People who say they care but don't - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-18-2018, 05:33 AM Thread Starter
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People who say they care but don't


You tell some people, they listen and they actually care. Hell, I've told four friends and each one has been supportive and helpful - even if it is just listening to my problems or maybe accommodating for my anxiety/depression. Those are the best people, the ones who make me feel somewhat normal and not just beneath everyone.

Then there's people who say they'll listen when you first go to them, but once the initial veil of good intentions falls off they ignore or avoid you. It's like offering someone who's drowning a boat ride out of hell, only to just sit and ignore them. Perhaps one of the worst feelings is having your hopes built up only to be shattered once again. I've experienced this and afterwards it feels like I'm back at square one with the depression. I wouldn't care as much if I was ignored by this particular person in the first place, but why give false hope? All I want is to share my experiences with someone and let them understand why I've been the way I've been. That way I'd feel less isolated.

That being said, I wouldn't avoid telling people about my issues because of this one instance. For those reading this who are perhaps mulling over looking for help - what I'd say is this: if you're looking to tell or reach out to or talk to someone, do. Chances are if you feel like talking to your friend, family member, colleague, teacher or doctor about it, you know them well enough to trust them and that they will be supportive and helpful - even if sometimes, because of the SA or depression, you doubt anyone cares. Some people care less than you hope, some people care more than you think. I suppose life and dealing with SA/depression/problems is about sorting one from the other.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-18-2018, 06:53 AM
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I hear you on that. You don't know how many people either try to sugarcoat when describing about mental illness or they even mock it. It's a cruel and not very understanding world. Even those who mean well, they try giving advice such as 'be strong' and 'you have to look on the bright side' type of advice, simply because they never walked that same mile. As much as there's 'accommodations', morally people usually don't do so; instead they see you as incompetent and leave you at that because they don't see the person past their illness or flaws. I've learned to work my way around some difficulties that I know not many people would truly understand. That's really the only person who will truly help and validate such concerns.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-18-2018, 08:02 AM
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It's pretty frustrating. My family are like this. I nearly died (by bleeding to death of all things) and none of my family members came to see me (it's depressing when your friends and people online care more than your "family").

Then I was surprised because two days before leaving a family member DID turn up! I thought "maybe there's still a chance for this family to be normal!" then I saw them the day I got out annnnd... they asked me for money. That was the reason they came to see me. The only time I ever get asks "how are you?" from any of them is when they want money or need something repairing.

I'll be honest, it kind of hurt that even when I nearly died (doctors said they were legitimately worried about losing me). I wish I could rant about all the psychotic **** they've done to me as well as the multiple foster homes I was in. I'm starting to wonder if it's because I'm one of the few men in the family. There are around 9 women, me and 1 other guy. The other guy came to the same conclusion as me, that they're all sociopaths so they **** on him.

I'd rather hear from none of them for the rest of my life than have them pretend to care for 30 seconds to see if they can get any money. Other people in my life are fine with me so I know it's not me, I spent years thinking I'd done something.

I think the thing you describe is actually really common in society. I mean ask most people "what would you do if you saw an old man collapse on the street" and they'd ALL say they'd help. I guarantee it. That's why I was (not) surprised one day when I saw an old man laying on the floor IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY CENTER with hundreds of people just rapidly walking past looking at him with sneers of disgust. He wasn't dressed in a suit or anything but he obviously wasn't homeless.

I stood for a second in shock at the looks people were giving him. So I went over and asked him if he was okay. I sat with him for a few minutes, got him up the stairs and then he wasn't far from the hospital which was just over the street. Nobody cared that a man might be dying on the floor with hundreds of people there to help. I hate how we ascribe empathy to certain parts of society yet they were just looking at him like "ewww, I'm not touching an old man".

I started to panic a little bit wondering about when I'm that age and started thinking about how disgusting shallow the human race is. I mean if that was Stephen Fry who collapsed there do you think nobody would have stopped? It might sound like an absurd comparison but so many people claim to have these beautifully ethical beliefs that we're all the same, all valuable, all deserve respect, but what I saw there sort of pushed me over the cynic cliff.

