Not meant for friends....

As time passes, my notion to remain "friendless" is strengthened. It's seems as though I'm just not meant for other people nor them me.

I've tried to develop an acumen for socialization and relationships in general but nothing I have ever tried has ever worked. Really ever since I've turned 23 my will and actual effort to try and make friends has been gradually decreasing every year yet even now at 28 going on 29, I find myself still trying to fit in to some extent. Not as much as in my youth but I still do it and for what? Nothing.

I recently suffered an injury at work by slipping on some ice unintentionally. I thought I had broken my leg but I was able to get up and walk to the building. Couldn't walk on my own though starting the day after for about 2 weeks (pain lasted for 5 weeks even when I could walk again.). Luckily I had already scheduled time away from the company so the injury has been able to almost fully heal on it's own.

Why do I mention my injury? Well, some of my futile efforts to garner friends involved me giving out my phone number to some of my co-workers in an effort to fight my anxiety and depression and actually do something about it. Five of my co-workers have my number, none of them have called to this day at all or to ask if I am okay. Not that I require people to check in on me but these people approached ME first wanting to be my friend and yet they never call me, never text me. It just seems peculiar that people will ask you for friendship but then not do a damn thing to build it.

I have a thing about using the F-word - "Friends" freely. If I call someone a friend, it is because I want it to mean something. I never used it with my co-workers though and while I have given them my phone number, I never save their number or name to my contacts. What's the point? They never call or text anyways. Some of them have had my info for years and they have never used it yet still feign an interest when I'm at work.

I get that this post's subject seems quite benign; In some respects, it seems that way to me too. It just baffles me how I can never interact with people properly or build relationships. From simple problems like this, to many convoluted ones, I just can't seem to relate to people. I know that it may seem regressive but now that I'm almost 29 years old, my goals have taken a heavy turn towards making money. Not to buy fancy things or to feed into the materialism trap but to build a cabin out in the woods, live in solitude and sustain my reclusive lifestyle.


I haven't had a single friend in 18 years perhaps it should just remain that way.

If you've read this post, thank you for taking the time... I do appreciate it.

Im sorry you have had these experiences.....im friendless myself too, havent had a friend in 14 years and when i did that fella did a runner with myu money.....

anyway i have some advice for you......im a member of a mental health club, these are places where mentally ill people can go to participate in art creative writing, health management, and group therapy to name but a few activities or else you can just drop in for a coffee....it helps beat the social isolation and you will meet people who have been through this stuff ....the pepole are understanding like thois website

having social anxiety would qualify you for membership but if not just say you have depression as well....look on to it

Have you tried initiating?

ETA: I think this is one of the main issues with people with SA, including me. Our anxiety gets in the way of starting relationships.

Friends induce my anxiety and depression, because their thought process and emotions are always inconsistent. I felt more depressed when being around them. My friends lack all human features, all just an empty mind that's replaced with someone else purpose of thinking. The roboticness that dwells within my friend's actions made me change my perception about friends in general. I think of friends as a code name for the observer to judge the interaction, just like wife and a girlfriend. My mind is more healthier not being around the mentally enslaved group of people with repetitive behavior & communication.

All the conversation from my friends are robotic, as if they never were up to communicate with their real emotions with me. Dangerous!

Didn't bother to read all that, but I share your pain. Pretty much apathetic to the whole having friends now anyhow.

The few things I haven't done to try and better my circumstances have been external methods such as groups or doctors etc. Perhaps I will look into a mental health club of sorts but I always have this underlying feeling that they will not work for me. Whenever I am in a social situation, I am usually an outcast even among others with a similar disposition, not just because of shyness but sometimes a lack of interest in typical small talk banter.


Ever since elementary (grade school), if I've wanted socialization of any kind, I've had to initiate it. Even back then however I was pretty alone. In 1st grade, during recess, I walked alone around a baseball field regularly that was far from the rest of the playground. It got to a point where my teacher sent a letter home with me asking my parents if I was okay because I was always alone.

Now? I'm done with trying. It doesn't seem to work. I know that is a defeatist mentality to have. I'm more inclinded to try and achieve personal solace now.


