I freak out easily. If I get frustrated or feel nobody is understanding me or can't figure something out or can't get things working the way they should, I usually have an outburst. When we had really unreliable dialup Internet, for example, it was common for me to spend entire mornings screaming and sobbing at the computer and punching the desk or my legs. ;_; I also tend to go off on people who argue with or criticize me online, and take things very personally.
I always feel ashamed afterward, even if my complaint is a legitimate one and even if the other party (if one is involved) reacted just about as poorly. I've been criticized/rebuked so often for standing up for myself (one time, literally all I quietly said, when outright asked what was wrong
, after a homophobic rant by a family member, was, "This conversation is making me uncomfortable," and even though the relative in question, seeming unoffended, apologized and changed the subject, my mother gave me the cold shoulder the rest of the evening for "rocking the boat") that even when I DON'T technically "blow up," even when I protest something calmly, I always feel bad afterward, and like I should apologize, no matter how hurt I am.
I feel I have no right to express any sort of frustration or anger because no matter how I do it, I do it wrong. -_- All my life I've gotten mixed messages from others that I need a spine and need to stand up for myself, yet whenever I do, however I do it, it upsets people and they want me to keep quiet. I've also had people (including friends and family) tell me I need a thicker skin, and tease/mock me accordingly to "toughen me up," yet when I fight back, even if I do it in a "joking" manner since they always insist they're "just joking," they get angry and attack me even more until I cry and retreat and then they criticize me for that, too. For some reason their anger and offense is always legitimate while mine is always unjustified. None of it makes sense to me and it feels like I'm constantly being gaslighted.
If I try to point this out, I'm told I'm being paranoid/dramatic/overreacting. This is why I screencap everything now, since so many people find my numerous claims of trolling/harassment to be unbelievable.
(I used to get attacked CONSTANTLY on one if the first message boards I belonged to (a troll account even flooded the page with insults aimed at me), and since I often ended up blowing up in frustration and hurt, the other users made my username a euphemism for a hysterical person. https://i.imgur.com/naOWDdV.jpg https://i.imgur.com/ZEt2aw3.jpg
Yes, I overreacted, but it's like they WANTED me to...why else keep at it until they literally drove me off the site?
One of the users in the first screencap, BTW, even long after admitted she hadn't been nice to me, though it was too little, too late.)
So...I have a lot of crap simmering inside me. I don't know how to handle it. I think everyone expects me to just keep taking it and shoving it down inside, even if they themselves don't. So I cry a lot, instead. Crying and hitting things is the only way I know how to deal. Others call me a crybaby because of this (it was even a childhood nickname of mine, somebody wrote it on a school bus seat)...I guess it's accurate. I look back over my posts from the many times I was upset and all I feel is humiliation. I wish I reacted like everyone else instead. Literally everybody reacts better than I do.