(No Quoting, Only Venting) What’s Bothering You Right Now? - Page 71 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1401 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-22-2020, 02:58 PM
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Whoops, I almost replied to someone. Probably not a good idea. I don't want to be giving unsolicited advice, because I often hate getting advice when I never asked for it.

Anyway, I'm not doing amazing, but not terrible either. What's bothering me... hmm... I'm still struggling with feelings of isolation and social exclusion, not to mention general dislike of myself and my body. The coronavirus thing isn't bothering me too much right now, although I had a few sleepless night because of coronavirus anxiety.
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post #1402 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-23-2020, 10:15 AM
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I hope my Summer doesnt get ruined this year.
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post #1403 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-23-2020, 11:11 AM
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I don't understand. At all.
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post #1404 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-23-2020, 11:31 AM
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I thought 2019 was bad, but 2020 is doing a really good job of being absolutely devastating.

It is the light she longs to find,
When she delights in learning more.
Her world is learning; it defines
The destiny she’s reaching for

- Marie Curie
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post #1405 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-23-2020, 11:40 AM
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Forgot/ignored Mother's Day yesterday (UK). Mother emailed with a guilt trip about how she loves all her babies and how we were all so wanted etc. It's funny how she only ever wants to act like a mother or be recognised as one when it means praise for her.

I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning
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post #1406 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-23-2020, 01:53 PM
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I'm very annoyed. My mother sent me a birthday card in the mail with money and gift cards. I didnt. get it again just like I didnt get it last year. I told her last year after I didnt get it that one time not to send it in the mail again cause it could get stolen. I was told that even if its money inside a card it can get stolen and now I'm being told that if the money is inside the card that it more than likely didnt get stolen. But I got my. aunt's birthday card so I dont see how I didnt get hers. I told her I'd pay her back for the money she sent but I'd hate to do that for something that I couldnt control cause I'm not rich. But it pisses me off her money got wasted like that. I dont. know if it got lost. If she put gift cards in there it probably had a bit of weight to it. I told her not to send money in the mail to me. And I know she sent it to the right PO box. Cause you shouldnt have to tell someone so many times about what PO box to send it to. It might have gotten lost but I doubt that. And if it did there needs to be a better system for mail. Thanks coronavirus once again for not letting me meet up with my mother and making her waste her money like that.
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post #1407 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-24-2020, 12:18 AM
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The passive aggressive and angry tension. I can sense it. I can feel it. I am expecting it her to blow up on me in the next few days. As usual, I have no idea what the reason is. But usually, there is no reason. It's random. It's periodical. The stress pents up enough, she blows. And I am usually the prime go-to target for this.

^^^ Gibberish ^^^


Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #1408 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-24-2020, 02:02 AM
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The anxiety regular people get from this lockdown, I don’t mind at all other than figuring out gov’t assistance
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post #1409 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-25-2020, 02:27 PM
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Feeling sad being this confined. As insane as it is I miss work, and going to school, and I know everyones world has been more or less flipped upside down and it's something we have to handle. But it's seriously messing with my depression, especially on days that aren't sunny but cold and cloudy. I miss the basic things. While i'm not the most social person I still found happiness in simply being around other people. Having a previous history of being housebound due to anxiety ironically doesn't make staying home 24/7 easier.

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
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post #1410 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-25-2020, 07:02 PM
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I guess I'm depressed today, I don't know. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears and I have to keep distracting myself from it.

It probably has to do with feeling alone. Or maybe I just bottle it up and ignore it until it starts bothering me too much.
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post #1411 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-26-2020, 02:40 AM
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I need to get better at not caring about superficial things and feelings that really will have little to no relevant impact on me. My self esteem and self worth should not be amongst those relevances. They have little bearing on me real livelihood. They are just superficial feelings. They only matter how much I let them matter.

^^^ Gibberish ^^^


Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #1412 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-26-2020, 02:43 PM
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Many things.

Now I'm Nothing
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post #1413 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-26-2020, 11:45 PM
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boredom. intense, unbearable boredom.
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post #1414 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-28-2020, 06:15 AM
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I'm trying so hard to hold it together but everyday something goes wrong. I have so much crap to do but all I've done today is punch the wall and cry in my bathroom. Life... it never works out, no matter how much I try it never effing works out and I'm so tired.

more issues than vogue
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post #1415 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-28-2020, 12:20 PM
Half agony, half hope.
 
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Mm, I'm sad. I think I'm just going to have to come to terms that some days (probably more often than not given everything) I'm probably going to be depressed. I don't feel like I have a purpose right now. I think that's what I'm so uneasy about? it's good that schooling online will start up next week, but I am concerned about the future of everything. No one really knows what to expect and it's getting to me.

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
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post #1416 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-28-2020, 03:53 PM
pls don't eat bats, thnx
 
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bored.

bored bored bored bored.

bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.

bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.


edit;
so bored I went bored squared.

I like donuts

Last edited by unemployment simulator; 03-28-2020 at 03:57 PM. Reason: bored
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post #1417 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-28-2020, 07:11 PM
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Rhubarb is trying to take over the world.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #1418 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-29-2020, 08:43 PM
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This world is ****ed.
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post #1419 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-29-2020, 09:29 PM
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Mind feels so congested. I need a break to slow down and process everything. Away from most technology preferably.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ominous Indeed View Post
Isn't it a bit early to worry about that at 7 years old?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chevy396 View Post
I don't believe you at all about the taste. You are vegan anyway, so how would you know what meat tastes like. I get sick of vegans saying it tastes the same and then you bite into it and it's horrible.
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post #1420 of 1435 (permalink) Old 03-30-2020, 12:03 PM
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Wasn't going to use the spoiler tag but I may as well. It isn't romantic woes (I've learned nobody has sympathy for an FA woman like me, not even other FA women) but it's probably just as annoying.

