Overprotective mother... - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-04-2007, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
 
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Overprotective mother...


My mom ruined my personality by doing this. She never let me go over to friends houses unless she was able to talk to the parents for an hour or so while i was over there the first time. And before that she wouldnt even let me go over alone. Did this until i was in 8th grade.No movies with friends until i was 14. She will not let me do anything during a school day unless i have a 4.0 GPA (LOL) and she says my 3.5-3.8 GPA isnt good enough. **** you?

She opens my door every single time she walks by it and tells me to leave it open.She tells me she will take it off.... Does she think im looking at porn in the middle of day when people are home to something? and even if i was(which i dont do when people are home) why would she want to catch me?



She nags me about the stupidest things in order to try and make conversation with me because i dont like talking to her. but i guess she is trying to get me to be more social or somthing.

She thinks she is actually intelligent when she cant think rationaly, she uses no logic ever. Whenever i prove her wrong she tells me to shut up and if i yell back at her she acts like i commited a crime.

I dont mean to sound ungreatful for living in my home but she says i ask for everything... In the last 3 years i asked for new clothes once. Ive never asked for a cellphone, i use the same old one i got 4 years ago because i barley use it. I don't ask for games or computer parts, i buy them my self. She used to make me pay for the internet too until she started using it. I dont see how asking for her to feed me and take me to school every morning is too much.

She wonders why i dont have a licence yet, even though she said shed have to be in the car even after i finish my permit until im 18.

She wonders why i am not social....HMMM MAYBE YOU CAUSED IT? does she really expect me to just turn around and be a social person whe she basically forbid me to do anything like that when my personality was devolping.

I've overheard her talking and she thinks I'm gay i believe not sure though. I'm strait. I just never told her about any of the girls i was attracted to since she used to tell me how much trouble id get in if i was with some girl up until 14. then she magically wondered why i didnt ahve a gf....wow. Also the reason i never talked to any girls i liked.

My little brother actually has gotten a gf before i have and hes 14 and im 17. He lets my mom read every single email his gf sends him and he lets my mom read his IM conversations and myspace and what ever else he uses.

I do not see how he can stand her invading his privacy so blatantly. He also blindly agrees withevery thing she tells him, and takes up all of her opinions. It's like he cannot form his own opinions. He also goes along with peer pressure, i think he has a weak mind or somthing.

Is it just me or does my mom seem very controlling.
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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-04-2007, 10:27 PM
 
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Your Mom sounds like a control freak. She seems worried that you are about to do something terrible. Has this been going on your entire life? Did you do something in the past that made your Mom not trust you?

On the other hand, you are living in her house and you should abide by her rules until you move out. As for the car, is it her car or yours? If it is her car, she has the right to in the car since it is hers and she paid for it. If you got a speeding ticket driving her car, her insurance would go up. If the car is yours, then she shouldn't as long as you paid for it. And your Mom is out of line talking to others about your sexual orientation.

Have you tried to talk to your Mother about the feelings you described? Maybe both of you should see a counselor to hash things out.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-04-2007, 10:33 PM
 
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re: Overprotective mother...


Yea that sucks ... I can relate.. Whenever I would try to go out with friends my mom would always question why and what I was doing and it would seem to me like she would get mad at me if I end up going out.

I go to college now and live on campus and my mom calls me everyday to talk to me. My friends always bust my balls because she calls so much. I don't live far away only about 45 mins away so some weekends I go home and of course my mom always tells me to come home. I need to stay up there some weekends and get away from my family a little bit. I canít stand it but I'm starting to gain more control and not have her controlling what I do.

I don't think she understands how controlling she is.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-04-2007, 10:45 PM
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re: Overprotective mother...


When you're at school, take what you posted here to your counselor. Your mother can't stop you from doing that.
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-04-2007, 10:55 PM Thread Starter
 
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re: Overprotective mother...


If it was her car i could understand completly, but she said even if i bought one with my own money i would not be able to use it alone...So i never even bothered to learn. Dont go out anyways.

No i never did anything in the past that made her like this.She was like this ever since i could remember. She wouldnt let me go on field trips ever either :/ i hated that and got made fun of so much for it.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-05-2007, 01:36 AM
 
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re: Overprotective mother...


Sorry man. I have a bit of a nightmare mother too. I'll tell you what, it really has messed me up for relationships. The only thing that truely helps me is to be as far away from her as possible. Sucks to still be 17. I can tell you that even though my mother will never get better or be able to show any type of love or emotion towards me, the older I get the easier it is to deal with so this is not always going to be the case for you. Independance is the most important thing in my life. You're on the right track with paying for your own things and such. I've found (after years of complaining... mostly to myself) it's a waste of energy b/c my mother will never change and it just keeps me miserable. Also you learn to lower your expectations over time. lol sad.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-05-2007, 01:49 AM
 
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re: Overprotective mother...