Nice to see you posting still. I don't post much anymore myself but I remember your name.

That's the problem. The idea of having friends induces my anxiety and depression as well. As much as I sometimes want interactions; most of the time, I find conversations with people to be lacking in fulfillment. Most interactions just never feel "real" and this is something I've detailed in my posts on SAS before. I detest fake, robotic conversations yet they seem to be the basis for most human interaction so talking to people most of the time seems unproductive.

Thanks all the same. Getting to that point myself.

I feel your pain.

Whenever I engage with people, they immediately sense that something is wrong with me and so I'm immediately excluded or at the very least politely tolerated.

In my observation, even normal people have trouble making friends after they finishing their schooling. People seem to solidify their social circle during those years and it seems almost impossible to break through to them.

I'm at the point now where I've just accepted that I'll be friendless for life. But... I would love to have friendly acquaintances; and that's what I'm shooting for through volunteering. Maybe that's something you can look into as well? Don't go into it with the mentality that you're going to find a friend, but that you're helping people and using them as a way to build small social skills.

I have not had a friend in 9 years. I have come to the conclusion that the only way for me to make friends or find a possible date with a woman, is wait until someone approaches me. When I met guys or girls, I would tend to exchange phone numbers with them. THEY APPROACHED ME, mind you, and then after exchanging phone numbers, i simply waited for them to call or text and they never did. At the very least, i can say that i did not call or text them, so if any of them waited for my calls or texts back then, then they can keep waiting until hell freezes over, I have about that much pride to at least not initiate the call or text. I find that in public, very rarely a woman will show interest, and that could be my one big chance of the week, and I never approach them. I then go home and message tons of girls on online dating and nothing works out. The same applies to friends, better to let someone approach you and then attempt something like exchanging numbers as opposed to actively searching it out. If they never call or text you, then screw them, but at least you are not randomly approaching strangers like a creep, you know? I also want to live in isolation in a cabin in the woods, but I have lived for 40 years now 20 minutes from Times Square in the middle of New York City. I have gone to about 900 pro sports games in all sports and went to about 500 movies in New York City. The last 9 years, almost always alone. Weird because I tend to never want to see people or go out, I simply forced myself, my natural tendency is to isolate and avoid all interaction with people. Whoever mentioned groups for mental health, screw that. I went to a mood disorder group in New York City and showed up about 5 times. It was clear i was the weirdo even among those wackos (I was a wacko myself). I did not fit in or hit it off with anyone there, or if i did, they ghosted me after a little while. I then rarely dated gorgeous women or made friends back then with "normal" people, outside of that type of group or environment. Anyway, my point is, I would not even bother with a group like that, or at the very least not if your only real intention was wanting to meet people. Better off just living your life and if you encounter someone you will, if you don't, you don't. You really cannot force things like that, the universe doesn't work that way, if you were meant to meet X person or Y person, it has to happen naturally, that is just life. At the same time, if you never leave your house or apartment, you really have zero chance

That is too bad, it is ironic that we were sending long private messages to each other a year or 2 ago on this site, and it was taking you like 4 months to respond to my messages because of anxiety. It wasn't like i was even being critical of you. I think I sent the last private message to you 2 years ago, and i am still waiting for a response. You then posted thousands of messages on the site for the entire site to see. With all respect, if you don't even have the guts to message me back through private messages, and that was too anxiety-provoking, then i don't know how you would meet an actual friend in real life. I am not even being critical, I am just speaking in literal terms. I have no clue how sending private messages through a site can create this much fear. How would posting thousands of messages on the main site be LESS scary? God only knows

For the record, in general, I believe that for someone to be an actual friend, you would need to see the person IN PERSON maybe 2 or 3 times a week, and then maybe have phone conversations on top of it. Texting or messaging online, or E-mailing, or even Facetime or Skype, that is NOT ENOUGH to classify someone as a friend. I am just talking in general what I believe a real friend is, i am not talking about any specific person

@JohnDoe26

Volunteering is certainly on the table but my job requires being talkative in a similar vain as volunteering would. I can hold basic convo to get a task done fine. Just when it veers off into ice breakers or trying to be friendly that I have a hard time relating, caring, or just feeling fulfilled.




