People actually made me cry today - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Recently I had vented online about a store being slow and unhelpful. I felt I was really reasonable, not using out of line insults or anything. Yeah, I used some expletives but that's what you do when angry. Lately I seem to be getting a lot of bad experiences from stores, so I wanted to let that out.

I said how the employees weren't doing their job, then I started to get a lot of nasty comments. The first reply accused me of being a terrible person and being mean to employees, which I was anything but unkind to them. I guess it was one of those "stop complaining you big baby" kind of toxic threads. They kept defending the employees, saying how cashiers get treated like garbage as if that justified me getting a poor experience from them.

Ppl were demonizing me, saying I was making a big deal out of nothing. I went to the store to replace a defective item, and that was that. It turned into them insulting my makeup and saying I was a horrible person. I told some ppl to "**** off" in defense of them going with the first person's comment, accusing me of treating the employees poorly.

At the end of everything I broke down in tears. I guess I've been extra sensitive lately. I can't remember the last time someone's words had made me upset enough to cry. I think a big part of it was being so exhausted in trying to defend myself. I'm not even sure why I engaged and bothered. I was the injured animal and the wolves kept showing up.

It's an awful feeling when ppl gang up on you and belittle you basically over a difference of opinion, then gaslight you as the monster.

There are very few things in life worth worrying about.
Those few that are worth worrying about, actually aren't worth worrying about either.

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 01:50 PM
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The internet is filled with toxic people. Even more so than real life I think, since people tend to hide behind their computers and feel more comfortable insulting and arguing with others.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Noraborealis View Post
Yeah, I used some expletives but that's what you do when angry.
No, it's not what I do when I'm angry. If you choose to do that, you're cutting off any chance of a useful discussion in which either side could learn something. When you push the other people into fight or flight mode that means you're going to have to deal with the ones who choose fight. And you can't expect them to fight rationally when you've upped the emotional stakes beyond that.

At any rate it sounds like your actual problem with the store was that they hadn't hired enough people and/or intentionally made the refund process difficult to discourage it. And yet you attacked the employees instead. Don't do what you complain about others doing.

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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 02:38 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noraborealis View Post
Yeah, I used some expletives but that's what you do when angry.
No, it's not what I do when I'm angry. If you choose to do that, you're cutting off any chance of a useful discussion in which either side could learn something. When you push the other people into fight or flight mode that means you're going to have to deal with the ones who choose fight. And you can't expect them to fight rationally when you've upped the emotional stakes beyond that.

At any rate it sounds like your actual problem with the store was that they hadn't hired enough people and/or intentionally made the refund process difficult to discourage it. And yet you attacked the employees instead. Don't do what you complain about others doing.
Well not everyone is like you. We all express anger differently.

I didn't attack the employees. I was kind to them. I was simply defending myself from nasty comments. I don't just start attacking ppl and saying bad things unprovoked.

Honestly, your reply isn't that helpful. I'm getting a very unfriendly and lecturing vibe which I clearly don't need right now.

I hope you've misunderstood my post, and maybe I'm misunderstanding you. What am I doing exactly that I'm complaining about? Uh if the employees are intentionally making the return process difficult for me while being totally nice to them, why wouldn't I have a right to be upset and complain?

There are very few things in life worth worrying about.
Those few that are worth worrying about, actually aren't worth worrying about either.

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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 03:08 PM
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OK so if I'm understanding correctly you used those in the post and not on the people irl? I have some issues with anger at times, so I like to rant about stuff online people don't take it well though if it's about a group they identify with or if it's a group they feel protective about.

Also I have to point this out as you said people were criticising your makeup and I know you're transgender. People tend to be a lot less tolerant of that kind of thing from transwomen because they're constantly policing your gender and there's a bunch of meme stories about transwomen getting angry including with people working in shops. So, if they figured out you're trans that might be why they responded poorly. I'm not sure where you were posting where they could see your makeup though or if you meant the people irl were criticising your makeup.

I do see that happen a lot though, particularly on twitter because of the low character count. Lots of people criticising other's appearance if they have a display pic of themselves.

Also agree with the other poster who said the internet is very toxic. But it's really just society.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 04:40 PM
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I'm not sure which parts took place online vs irl, but... I think quite a few people have had an experience of being hounded, or have seen others' hounded, or have done the hounding online. There's usually no point even defending yourself when it gets like that because they don't care, they just want to see you suffer.

A lot of tense interactions can end up worse online because there's less inhibition compared to irl (mainly because they're often anonymous), and empathy works differently face to face vs anonymous person in cyberspace (emotional vs cognitive empathy etc). A lot of people can't fully make the connection. Can sometimes go the other way too, in that online can give enough distance and time delay to process and react more appropriately but I think that happens more when there's no anonymity involved.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
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Honestly just forget it. Venting online always leads to someone itching to fight your side. It's a disgusting part of ppl that will never go away.

Even here, on a support forum, ppl will attack you as if it's opposite day. Usually when ppl vent they are looking for sympathy and support, but that's when the jerks come out.

This is why I've posted here but all anyone wants to do is throw logic. It's really frustrating when you come to someone for help and instead of just listening they throw obvious solutions at you.

There are very few things in life worth worrying about.
Those few that are worth worrying about, actually aren't worth worrying about either.