...You know what, I was going to post this in "Type what you're thinking about right now," but I'm going to put it in the no-reply thread instead. Not that I discourage getting replies, but I expect this won't inspire any commiseration anyway so it's better off there.


 
I strongly suspect more than one user I've never had any conflicts with (that I can recall) has/have me on their ignore list. More than once I've quoted or replied to them, and they simply never respond to me, while replying to others. :/ It's confusing and kind of hurtful because with at least some of them, they're users I like and we tend to agree on things, but I guess the feeling goes only one way. Same as most of the times I respect/admire somebody then belatedly learn they've secretly despised me the entire time.

A few times, I've proactively protected myself from "problem users" who either tend to get into lots of conflicts (just a note to show I'm aware, I suppose to some I could fall in that category myself), or else hold strong views that directly conflict with mine, or else just give me an "off" vibe (my intuition on "off" vibes is usually right, I often get outside confirmation, and I regret when I ignore it), by putting them on my ignore list or deciding to never respond to their posts. This has never caused much issue because those users tend to avoid or ignore me, too. But with the ones I'd actually agree and get along with, it confuses me. It's like I'm invisible. It can't be anxiety, because like I said they communicate with others just fine. It can't be avoidance of potential conflict, because they argue with other users, and usually I'm agreeing with them. All I can think of is...it's me. Me as a person. "Oh there's Tehuti again, annoying, whiny, dramatic Tehuti...don't want to get sucked into or even associate with that black hole of misery and self-pity [even if my post has zero to do with either]...ignore."

It makes me think of the times I used to get mild crushes on male users here and I'd try talking to them a little bit, not flirting or anything, no, since I know no guy will ever see me as a romantic prospect, but mostly to be nice and show interest when they were insisting no women could ever be interested in them...they would never respond to me. It was like I wasn't even there. Yet I know it wasn't their anxiety keeping them silent because they would willingly chat back and forth with younger, more attractive female users...a few times they'd even leave the site for a while, then return, and in the meantime they'd been involved in a relationship. These guys who were positive no woman would give them the time of day. I honestly started to feel like, all I have to do is get a crush on a lonely guy and his life is set, he'll get a GF now. I'm a good-luck charm for lonely guys to hook up...just not with me.

It was even worse the few times I dated to comment on an insecure guy's appearance...those guys always ended up leaving the site entirely shortly after. Even a gay guy I defended against another male user criticizing his looks. I'm mortified realizing how humiliating it must be for a guy to be complimented by a fat old cow like me. I never meant to make them uncomfortable. And it really must have been me, because when others complimented them, they stuck around. So that's why I don't comment on guys' looks anymore, they don't like that when it's coming from me. But anyway, this reminds me of that, that my mere existence, something about me, rubs people the wrong way and for their own peace of mind they find it more tolerable to ignore me outright.

It also makes me think of interactions I had on Reddit during my absence. A few times, users under throwaway or alt accounts contacted me. Whether I responded or not, a short while later, they would delete their comments to me--including supportive ones--and would often delete their entire account, as well. This made me feel that people in general are too uncomfortable to communicate with me under their real names/usernames, even if they're the ones establishing contact and/or they're being positive, and want a quick "out" in case I turn out to be even more unpleasant than they suspect. (This fear is not entirely unfounded. I deliberately warn people now that I'm unpleasant and they shouldn't waste their time on me, so why any of them bother, especially when it's obvious they themselves think it could be a bad idea, I don't understand.) I also suspect these people don't want their regular/main username associated with me in any way--see the above, re: "There's Tehuti again..."--so, best to use a throwaway when reaching out to me, and simply erase the trail afterwards.

I'm apparently so unpleasant a person that people I barely even interact with have to take these measures to protect themselves. Like I'm a contaminant that has to be washed off.

I understand why people react like this when reaching out in friendship (even though I don't understand WHY they try reaching out despite the warnings) or when I've made a comment that could be misconstrued as me showing romantic interest ("Ew, oh God, oh no, is SHE the best I could do??")...but when it's somebody I merely agree with, or even admire somewhat (in a completely platonic way)...I don't really understand. I knew I was awful and offensive and best avoided but I didn't think I was THAT awful that even people I agree with and have never had any conflict with (that I can recall) are so skeeved out by me that they're forced to pretend I'm not there.

...I know somebody could brush all this aside with a mere "You're overthinking it" but the silence from the other parties is right there. Time after time. If it was just once or twice, I could shrug it off, but this has been over and over, for years, on more than one site. I'm the only common denominator. So obviously, I'm the problem, even if I can't figure out why.

Tl;dr:

And I don't expect that anyone will bother reading through all this, but if you do and your reaction is to roll your eyes and type, "You're overthinking it," please refrain, otherwise I'll take that as a sign my posts are as annoying and unwanted as ever and I'll shut up again. If I had somewhere else to pour this out, I would. But people can't stand me anywhere and it really hurts.


Not proofed.

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

***

(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)

Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

***

"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island
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