Reflecting on turning 30 next week - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2020, 04:57 AM Thread Starter
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Reflecting on turning 30 next week


When I was a kid I always wanted to find love. I thought that by the time I was 30 I would have a wife and kid and house but that wasnít the case in reality.

Looking back at my life, Iím just glad that my twenties werenít completely wasted. I donít have anything to show for my life except that I had adventures. I lost my virginity when I was 23 and since then I have had a few girlfriends each year. Iím currently seeing someone but I donít know if I love her. Iím trying to love her and fall for her but in the back of my mind I think I might be settling. At the same time though I donít think Iíve felt as much affection and support from anyone I dated than her. She is special to me regardless of whatever happens. I had my fair share of wild times and smoking weed and doing drugs and having promiscuous sex which is every guys desire when theyíre young but I just donít have any success in my financial department and Iím still living with my mom. Iíve been working for a long time but Iíve also been job hopping.

My sa gets in the way of my work situation so itís hard for me to keep jobs. I either get fired for being too incompetent or I quit from how tormenting it is. Idk I just feel like I had a lot of potential to do things with my life but I can only get so far. I donít wanna be single forever. I want kids and a stable life one day but it feels so out of reach at my current place in life.

My insecurities also keep me from certain aspects of my current relationship. I just donít feel comfortable in my skin and Iíve been like that since I was 16. Despite my success with women in the past, I struggle with confidence and I just try extra hard to get out of my comfort zone.

Now that Iím gonna be 30 I feel like Iím expected to be at a certain place in life.. Iím just trying to say that Iím thankful for what I DID get to do even though Iím sad about getting older. I accept it though. I have to.

Thatís my thoughts on turning 30 next week.
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2020, 06:47 AM
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I got nothing to say except time flies and it flies way faster after turning 30.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2020, 08:31 AM
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Well I got a few years on you. Im 42.

Good thing you have had some luck with women. Doing better in that area then a lot of people on this site. But what you and I have learned is that having some good times with women dosent solve your SA or your other life problems. It feels good to be with women and will give you some more confidence socially.

Having adventures in life like you say is a big deal. I have traveled to quite a few other countries and experienced some good (and bad) things. Makes you appreciate life and how lucky you are. Most people havent had these experiences.

Your only 30 so you got plenty of time to get the job thing figured out. I still havent. I got a job I dont hate and is not to much works and pays ok. So thats a victory
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2020, 04:22 PM
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Can relate to not feeling comfortable in my skin and struggling with my confidence even though I would by some standards here be considered successful with women. When you're in your 20's you feel like you should be at a certain place, when you're 30 you feel like you should be in a certain place and so on and so on. There's no straight path in life, its a zigzag, a curve, whatever you want to call it. If you haven't figured out everything right now that's alright. Congrats by the way on making it to your 30's.

Don't have to have things figured out, you don't have to be on anyone's time. Maybe a different road in life will lead you to where you're meant to be. My cousin found his current wife at 36, he's 40 now, they've been married 3 years and they still want to do other things before they plan on having kids. He also had the traditional root, wanted the wife and family but its happening later in life for him. You've got time.

I m afraid of not being enough
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2020, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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Can relate to not feeling comfortable in my skin and struggling with my confidence even though I would by some standards here be considered successful with women. When you're in your 20's you feel like you should be at a certain place, when you're 30 you feel like you should be in a certain place and so on and so on. There's no straight path in life, its a zigzag, a curve, whatever you want to call it. If you haven't figured out everything right now that's alright. Congrats by the way on making it to your 30's.

Don't have to have things figured out, you don't have to be on anyone's time. Maybe a different road in life will lead you to where you're meant to be. My cousin found his current wife at 36, he's 40 now, they've been married 3 years and they still want to do other things before they plan on having kids. He also had the traditional root, wanted the wife and family but its happening later in life for him. You've got time.
What should I do once Iím in my mid 30ís and still got no wife or kids? Should I just sleep around and accept that to be my life? Itís better than being celibate my whole life which is honestly what I was afraid of happening before I started seeing women.
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-30-2020, 08:15 PM Thread Starter
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Iím starting to be at peace with being 30. Iíve been dreading this birthday all my life and Iíve been fighting it but now I see that itís inevitable. Iím just happy to be alive and to have made it this far without dying or being killed. I have my memories of my twenties and thatís enough. Iíll just accept things as they come to me. Iím happy to have existed and have memories.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-01-2020, 07:39 AM
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What should I do once Iím in my mid 30ís and still got no wife or kids? Should I just sleep around and accept that to be my life? Itís better than being celibate my whole life which is honestly what I was afraid of happening before I started seeing women.
Its not a choice where you have to pick one or the other. You can do both. Date and sleep around if you want and if it turns into a long term relationship and marriage that is great as well. Enjoy being single where you have the choice of any woman you want. But keep a look out for a potential lady with wife who is wife material.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-01-2020, 10:39 AM
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What should I do once I’m in my mid 30’s and still got no wife or kids? Should I just sleep around and accept that to be my life? It’s better than being celibate my whole life which is honestly what I was afraid of happening before I started seeing women.
Are you putting pressure on yourself to be married and have kids by a certain point or is this coming from family and the idea of tradition, cause you have choice, if you want to go the traditional root, go ahead. It may or may not work out the way you're planning it. Have to ask yourself what you're going to do. as someone else said you can do both. You could end up getting married and adopt, you could be a single dad, you could get married and realize somewhere in life you don't want gets etc. You really have this planned. Some guys end up in sexless marriages.