People who legitimately care are very, very rare and usually only care because they've been through the thing themselves. The rest are liars, saying what they think is the right thing just to reassure themselves and you in the short term. They're the social equivalent of people who talk about signing up for charities but never do.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-18-2018, 08:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Michael Caant View Post
It's pretty frustrating. My family are like this. I nearly died (by bleeding to death of all things) and none of my family members came to see me (it's depressing when your friends and people online care more than your "family").

Then I was surprised because two days before leaving a family member DID turn up! I thought "maybe there's still a chance for this family to be normal!" then I saw them the day I got out annnnd... they asked me for money. That was the reason they came to see me. The only time I ever get asks "how are you?" from any of them is when they want money or need something repairing.

I'll be honest, it kind of hurt that even when I nearly died (doctors said they were legitimately worried about losing me). I wish I could rant about all the psychotic **** they've done to me as well as the multiple foster homes I was in. I'm starting to wonder if it's because I'm one of the few men in the family. There are around 9 women, me and 1 other guy. The other guy came to the same conclusion as me, that they're all sociopaths so they **** on him.

I'd rather hear from none of them for the rest of my life than have them pretend to care for 30 seconds to see if they can get any money. Other people in my life are fine with me so I know it's not me, I spent years thinking I'd done something.

I think the thing you describe is actually really common in society. I mean ask most people "what would you do if you saw an old man collapse on the street" and they'd ALL say they'd help. I guarantee it. That's why I was (not) surprised one day when I saw an old man laying on the floor IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY CENTER with hundreds of people just rapidly walking past looking at him with sneers of disgust. He wasn't dressed in a suit or anything but he obviously wasn't homeless.

I stood for a second in shock at the looks people were giving him. So I went over and asked him if he was okay. I sat with him for a few minutes, got him up the stairs and then he wasn't far from the hospital which was just over the street. Nobody cared that a man might be dying on the floor with hundreds of people there to help. I hate how we ascribe empathy to certain parts of society yet they were just looking at him like "ewww, I'm not touching an old man".

I started to panic a little bit wondering about when I'm that age and started thinking about how disgusting shallow the human race is. I mean if that was Stephen Fry who collapsed there do you think nobody would have stopped? It might sound like an absurd comparison but so many people claim to have these beautifully ethical beliefs that we're all the same, all valuable, all deserve respect, but what I saw there sort of pushed me over the cynic cliff.

People who legitimately care are very, very rare and usually only care because they've been through the thing themselves. The rest are liars, saying what they think is the right thing just to reassure themselves and you in the short term. They're the social equivalent of people who talk about signing up for charities but never do.
Thank God you were there to help the man out. God is good.

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
-Joseph M. Scriven
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-18-2018, 08:33 AM
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Yes you have some people who love to give others false hope by pretending to care or to be a friend. Its very disappointing.

But thank God I'm a Christian, so whenever I need to talk or need encouragement, I can always talk to God and read my Bible for inspiration and strength to deal with issues.

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
-Joseph M. Scriven
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-18-2018, 08:43 AM
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The thing about some of these people is I think some of them truly do not care, they just want to seem like a good person by saying they'll be there for you.
They don't actually think about what "being there for you" really means. They're not willing to sacrifice their time to help someone, they're selfish.
Then I think there are others who may care and say they do but they have their own issues they need to work on. They feel they're not qualified to help because they don't even have their own lives in order. These types really should not tell you they care, they should just remain as acquaintances and not friends you rely on for venting serious problems.

Anyway, I've dealt with this and it does suck.
I tried to kill myself a while back, let a friend know (which was really hard to do) and she said she'd be there for me.
She then ignored my texts and attempts at hanging out for a few months. I was at a really low point and it was like being kicked while I was down. It felt like she wouldn't care even if I did kill myself, and it made me think about ending my life even more.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-18-2018, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Michael Caant View Post
It's pretty frustrating. My family are like this. I nearly died (by bleeding to death of all things) and none of my family members came to see me (it's depressing when your friends and people online care more than your "family").