Loner, You, I suppose are lucky, that at such a young age you see your mother for what she is. Mine was/is very similar but I didn't realize there was anything wrong. Over the years I have thought back and see that the best thing I could have done was move from her...I did, but then she decided to follow me and I didn't have the strength or a crystal ball to see that it would only make things worse. So here I am 43, 3 kids and still being controlled and can't get out of it. So, hold tight at least you will make the right decisions for your future. xxx
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-05-2007, 10:21 AM
 
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Im so lucky, my mother doesnt give a crap what i do just as long as i dont get hurt or it costs her money. She was always gone every weekend so people would come over and get hammered, she wouldnt care. My one freind would always get to drunk and puke and she would just laugh about it when i told her sunday, she would when i puked to.

She still let me do this even though when my sister was around and having parties one guy came over and got belligerent, the guy actually pushed my mom when she tried to kick him out. Two of my sisters freinds took him outside though, there was still blood sprayed on the garage door when i got back home for the weekend(i dont remember where i was)

now one time when I got brought home by the cops she was very upset and I can understand that, that sucked.

...if i were you id get out.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-05-2007, 10:44 AM
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re: Overprotective mother...


That's not right. I had a friend whose parents would sometimes take off her door as punishment. Ugh!
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-05-2007, 12:22 PM
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I have a *very* strict aunt. I can't even imagine what my cousin went through growing up in that household. Anyway, a few years back my mom let it slip that my grandma had a difficult time with my aunt when she was in high school because she did some stuff that she shouldn't have/hung out with people who were a bad influence, etc. I think that my aunt turned out to be the way that was and still is with my cousin because she did not want my cousin making the same mistakes.
Maybe your mom made some mistakes growing up and she does not want you to do the same...or maybe not. Some people just feel like they have to have control over everything, including their children.
I hope that you are able to leave that environment as soon as you are out of high school.
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-05-2007, 05:09 PM
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re: Overprotective mother...


My Mom could have used a child pyschology/child development class as well. It might not have been as bad, but I did have SA back then (and didn't have the internet back then )

Teasing me about dancing with a girl at a school dance was pretty bad though. And a few other control issues and not letting me learn about who I was, only who she wanted me to be.

Moving 2000 miles away and 6 months of therapy helped a little.

I have watched a few of those TV shows where the Moms of different families are switched, and I can't complain too much. There are some that are much worse. But, there are others (like one of my aunts) that seems to be perfect.

"Sure there are plenty of other fish in the sea; but you're not anywhere near the sea. You're in the desert. Alone."
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-16-2007, 12:38 AM
 
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I grew up with a really controlling mother too. She just likes to think it was care and love, and that her "boys" (I'm the third son) mean the world to her... not even realizing that I still, to this day am split between resenting her and having a deep sense of appreciation for her over-kindness.

She has written off girls I've dated after meeting them once. She prides herself on having the ability to discern whether women are good or bad for her sons before even giving them a chance.

The best thing to do is to separate as soon as you can and not allow her to talk to you but once a week or so. She will have to get used to the fact that you need to develop and become a man. Be lucky that you're younger than me, most people mistake me for being 21 in the way I look and behave. I haven't "lived" like most people have.. not until the past year, and I'm still getting used to being independent (which is an awesome thing).

I missed out on a lot of life because of the way my mother was. To the point I felt I had to ask permission to live my own life.

When I was living back home temporarily at 24-25, she hated the fact I would sometimes stay out late with a friend or somewhere else and I'd get railed for it after coming back. She would still be awake at 6-7 in the morning worrying about me, when I'd always been responsible. I would take a guilt trip for keeping her up all night.

She likes to think I'm her best "friend", and I have to tell you it isn't easy seeing your parents get older and seeing how empty their lives are.. so that they have to live vicariously through you, taking any measure of control they can.

I was the last one to leave the house, and empty nest syndrome really kicked in. She won't admit to it, but she used every tactic to try and hold onto me and keep me from living my own life. Imagine how emasculating it is to be a grown man and have a girlfriend that thinks you're a momma's boy because she sees your mom calling you once a day.

I knew I had to sever the cord when she even said she wanted to learn the business I'd started myself, and asked if I could come by each night to help her learn how to do it herself. It's sad.. but hey.. I know I wrote a lot, just don't let the same happen to you! You'll be a better person for it...
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-29-2010, 08:38 PM
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hmmm my mom is so controlling its like she has this lifestyle that she wants me to live and I don't want to be apart of it.I hate how she's soo controlling and demeaning towards others and always attaches stigmas to everything. God,and you know what I feel guilty as hell because I want to move out to TX maybe someday,hopefully and into my boyfriend's house BUT OMG my mom would have a heart attack.what to do?
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-30-2010, 07:40 AM
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Your mom sounds psychotic. My mom was overprotective but not nearly as bad as your mom. You should just try to completely ignore your mom and find a way to move out as soon as possible. Or you could try to be completely honest with her and try to explain to her how much she is invading your privacy and that you don't like it, but that might be hard. Don't try to argue with her though because once you start arguing she isn't going to listen to anything you say, the only thing she is going to be concerned about is proving to you that she is right and you are wrong. Buy the book "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns and read the chapter on communication, part 4.