I m afraid of not being enough
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-01-2020, 08:40 PM Thread Starter
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Are you putting pressure on yourself to be married and have kids by a certain point or is this coming from family and the idea of tradition, cause you have choice, if you want to go the traditional root, go ahead. It may or may not work out the way you're planning it. Have to ask yourself what you're going to do. as someone else said you can do both. You could end up getting married and adopt, you could be a single dad, you could get married and realize somewhere in life you don't want gets etc. You really have this planned. Some guys end up in sexless marriages.
Well itís a little of both. People look at guys in their 30ís with no wife or kids and think theyíre sad or empty. Also, my parents keep telling me they want grandchildren someday too. I donít mind my freedom and seeing different women/casual dating but I sometimes get sad I canít have a normal American life.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-02-2020, 12:25 PM
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Well itís a little of both. People look at guys in their 30ís with no wife or kids and think theyíre sad or empty. Also, my parents keep telling me they want grandchildren someday too. I donít mind my freedom and seeing different women/casual dating but I sometimes get sad I canít have a normal American life.
People also look at guys in their 30's with no wife and kids and think he's lucky, he's free and single, yes there are those with old school ideas about marriage who might think this but this feeling you have comes from a need to please.

There's alot more here I could tell you but like alot of people you try to measure yourself by what others expect of you. People are going to think what they want regardless of how you live your life. A normal American life? people chose to be single longer, people get married later if at all, people chose to adopt, to have blended mixed families, etc everyone has their own normal.

The idea of Normal being a husband, wife 2.2 kids and a dog living a white picket fence life died out along time ago. Your parents sound like alot of parents who talk about wanting grandchildren, I'm not the expert here on what to say but there are things you can say to them about how you feel. You should want to do this for you not because its what your parents or anyone else wants.

I m afraid of not being enough
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-03-2020, 05:58 AM Thread Starter
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People also look at guys in their 30's with no wife and kids and think he's lucky, he's free and single, yes there are those with old school ideas about marriage who might think this but this feeling you have comes from a need to please.

There's alot more here I could tell you but like alot of people you try to measure yourself by what others expect of you. People are going to think what they want regardless of how you live your life. A normal American life? people chose to be single longer, people get married later if at all, people chose to adopt, to have blended mixed families, etc everyone has their own normal.

The idea of Normal being a husband, wife 2.2 kids and a dog living a white picket fence life died out along time ago. Your parents sound like alot of parents who talk about wanting grandchildren, I'm not the expert here on what to say but there are things you can say to them about how you feel. You should want to do this for you not because its what your parents or anyone else wants.
Youíre right
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-03-2020, 07:04 PM
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Happy birthday in advance. I'm a few years ahead of you so maybe it has lent to a couple years of thinking of what life is supposed to be like.. and I'm not too sure myself. Whatever stage you are at, I think it can and can't be helped. I know without anxiety, I'd be a different person. We can only work on what we have now so.. I wouldn't discredit all the effort put in. It's odd that we even have all these constraints in the first place. The main message I've gotten from those around me is to try to be happy and healthy, that is all. If you want to be something more, definitely be more.

Only lately has this existential crisis hit pretty hard but arent we always existentially crisis...ing? That is the only clear constant. The normal American life has changed. Modernness has changed. Believe me, when you see a childless woman, you kind of think the same too, but I dont hold myself to those standards until.. I end up with a child, if I do. I think that's safe to say, to not evaluate until you do get children, married life. Everything just changes...
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-03-2020, 08:26 PM
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I still remember what my aunt said to me at age 21. She said that I will be 30 years old, and no women or job would want me, because I would be too old.

Society mentality about 30 year old single people, or 30 year old careerless people are engineered by programmers. All just for the citizen experiment for maintaining civilization.

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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-04-2020, 12:31 PM
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You seem to have done alright for yourself for 30 Bill. Dont be too hard on yourself yeah?


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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-05-2020, 03:41 AM Thread Starter
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You seem to have done alright for yourself for 30 Bill. Dont be too hard on yourself yeah?
Thnx xoxo
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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-05-2020, 07:42 AM
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I got nothing to say except time flies and it flies way faster after turning 30.
That's an illusion of memory that depends on what you're doing with your time. My 20s flew by and my 30s seemed to last a lifetime, because I was doing a lot more in my 30s so there's more to remember there.

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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-10-2020, 12:05 PM
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I turned 40 just over a month ago. I finally met my love at 38, and got married at 39. The right person is out there, and they turn up when you least expect them to.
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-10-2020, 01:20 PM
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It's not uncommon for those our age to reflect on what we've accomplished. As individuals, we have a responsibility to be true to ourselves. Ok, so we still dont have the job we want or the life partner we want. The next step is to rethink what has worked and what has not. For me, turning 30 with little success is not a life sentence, it's a reminder that I still have work to do. That gives me purpose to keep trying.



Maybe I'm an optimist (and only speaking for myself), but my path to success is right in front me. It's always been there, but my past beliefs tell a different story. I will have to deal with a little bit of social stigma, and if that's the price to pay to get myself on a better track then I'll do it in a heartbeat. Better late than never.
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-10-2020, 03:17 PM
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It's not uncommon for those our age to reflect on what we've accomplished. As individuals, we have a responsibility to be true to ourselves. Ok, so we still dont have the job we want or the life partner we want. The next step is to rethink what has worked and what has not. For me, turning 30 with little success is not a life sentence, it's a reminder that I still have work to do. That gives me purpose to keep trying.

Maybe I'm an optimist (and only speaking for myself), but my path to success is right in front me. It's always been there, but my past beliefs tell a different story. I will have to deal with a little bit of social stigma, and if that's the price to pay to get myself on a better track then I'll do it in a heartbeat. Better late than never.

Here here, I couldn't agree more.
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