Ranting, venting, rethinking my life, just ignore this post lol.
I miss whenever I was young, before I had SA. I took a natural interest in the lives of people around me. I wasn't very self-aware. It was great (probably? Maybe just nostalgia?). I liked and essentially wanted to be friends with everyone I met. Problematicly, as I think everyone learns at some point when they're young, not everyone shares this sentiment. Compared to where I am now, I actually remember a point in my life where I was fairly outgoing. I was still pretty quiet, but over time that insecurity of "am I accepted?" or "is my presence wanted?" started growing. Fast forward a few years while I'm processing these questions and unknowingly trying to figure out how to be human, I end up in the hospital with encephalitis and meningitis. That was essentially a social reset for me. I was in and out of the hospital for year. Put simply, it ****ed up my brain. I had a total shift in mindset, I'm in junior high trying to figure out how to be an actual human being while also having to relearn a lot of basic education people take for granted. From here on, making new friends became near impossible because I found that people aren't exactly understanding when you can't hold a normal conversation the same as everyone else. After years of trying to figure out how to reintegrate myself socially, I eventually said **** it and started becoming extremely more internal in my mindset. I stopped taking interest in building relationships. It simply took too much time for people to want to enter my life given the drawbacks I was facing, so I stopped trying to enter into anyone else's life. Maybe not the healthiest response or the one that's benefited me now, being that I'm 23 and in deeper and darker places mentally than ever before, but to me it was my reality. It still is. I don't know how to return to that mental space where I was interested in the lives of other people and actually had an "external" life. I feel like I take place wholly internal to myself and nowhere else, and I don't feel like I'll ever truly have an "exit." I should probably be in therapy, however I don't have the money for it and I live in a place where mental health care is not very good and difficult to find. So I'm trying to figure it out on my own which has never really worked, but most people I encounter seem to want me to figure it out on my own. I wish I didn't feel alone with this. This is what I carry around with me while I'm seeking a job too. Just makes it worse. More isolated than I've ever been. Tired of living. Tired of people. Tired of being alone too. There's no winning with me.