Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Virgo Supercluster
Language: English, Dutch
Summer break from work, usually that means you get to lean over and relax for a while, but that's where I am wrong. My birthday coming up, babysitting every Tuesday and Wednesday (even on my own birthday), all stress factors so I won't be able to relax after all. My mom wants me to clean the house, which I'm fine with cause it's no big deal but I can't do that every single day of my Summer break. Why do I even have a Summer break if I can't decide what I want to do?
In the meanwhile, my mind is continuing to break down. Complete absence of any positive emotions, I only laugh or smile because it's appropriate. Memory gets worse, I forget more and more things every day including the day itself. I'm no longer experiencing life like any average person would, it's more like I'm a spectator in a game or movie. I control the actions of my emotions based on what's 'normal' in society, not out of instinct. And the moment I tell someone about it, they just tell me to cheer up, get a hobby, go outside or whatever else. If it only were so easy, I wouldn't have felt this way a long time ago.
No one I can be truly honest to, nobody who understands me, always alone despite being surrounded by family and online friends. My soul is already dead, now it's just a waiting game when the same happens for my physical body.
"Like a book isolated on a shelf with no one to read it yet judge it for its amount of pages. I feel such way."
"Just because you're breathing, doesn't mean you're alive."