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-   -   Nothing Ever Works Out For Me (https://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/nothing-ever-works-out-for-me-2231641/)

Eternal Solitude 03-21-2020 07:32 PM

Nothing Ever Works Out For Me
 
I feel like ****... nothing ever works out for me. I am tired of fighting, of rowing against the current, of climbing a steep hill, of living... I don't see a reward nor a purpose in all of this. I just wanted a normal life, but I am stuck in perpetual abnormality. I tried... I really did try.

I must have been cursed inside my mother's womb.

It's like you wake up one day with a good attitude , dress nicely spend hours doing your face and hair and the moment the step out your door a flock of birds flies by and ****s all over you. You are disappointed so with the little dignity that you have left you go back inside and proceed to take your clothes and makeup off and hope that tomorrow is a better day. The next day comes and the sun is shining bright, you proceed with your routine but instead of walking to your destination you decide to drive to avoid the birds. You only make it to one block as you get into a car crash. You call the insurance company , accept the fact that you will be paying higher premiums and head back home in your broken car hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. The next day the area where you live is punished with a terrible storm. High winds and torrential rain. You can't head out or do anything. Everyday some **** happens.

The future looks bleak so you take refuge in the past. You are grateful for the good memories that you have. But then all the bad memories come rushing back. At this point you evaluate your life and you come to the realization that the bad far out weights the good. When you talk to people about your feelings they say that your mind is obfuscated and that you have a "chemical imbalance" thus negating or refusing to acknowledge that your problems are rooted or have anything to do with the reality that you live in. They tell you that you should take these pills to feel better. In other words,referencing the Matrix, you need to take the blue pill and refute the reality of the red pill. You have to trick your mind into thinking that you're ok... and that the world is ok. But you and I know that they are not!

I don't know what to do. I feel unloved, alone and hopeless. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I've been dismissing the pain that I feel as a storm that will come to pass for decades. I am still that depressed teenager that you tell not to worry that life is just starting and that things will work out eventually... kind and well intentioned words perhaps, but they lack wisdom. I am 30 now and not a single thing has changed. Foocking hell! Things have gotten harder as a matter of fact.

I really tried to believe those kind words. But as I mentioned earlier things never work out.

About an hour ago I scratched my face out of anger with my nails. It felt good and liberating. I don't know if hurting myself physically feels good because the physical pain numbs the emotional pain or because I feel so bad as a human being that the ultimate conclusion is corporal punishment.It's like I am trash and trash needs to be treated like trash.

I know that it is against the rules to speak about suicide. But I am seriously contemplating it. I have no one to care for and no one to take care of me. I don't have a purpose or reason to go on. Not for anyone and not for me...maybe it is better this way. In a way I also feel bad talking about this here but I got nowhere else to go.

mezzoforte 03-21-2020 11:23 PM

@Eternal Solitude I just wanted to say that I often notice your posts, and you seem like a cool person. I hope things start to get better for you soon. :squeeze You're not alone.

truant 03-21-2020 11:37 PM

"Nothing Ever Works Out for Me" is the story of my life, too. I have some crazy bad luck. "Everyday some **** happens" is exactly it.

Don't feel bad about venting here. I've done it. Lots of people have. That's what we're here for. :squeeze

woighwgowho 03-25-2020 08:25 AM

You sound like me.


Mentally damaged. I need to turn off the internet and go outside. If only I could take my own advice.


I've been isolated for 15 years...



You've probably found out by now that no one gives a ****. If I had a partner or a friend maybe I wouldn't feel as alone.


But yeah, it can't get much worse.

Biyatu 03-30-2020 05:03 AM

sounds similar

Lohikaarme 05-04-2020 04:12 AM

Well, if it matters at all I don't want to see you gone. I've always enjoyed the way you write and though we aren't close, reading your thoughts on here I can sympathize with so much of what you're feeling. I think you are a fighter who is doing their best... not trash at all :)

:squeeze

irishkarl 05-04-2020 06:20 AM

hey i know how you feel

Paul 05-04-2020 07:18 AM

Neither the future nor the past makes a good refuge. The present in the only refuge. Try to cut it down to a size of present you can manage, even if that's one breath at a time. Take it as a more general principle or focus it as mindfulness medication. Not easy, but certainly almost all the contented times I've had were when I wasn't thinking about the past or future.

chrisinmd 05-04-2020 08:06 AM

Your only 30. Not young but not old. You have time to improve things and have a good life.

You said "nothing ever works out for me" Is that actually true or are you over generalizing? Do you have a job and roof over your head and food to eat? If so you are doing a lot better then a lot of people in this world.

Another thing I would say is everyone has got their crap they have to deal with in life. Some a lot more then others but nobody lives problem free.

Dont end your life. Try to set small goals everyday. Keep accomplishing a small goal every single day and a month from now you will be in a much better place. A year you will make even greater strides.

I understand what your going through. Things in my teens to mid 20's were horrible. A lot of people have taken themselves out for far less. Im 42 now. Things are not perfect by any stretch but I am so much better then back then.

So set a specific goal and take small steps everyday to get there would be my advice.

Need any more help message me. Stay safe


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