On Life Support
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Unable To Live, Unable To Die
Nothing Ever Works Out For Me
I feel like ****... nothing ever works out for me. I am tired of fighting, of rowing against the current, of climbing a steep hill, of living... I don't see a reward nor a purpose in all of this. I just wanted a normal life, but I am stuck in perpetual abnormality. I tried... I really did try.
I must have been cursed inside my mother's womb.
It's like you wake up one day with a good attitude , dress nicely spend hours doing your face and hair and the moment the step out your door a flock of birds flies by and ****s all over you. You are disappointed so with the little dignity that you have left you go back inside and proceed to take your clothes and makeup off and hope that tomorrow is a better day. The next day comes and the sun is shining bright, you proceed with your routine but instead of walking to your destination you decide to drive to avoid the birds. You only make it to one block as you get into a car crash. You call the insurance company , accept the fact that you will be paying higher premiums and head back home in your broken car hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. The next day the area where you live is punished with a terrible storm. High winds and torrential rain. You can't head out or do anything. Everyday some **** happens.
The future looks bleak so you take refuge in the past. You are grateful for the good memories that you have. But then all the bad memories come rushing back. At this point you evaluate your life and you come to the realization that the bad far out weights the good. When you talk to people about your feelings they say that your mind is obfuscated and that you have a "chemical imbalance" thus negating or refusing to acknowledge that your problems are rooted or have anything to do with the reality that you live in. They tell you that you should take these pills to feel better. In other words,referencing the Matrix, you need to take the blue pill and refute the reality of the red pill. You have to trick your mind into thinking that you're ok... and that the world is ok. But you and I know that they are not!
I don't know what to do. I feel unloved, alone and hopeless. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I've been dismissing the pain that I feel as a storm that will come to pass for decades. I am still that depressed teenager that you tell not to worry that life is just starting and that things will work out eventually... kind and well intentioned words perhaps, but they lack wisdom. I am 30 now and not a single thing has changed. Foocking hell! Things have gotten harder as a matter of fact.
I really tried to believe those kind words. But as I mentioned earlier things never work out.
About an hour ago I scratched my face out of anger with my nails. It felt good and liberating. I don't know if hurting myself physically feels good because the physical pain numbs the emotional pain or because I feel so bad as a human being that the ultimate conclusion is corporal punishment.It's like I am trash and trash needs to be treated like trash.
I know that it is against the rules to speak about suicide. But I am seriously contemplating it. I have no one to care for and no one to take care of me. I don't have a purpose or reason to go on. Not for anyone and not for me...maybe it is better this way. In a way I also feel bad talking about this here but I got nowhere else to go.
"Existence well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can
The past is now part of my future,
The present is well out of hand"
― Ian Curtis