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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 04:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noraborealis View Post
Honestly just forget it. Venting online always leads to someone itching to fight your side. It's a disgusting part of ppl that will never go away.

Even here, on a support forum, ppl will attack you as if it's opposite day. Usually when ppl vent they are looking for sympathy and support, but that's when the jerks come out.

This is why I've posted here but all anyone wants to do is throw logic. It's really frustrating when you come to someone for help and instead of just listening they throw obvious solutions at you.
Sorry I thought my post might have come across a bit robotic, I'm not really good at being caring/empathetic. A lot of the time it feels unnatural for me, I'm kind of schizoid/autistic. I hope you feel better though.

Also wasn't condoning the responses you got but realise I didn't make that clear.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noraborealis View Post
Honestly just forget it. Venting online always leads to someone itching to fight your side. It's a disgusting part of ppl that will never go away.

Even here, on a support forum, ppl will attack you as if it's opposite day. Usually when ppl vent they are looking for sympathy and support, but that's when the jerks come out.

This is why I've posted here but all anyone wants to do is throw logic. It's really frustrating when you come to someone for help and instead of just listening they throw obvious solutions at you.
Sorry I thought my post might have come across a bit robotic, I'm not really good at being caring/empathetic. A lot of the time it feels unnatural for me, I'm kind of schizoid/autistic. I hope you feel better though.

Also wasn't condoning the responses you got but realise I didn't make that clear.
I didn't mean anything toward you. No worries, and I do realize not everyone can play the supportive hero

There are very few things in life worth worrying about.
Those few that are worth worrying about, actually aren't worth worrying about either.

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HOORAY for INTJ/FP
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 06:09 PM
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Sorry to hear that. You can't satisfy everyone even if it's not your fault, talking about it to someone else helps and then you just let it go and move forward. You'd be surprised to hear perhaps that the people who were hurtful towards you were also like that to other people as well, not only you. cheers! Hope you feel better soon I didn't read your message well and it doesn't seem like you clearly stated the things you said so I don't know if it's your case but sometimes it could be how you say things, to learn to say things differently too. Wish you well!
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 06:12 PM
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You have a right to talk about your experiences online about a store. The people online have no authority over your comments, because they are not a moderator nor admin. Also, the people online can't make changes to your comment, and all they can do is complain to what they can't understand about the store or the employees.

Online reviews or online communities are for people to contribute their personal thoughts or feelings to show correlation between the way they think and how how others feel to support an idea, a place or event. If people don't want to take part in supporting others, they have the option for themselves to not take part in a review or community. You must of written an intelligent review for people online to become so defensive.


I had a person on SAS community back in 2016 tired to make me purchase an idea that everybody is ignoring my posts, because I was given an explanation about people behavior and the mind. Another person tag teamed with this particular person and told me about myself. Over 10 people had posted on the thread and didn't have any solution to intervene into the conversation, because they were clueless about the people who are tag teaming me. Once I came up with the solution about what the first person said the moderator quickly edited what the person said to me and deleted what the second person said to me. I laughed so hard, because the second person who tag teamed confused himself when he brought up about a guy who writes a blog about drinking coffee each day makes him schizophrenic to relate to me online.

What's the opposite of ignoring? That means someone is reading my posts, and the information had a lot of accurate meaning in words.

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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 06:58 PM
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Well I understand why you are frustrated. Having a misunderstanding/or argument with someone is one thing but I hate seeing people ganging up on others. I'm sure they don't like having a mob coming at them so why treat others like that.
And whoever insulted your make-up is an idiot. What the heck does that have to do with anything.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-20-2020, 03:41 AM
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I'm sorry that happened to you. People can be horrible.

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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-20-2020, 05:24 AM
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That's terrible. Most people are awful pieces of ****.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-20-2020, 08:39 AM
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When I leave controversial comments or whatever, I usually drop it and run. Meaning I don't look back at it. I guess I'm a coward but at least I got to express myself. I don't need to see negative feedback on what I said it serves no purpose for me. But then that means I don't get to see if anyone supports what I said either. But meh, oh well.
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post #16 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-20-2020, 10:09 AM
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I would say probably it's best not to let people know you're emotionally invested in their reaction to you. So if you think something is a piece of garbage or you think the customer service was crap, just say so and don't respond if anyone tries to argue. At the end of the day, a customer complaint is a black mark on any business and any business that wants to stay in business will eventually have to deal with the dings they get from unhappy customers. If their customer service is that bad your complaint certainly won't be the last so you can trust that other people will assure a cumulative effect (eventually).

Anyway, in a situation like this, it is really best to just state your case and leave it alone. If people want to argue they are trying to draw you in. If there's one of you and 30 of them, forget it. They weren't there. Right?

The only reaction you need to be interested in is if you receive an official response and they should never argue with you if they decide to respond. Or if they do, it shows a lack of professionalism.

Edit - Of course it also probably helps a lot if you make sure you're complaining to the right people. Give them a chance to save face and make it right before you take it public. Criticizing them in public should be a last resort because public criticism is the last thing any business wants. Once that has happened, they are less likely to respond in a good way (ask me how I know ).

Also, at the end of the day, you also have the option of going somewhere else and not giving them more of your money. If they're not going to make any effort to deal with you diplomatically, they don't deserve your business.
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