@Disheveled and Lost

Your reply to me is wonderful and trust me, I have begun to realize this within the last few years. After a lifetime of actually trying to be social and realizing that these typical methods just don't work for me, I know that forcing it now is moot. I just don't have "it".

If finding a woman or just regular friends happens for me great, but I am no longer seeking out people to enrich my life. They will have to come to me.

Reading your post, I really had no disagreements. We are of similar mind in this regard.

I understand especially when I started college and was told that I would meet people and have friends now Im in my senior year and I still don’t have any. It sucks because I had “friends” growing up but either moved on or they were just rude and because I was shy and dealing with my own anxiety they didn’t like hanging out with me. Im pretty sure Ive been called boring by one of them. I tried recently hanging out with people I knew from high school but it felt the same like I was the odd one out and there was no connection whatsoever. So sometimes I think maybe I am destined to be alone but I'm still holding on for someone to come along even if its just one person. Throughout it though Ive learned a lot about myself and now Im very picky when choosing who to talk to or trust which can be good and bad because I tend to judge people too quickly. So now Im just going with life and wherever that might take me who knows what will happen in the future.

Thanks, i am glad you could relate. The one positive i can think looking back on my youth, I am 43, is that I never really did try. I did very well socially based on me making little to no effort. I still overall failed miserably socially, but remember, everything is work. Whoever you think you had a chance to date or befriend, once you talked to them, it could have went great or horribly wrong, and anything or anyone of value, it takes energy. As far as trying, i regret spending so much time on dating sites mostly failing, and barely every going up to women in public. I went to about 900 pro sports games and hundreds of movies all which take time to get to, and barely met anyone on the way there and back. My point is, i would not depend on online as a way to meet people, i would just go online sparingly.

I think when I turned 13 or 14, all my friends pretty much abandoned me. Before puberty, the opposite sex (or same sex) is not a factor, so it seemed like every friend i had was very stable and trustworthy. Once people's hormones get going, friends take a back seat. i mean if your best friend at age 13 gets a girlfriend, you could want her too or get jealous. You could feel inferior because you aren't with anyone. Or she could end up taking up all your friend's time so no time to hang out. I think it becomes way more of a competition by age 14 or so, and if, like me, you were incompetent or shy or awkward with the opposite sex, and was not a great athlete or student, you can basically kiss your social life goodbye. At age 14 or 15, other students want to see you making progress dating, being popular and fun and outgoing and show signs of having a future professionally. I mean no one really cares that much but my point is that if you are NOT together in most of those areas, your friends will just take off. If you can be the life of the party in high school or college, that will mean you will have a lot of friends.

I don't even believe in the concept of friendship, because everyone has their own agenda and what they are after. Even in college, your best friend, if you have one, and all your other friends, once the semester or term is over, most people just cut you off or move on. It is very rare that people stay friends after college or high school. You are friends while you are in the trenches together and then people move on. They move to whatever state, get whatever job, get tied down by whatever girlfriend or wife that wants to go on vacation with them or wants a bigger house for when their kid or kids are born. It is sad but that is just life. Everything is basically temporary. It is sad but whatever situation you are on or whoever you are stuck with even as a co-worker or roommate you may as well just have a few laughs even if you hate them because everyone moves on, life kinda sucks and you can't really count on anyone to be there for you long-term. You probably aren't boring you just have to learn how to BS and be comfortable around people. Everything is a competition even to be witty or funny or interesting. Being that way takes work like anything else, it is not just easy

I'm not meant for friends either, I accepted that a few years ago. Before I accepted that it was emotionally more difficult to be friendless.

I could be wrong, but I sense you're taking my lack of response a bit too personally.

Unlike conversing with someone one on one privately, here I can just post my thoughts without the pressure of having to go back and forth, trying to come up with things to say.

I'm a very boring person. Sometimes I literally have nothing to say because nothing positive is going on in my life. So again, don't take it personally. I'm still open to chatting with you or anyone for that matter.