Then I was surprised because two days before leaving a family member DID turn up! I thought "maybe there's still a chance for this family to be normal!" then I saw them the day I got out annnnd... they asked me for money. That was the reason they came to see me. The only time I ever get asks "how are you?" from any of them is when they want money or need something repairing.

I'll be honest, it kind of hurt that even when I nearly died (doctors said they were legitimately worried about losing me). I wish I could rant about all the psychotic **** they've done to me as well as the multiple foster homes I was in. I'm starting to wonder if it's because I'm one of the few men in the family. There are around 9 women, me and 1 other guy. The other guy came to the same conclusion as me, that they're all sociopaths so they **** on him.

I'd rather hear from none of them for the rest of my life than have them pretend to care for 30 seconds to see if they can get any money. Other people in my life are fine with me so I know it's not me, I spent years thinking I'd done something.

I think the thing you describe is actually really common in society. I mean ask most people "what would you do if you saw an old man collapse on the street" and they'd ALL say they'd help. I guarantee it. That's why I was (not) surprised one day when I saw an old man laying on the floor IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY CENTER with hundreds of people just rapidly walking past looking at him with sneers of disgust. He wasn't dressed in a suit or anything but he obviously wasn't homeless.

I stood for a second in shock at the looks people were giving him. So I went over and asked him if he was okay. I sat with him for a few minutes, got him up the stairs and then he wasn't far from the hospital which was just over the street. Nobody cared that a man might be dying on the floor with hundreds of people there to help. I hate how we ascribe empathy to certain parts of society yet they were just looking at him like "ewww, I'm not touching an old man".

I started to panic a little bit wondering about when I'm that age and started thinking about how disgusting shallow the human race is. I mean if that was Stephen Fry who collapsed there do you think nobody would have stopped? It might sound like an absurd comparison but so many people claim to have these beautifully ethical beliefs that we're all the same, all valuable, all deserve respect, but what I saw there sort of pushed me over the cynic cliff.

People who legitimately care are very, very rare and usually only care because they've been through the thing themselves. The rest are liars, saying what they think is the right thing just to reassure themselves and you in the short term. They're the social equivalent of people who talk about signing up for charities but never do.
Wow, the part with the elderly man is scary to think about. Some people who I know arenít saints have helped those who fell. Itís scary to think about and I honestly hope I donít live for that long.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-18-2018, 09:08 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by momentsunset View Post
The thing about some of these people is I think some of them truly do not care, they just want to seem like a good person by saying they'll be there for you.
They don't actually think about what "being there for you" really means. They're not willing to sacrifice their time to help someone, they're selfish.
Then I think there are others who may care and say they do but they have their own issues they need to work on. They feel they're not qualified to help because they don't even have their own lives in order. These types really should not tell you they care, they should just remain as acquaintances and not friends you rely on for venting serious problems.

Anyway, I've dealt with this and it does suck.
I tried to kill myself a while back, let a friend know (which was really hard to do) and she said she'd be there for me.
She then ignored my texts and attempts at hanging out for a few months. I was at a really low point and it was like being kicked while I was down. It felt like she wouldn't care even if I did kill myself, and it made me think about ending my life even more.
Yeah I agree, there are some people who say they care but feel unable to help because of their own problems. However I think some of those people are cautious about supporting someone with issues in case their own issues worsen in the process. This is fair enough, but as you've said they really shouldn't say that they're available for you to vent to or help.

However the sense of "you're not alone" people get from forums like this is more powerful if you're sharing issues with someone else with those issues face-to-face. I've been talking to an old friend who is suffering with bipolar and I think we've both found it really useful because we can share our experiences and advice. Before I told anyone I specifically chose certain people who I think or know have similar issues (anxiety/depression) and have shown themselves to be supportive or caring in the past, so there was at least some level of understanding already in place when I say something - but also to let them know that it was possible for them to share more personal thoughts with me and not feel judged for it. I was hoping the same would be the case with this particular person (who has anxiety) but evidently not. I suppose everyone is different.
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