What are schizoids scared of?
Being controlled, treated like an object, harmed, ‘contaminated’, appropriated.
Marginalized and appropriated, the future schizoid grows up hypersensitive to all perceived threats to self-preservation, desperately relying on various techniques to keep the other at bay. These techniques can be viewed on a continuum, the most severe being similar to the contemporary schizoid DSM nomenclature characterised by emotional coldness, detachment, reduced affect, a seemingly limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others, a consistent preference for solitary activities, indifference to either praise or criticism, a lack of desire for sexual experiences and finally, a preoccupation with fantasy and introspection. It was initially Fairbairn who also introduced the notion that this characterisation of the schizoid is limited, as many schizoids (called “secret schizoids” by Ralph Klein) actually seem socially available, interested, and engaged (Fairbairn’s schizoid exhibitionism), yet remain emotionally withdrawn and sequestered within the safety of their internal worlds. Fairbairn added that techniques such as role playing and exhibitionism may be used by schizoid individuals as ways to reveal, while still not giving of, themselves, thereby protecting the self from appropriation.
Would I still feel this way if society wasn't actively trying to make me disappear though? Probably. Maybe it just makes it worse. Like it's no longer just interpersonal it's also on a societal level.
Based on the work of Fairbairn and Guntrip, Ralph Klein, relying on a developmental, self and object relations approach, conceptualized a split intra-psychic paradigm as characteristic of the schizoid conflict. In his model he describes two separate but inter-related ‘units’ – each with its own unique self-representation, object representation and linking affect (see figure below). The units are described as the master/slave (attachment) and the sadistic object/self-in-exile (nonattachment) units. In the master/slave unit the object representation is one of a maternal part-object that is experienced and internalized as manipulative and coercive, that is, a master that only wants to ‘use’ the person. The part self-representation is one of a dependent slave who provides a function for the enslaving object and is, as such, a subordinate. The central affect linking the part representations is one of being jailed but connected, and the relief of not being totally alienated.
A classic case of such is described by Klein: “(Like) a puppet on a ventriloquist’s knee… I was trapped… unable to move or act except as she commanded me to do. I had a mind of my own, but it made no difference. No one cared and no one asked. I simply mouthed the words that she wanted and expected to hear. And if I didn’t submit, I felt I would be discarded. Put aside. I would be away from her control, but I would be alone, exiled. To stay connected I had to be her slave.” (Klein, 1995:62).
The only significant things that stand out to me that I remember from therapy was my therapist changing the topic one time when I wanted to talk about my motivation issues, and then towards the end she said something like 'I feel like I'm losing you here.. I can't make you do anything I'm not your boss.' Which seemed significant even before I started reading about this over the last year or so. I was sort of vaguely following a path to have something to do but it wasn't something I really cared about at all, because I don't care about most things. At the time there was something else I wanted to do but it was also too out of reach and not really something that I could use 12 sessions of therapy to help with.
Many of my narcissistic clients report growing up in a home ruled by a domineering narcissistic parent whom they were expected to obey and idealize. High achievement was valued, while empathy and compassion were not.
It's funny because there have been many times where I wished my home was more like that growing up, because it was the opposite and nobody cared about that at all especially my mum. I guess my dad did a bit more though but still not really that involved during my teen years. I feel like it left me really struggling to bother continuing with anything, or achieving anything. My mum felt her mum was too bossy so she just took the opposite extreme approach. So I never felt that achievement for the sake of it was really important. I don't think I care about that though, I'd just like the motivation and goal direction/organisation etc to do something creative and complete things.
They were much better explained by the issues associated with schizoid personality disorder: fear of intimacy, a need to control interpersonal distance, and a concern that the only way not to be trapped and controlled was to dilute the intimacy by either choosing unavailable people or by introducing another person into the relationship.
I don't know that I do this consciously it's more just like other people's clingyness is unattractive immediately, but then what if they were someone I found really attractive? Eh I guess I did have that experience though with my first relationship but not enough evidence. I feel like this dates to something that happened in childhood though maybe where I was playing around with some boy though I wasn't attracted to him because this was like child stuff, but I was in control (? I guess,) and initiating everything and not really thinking much, then when they expressed their own request of me I found that distressing. Maybe disgusting? And recoiled. This is just making me think of a certain schizoid serial killer again.
Concerning sexual murderers, they are often diagnosed with a PD, especially with Schizoid PD .
What a fun personality to have.
I'm going kind of insane because I can never be alone. It's definitely tied to sensory stuff everything is constantly intruding like I want to escape the sounds of people, but it seems kind of autism-ish too, it's getting a lot worse though either way (the tolerance.) I'm so crazy.
Don't even feel comfortable posting this in this thread right now, but guess I will. I feel more safe here than anywhere else, it would be tons worse trying to have this as a conversation with someone irl but at the same time I don't feel safe here either for good reason.