Hi, I am not really taking it that personally. I just saw your username and realized that I messaged you last probably 2 years ago and we sent long messages back and forth. You then told me that messaging was to stressful for you or anxiety-provoking, so i just remembered you when i saw the username. I am not really betrayed by you or thought long and hard about being wronged, it is just too bad. I still don't see how you could post thousands of messages on the site but private messages are too stressful for you to handle. Anyway, nothing personal, I am just stating what i felt, I am not pressuring you, if you don't want to send private messages, it is ok

I can relate to not having friends at all. I haven't had irl friends for years.
I try to keep my co-workers away from my personal life though. A few try to get close sometimes or ask about personal stuff or ask me to hang out with them, but I push them away because I know we wouldn't get along as friends and I don't want to ruin our work relation. Also, I stay secretive about my personal life so no one can use it against me if we have a disagreement at work.

I don't know what the source of the problem could be. Do you try to engage your coworkers, remember what's going on in their lives so that you have something to talk about every day? Maybe they sense that apathy and defeatism and that puts them off?

Hey

Sorry to hear, that sounds quite awful. I don't think it's our place to try and 'fit in' - after all, everyone is different in some way. It's more about finding that common ground that you can both share x

The situations you gave are at work. I think it's important to say that not everyone wants to mix their personal and professional lives, so some people will be friendly with you, but not friends. Nothing you've done wrong in that case - after all, it takes two to tango here. On people not calling you, that's sad to hear - this might sound silly, but do they know you were injured? If not, then they wouldn't have known to call you. I find in these situations that rather for waiting for others to call us, we should just call them if we want to talk to them. Some people don't like to call; some people might be so busy that it slips their mind etc. But if you call, then there's no misunderstanding - you'll both talk, and all is well. Some people say that being the initiator all the time is bad - I take a different view, in that if I want to talk to someone, I'll go and speak to them. After all, someone has to initiate, otherwise no one would ever talk. Lots of people are shy or awkward, so sometimes all it takes is for us to break the ice for a lovely friendship to flourish

Finally, I'd say that there are different levels of friends - i.e. there are things you'd tell your best friend that you wouldn't tell your boss. So perhaps work relationships at your workplace are different to that of a friend at school or in your neighbourhood. That's okay - I don't think it's so important to delve into the quality of it, whether they are a long-term friend etc. Just enjoy your time together, don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing better than you think, that's for sure!x

Much love <3

Okay, there are a few issues that you could work on here. For one thing, I'm getting the sense that you feel bitter because your coworkers didn't text you. Fact of the matter is, you can't just wait for people to text you. Nobody has it that easy where people text them out of the blue wanting to be friends. You’ll have to reach out to others and initiate contact. If you want to build a relationship with your coworkers, text them.

Another problem, you say that you never initiate. This goes back to my first point, you can't wait for someone else to initiate contact with you wanting to be your friend. Like most things in life, if you want it, you have to take steps on your own to achieve it. If you want friends, you will have to socialize and initiate with people.

I get how frustrating it is not having friends, I suck at making friends too. I get that being rejected sucks when you try to initiate and put yourself out there. However, the only way we can fix our problems is by perseverance through adversity. If the world was nice to us and just gave us everything we wanted, we'd never learn anything, and we'd never strive to improve ourselves or work on our problems. Nobody else will help you in this case, except for yourself. If someone doesn't want to be your friend, you can either wallow in rejection and give up on trying, or you can dust yourself off and try again. If you go with the latter you'll be guaranteed more success. If you go with the former, you'll only be setting yourself up for failure.

My recommendation is to work on avoiding unhealthy/irrational/detrimental types of thinking like "nobody wants to be my friend, I'm just not going to try". That type of thinking is only going to hurt you in the long run, and like I said, nobody is going to go out of their way to help you through it. I'd also reccomend working on your social anxiety, whether that be through therapy, medication, exposure, you name it. The only way any of us will be able to solve our problems is by accepting responsibility for them and actively working to fix them.