Or you could completely rebel against her and drop out of school, start doing drugs, run away, etc. That would be fun.
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-30-2010, 07:48 AM
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smack her in the face and tell her to sftu

lol dont do above


but wow she sounds bad man if you want to watch porn do it not like its against the law.
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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-30-2010, 08:10 AM
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Have you talked to her about this? Also, what is your age. You don't want to tick her off or anything, esp if it's her job to take care of you. But sometimes being brutally honest and sincere is a way to really get through.

You know parents push you because they want the best for you. You may find their methods to be excessive which sometimes actually may be the case. But when they're very protective where they monitor your friends and your grades strictly, often it is evident that they have good intentions and want the best for you. If you ask me, being successful usually contributes to a higher self esteem than being unsuccessful.

I don't know you or her, I can't really make a suggestion to you. It's just my opinion that in this type of case you may need to be brutally honest in a very sincere way to make parents understand what effect their parenting methods are having on your sense of well being. SAD is something parents should really take more into consideration because the more you start forming behavioral patterns the harder it is to change them.

Good luck to you.
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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-30-2010, 08:12 AM
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Oh and if she is lurking and watching you like a hawk, she may be misinterpreting your non-social type behavior as shady or mischevious, which is another reason to be straightforward about what types of negative impacts you are experiencing.

You want to be sincere, I can not stress this more. You don't want to fight. You may feel like it but it's only going to bring about anger and nothing positive. Maybe work on forming a more open relationship with your family and hopefully they will come around.

Stop playing Sega and give your mom a hug. (joking, who plays sega anymore)
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-30-2010, 08:14 AM
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It is very hard to argue and change your mother's point of view if you still live under her care and there is no prospect of you moving out soon. that's just how it is. They are so conditioned to be overcontrolling that they don't know how else to act. Old habits are hard to break unless they gain some new perspective. Therefore, if they realize that you are going to leave the house soon and move out, they may start using every trick in the book to please you and conform to your wishes in order to keep you in their house forever.

I think what will really help things is moving out. I have overprotective parents, and when I brought up the suggestion of moving to a new place, my mom cried and begged me not to move out because she was so dependent on me. Its oftentimes the controlling overbearing parents who have a harder time coping with the idea of their child fleeing the nest.

I would have left the house a long time ago if it wasn't for my social anxiety. I used to quit part time jobs due to the social anxiety I got during work. Now my only excuse is to get a loan and move away to school. If I were you, I would try to move out before your brother did as well, because then the absence won't be so hard on your mother, she still has one child left at home for her to control.

Hell, you know what? I was registered to move away to school this coming May for a nursing program in a college 3 hours from home. I had my parents sign forms and provide me with money for the registration process, but as it turns out, the May session of the program is cancelled until September. As soon as my parents realized that I was leaving soon, they began to treat me a lot better than they did before. They wanted to gain my respect since I was expected to leave the house soon. They stopped bothering me and criticizing me, and let me do whatever I wanted.

Therefore, I believe that either threatening to move out or actually moving out can seriously change the dynamics between you and your mother. All you need is the financial freedom to do it, because once you're out of there, and have enough money and resources to sustain yourself, it is easy to cut off ties with your mother.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-30-2010, 09:07 AM
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Loner, You, I suppose are lucky, that at such a young age you see your mother for what she is. Mine was/is very similar but I didn't realize there was anything wrong. Over the years I have thought back and see that the best thing I could have done was move from her...I did, but then she decided to follow me and I didn't have the strength or a crystal ball to see that it would only make things worse. So here I am 43, 3 kids and still being controlled and can't get out of it. So, hold tight at least you will make the right decisions for your future. xxx
Do you still live with your mother? If so, is it because she cannot take care of herself? Do you have any siblings and are you the oldest one in the family?

I'm just curious as to know how exactly you are being controlled by your mother. I know that eventually I may be controlled by her in the sense that when she becomes elderly, she will be frail and develop a host of health related problems. In Chinese culture, the oldest one(of which I am), is expected to look after their parents. But I also seemingly have the most health problems out of all the children in our family as well, so what the hell. I had a raw deal.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 05-02-2012, 01:42 PM
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throughout my childhood i witnessed my dad having very bad anger problems. He would make fun of me and call me names sometimes.. basically, acted like a kid my age bullying me....nothing like a real loving father should be..my mom was a control freak, she was a stay at home mom and i was isolated as a homeschooler. All that was important to her was Catholicism and Homework. Friends did not really matter, I had time for that later when I graduated when it would be too late to socialize well because i had never been taught how to when growing up...we were not allowed to say things like "dumb" or "stupid" because my mom didnt like it, she would always talk about how evil everything and everyone is...i cant believe i survived in an environment like that...........
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