.
I’m feeling so sad. Why are they like this and ugh im so tired of it. I really feel like my social anxiety will never go away no matter how much I try. My grades at uni are really good but I keep getting judged over the fact that I dont talk as much as others do.
No one seems to understand how exhausting and hard it is to live like this. I wanna talk so bad, but I just can’t...
Yep. It's pretty frustrating when you are trying to talk to someone about things you're not comfortable talking about anyway and it just bounces right off of them.

TBH, it is her job though. She isn't allowed to change the rules even if she wanted to. You would probably have to go over her head and over the next person's head and work your way up until you talk to someone who can actually do something about it. And it's very likely they've preemptively taken steps to make that not possible (or very unlikely to be successful).

But....there is probably always a way. Often the people who can actually do something are well insulated from the effects of their decisions and don't have to actually see or talk to the people they affect.

If it makes you feel any better, this person is obviously limited in what they can actually do. But people don't really try to understand sometimes. They're just set in their ways and can't see things from someone else's POV because they've either never been there or they found something that worked for them so they think it will work for everyone (that kind of mentality honestly kind of pisses me off, TBH).

------------

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established." - Carlin
WillYouStopDave is online now  
post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-09-2019, 09:03 PM
SAS Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 554
Quote:
Originally Posted by railcar82594 View Post
T I would try to be pretend to be amiable in classes if I had to chat something up in a forced situation, so I could at least say some words about the current schoolwork, and maybe it helped that it was a stem major and we mostly were all nerd spectrum, but there was no friend-like relations after the classes were over nor did I hang around with students for hangout sessions in hallways, classrooms etc. before or after classes. And fortunately, most all of them were cool about it and left me alone. And I recall I wasn't the only one that wasn't sociable. Not saying this is for everyone and it may be harder for loner girls. I was just there to finish the major while often depressed but determined to go through it, and not really caring about a social life or getting laid or a gf then.
Ok I did not get far in college, so I am not an expert. As far as bullying, i think in high school it reaches it's peak in general. i would say high school bullies seem to have endless time to find ways to humiliate people and will keep it up for months or years. In college, I would say even if they are just as big pr*cks, most of those same kids will mature to the point that they at least will just mostly mind their own business or get bored with the idea of terrorizing victims in some way. It isn't even that they matured exactly, just more that they are somewhat older and are bored with the idea of showing superiority. I didn't like most people as in 98% or more, in any club or sports team or school or activity anyway, so me being excluded in a way was doing me a favor.

A problem I had was if someone talked to me in a class where there was a lull and it was deathly quiet, I would give some generic answer due to anxiety and now the whole damn class heard my generic answer so they thought i was boring. If I could only have dealt with people one-on-one i would have been so much better off. Who knows what the hell all the students even talk about in the hallways or in between class. It is the same idea of being at a bar and every conversation you hear is more interesting than the one you are having. There is really nothing to be jealous about in not being included in some dopey conversation. When I was dating, even women I was with or that went successful, i was almost horrified at how boring I must have sounded, and i would say a lot of the same BS with each person I dated. I have no idea how every one of them wasn't bored to tears. My point is, feeling left out of conversations in a workplace or school or college is dumb, because basically all those conversations are relatively pointless and run-of-the-mill anyway.

I would guess from a male point of view, in junior high school, you would say to your friend, "wow did you see her boobs," and in college, I think it is basically the same level of immature thinking, just a slightly less juvenile statement or comment. Men seem to never mature anyway, at least when it comes to sex talk or gossip or whatever. A guy could have a master's degree and have traveled the world and is a CEO but could still tell dirty sex jokes with his friends for hours every weekend, men never mature
Disheveled and Lost is offline  
post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-14-2019, 01:58 AM
MAGA
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,236
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosaliesa View Post
I am so tired of people always expecting everyone to be outgoing and extravert. Right now I’m doing a criminology major and theres a lot of discussions. Coming from high school where I literally never talked at all, talking once every class now are amazing steps for me. However, everyone else talks WAY more and is super outgoing. The teachers keep telling me im too quiet and need to talk more. Yesterday my teacher said that in front of all students and I felt so embarassed.
Today I talked with the counciler and told her about my anxiety. I didnt like her reaction at all. She was like we can not make exceptions for you, in this course u need those skills so u need to talk. She then asked me if I was in therapy, i told her ive been in therapy for years but felt like it wasnt helping. She told me to go in therapy again bc I cant live like this and need to work on my future.
I’m feeling so sad. Why are they like this and ugh im so tired of it. I really feel like my social anxiety will never go away no matter how much I try. My grades at uni are really good but I keep getting judged over the fact that I dont talk as much as others do.
No one seems to understand how exhausting and hard it is to live like this. I wanna talk so bad, but I just can’t...
You're doing well enough that you are still getting good grades. Just get through the classes. College will end up being a short time in overall life anyways. If you can get connections or entry level apprenticeship to some field in criminology by the time you graduate, so much the better. As far as all this bullying or whatnot, just keep going through it, or some other alternatives such as changing classes whatever you need to get through it as there is still more structure past hs. You are also in a major that requires a lot more subjectivity and presentation, but as you seem to be still making it. Screw the councilor. If the worst crap happens, try going to the dean. They are usually much more helpful and authoritative than a quack hired for psychological services. I had wasted time with the college quacks too in my first year. Or get some xanax from a regular doc, (just take as needed) and smile through the insults by the judgemental teachers. Myself and other social phobes made it through college for a degree and made it through the unique struggles and challenges. I had good grades in hs in prep for the college dream, and wasn't going to give up on at least finishing even if it was a nightmare and took extra years to finish. Good luck.
railcar82594 is offline  
Reply

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
People initially like me but then despise me DukeDuck Coping With Social Anxiety 57 10-30-2018 03:39 AM
Active LGBT forums? Wren611 GLBT 42 04-05-2018 06:27 AM
Racism against white people - does it exist? ljubo Society & Culture 47 02-01-2017 03:17 PM
How to become more sucessful in 3 weeks defoe Coping With Social Anxiety 8 07-12-2010 01:32 PM
I don't seem to relate to people here. Want2Bconfident Coping With Social Anxiety 36 10-20-2008 05:49 AM

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome