(No Quoting, Only Venting) What’s Bothering You Right Now? - Page 66 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1301 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-17-2020, 08:51 AM
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I really do feel terrible today, I think I'll go to bed soon.
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post #1302 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-18-2020, 04:45 PM
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I practically have to starve myself to lose weight. Why is it so ****ing hard?
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post #1303 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-19-2020, 06:39 PM
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My body is complete trash as usual.
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post #1304 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-21-2020, 12:20 AM
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I keep dreaming about him on my days off from work. So I'll wake up at 3 am to make it stop. It sucks.
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post #1305 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-21-2020, 04:23 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
What are schizoids scared of?
Quote:
Being controlled, treated like an object, harmed, ‘contaminated’, appropriated.
Quote:
Marginalized and appropriated, the future schizoid grows up hypersensitive to all perceived threats to self-preservation, desperately relying on various techniques to keep the other at bay. These techniques can be viewed on a continuum, the most severe being similar to the contemporary schizoid DSM nomenclature characterised by emotional coldness, detachment, reduced affect, a seemingly limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others, a consistent preference for solitary activities, indifference to either praise or criticism, a lack of desire for sexual experiences and finally, a preoccupation with fantasy and introspection. It was initially Fairbairn who also introduced the notion that this characterisation of the schizoid is limited, as many schizoids (called “secret schizoids” by Ralph Klein) actually seem socially available, interested, and engaged (Fairbairn’s schizoid exhibitionism), yet remain emotionally withdrawn and sequestered within the safety of their internal worlds. Fairbairn added that techniques such as role playing and exhibitionism may be used by schizoid individuals as ways to reveal, while still not giving of, themselves, thereby protecting the self from appropriation.
Would I still feel this way if society wasn't actively trying to make me disappear though? Probably. Maybe it just makes it worse. Like it's no longer just interpersonal it's also on a societal level.

Quote:
Based on the work of Fairbairn and Guntrip, Ralph Klein, relying on a developmental, self and object relations approach, conceptualized a split intra-psychic paradigm as characteristic of the schizoid conflict. In his model he describes two separate but inter-related ‘units’ – each with its own unique self-representation, object representation and linking affect (see figure below). The units are described as the master/slave (attachment) and the sadistic object/self-in-exile (nonattachment) units. In the master/slave unit the object representation is one of a maternal part-object that is experienced and internalized as manipulative and coercive, that is, a master that only wants to ‘use’ the person. The part self-representation is one of a dependent slave who provides a function for the enslaving object and is, as such, a subordinate. The central affect linking the part representations is one of being jailed but connected, and the relief of not being totally alienated.

A classic case of such is described by Klein: “(Like) a puppet on a ventriloquist’s knee… I was trapped… unable to move or act except as she commanded me to do. I had a mind of my own, but it made no difference. No one cared and no one asked. I simply mouthed the words that she wanted and expected to hear. And if I didn’t submit, I felt I would be discarded. Put aside. I would be away from her control, but I would be alone, exiled. To stay connected I had to be her slave.” (Klein, 1995:62).


The only significant things that stand out to me that I remember from therapy was my therapist changing the topic one time when I wanted to talk about my motivation issues, and then towards the end she said something like 'I feel like I'm losing you here.. I can't make you do anything I'm not your boss.' Which seemed significant even before I started reading about this over the last year or so. I was sort of vaguely following a path to have something to do but it wasn't something I really cared about at all, because I don't care about most things. At the time there was something else I wanted to do but it was also too out of reach and not really something that I could use 12 sessions of therapy to help with.

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Many of my narcissistic clients report growing up in a home ruled by a domineering narcissistic parent whom they were expected to obey and idealize. High achievement was valued, while empathy and compassion were not.
It's funny because there have been many times where I wished my home was more like that growing up, because it was the opposite and nobody cared about that at all especially my mum. I guess my dad did a bit more though but still not really that involved during my teen years. I feel like it left me really struggling to bother continuing with anything, or achieving anything. My mum felt her mum was too bossy so she just took the opposite extreme approach. So I never felt that achievement for the sake of it was really important. I don't think I care about that though, I'd just like the motivation and goal direction/organisation etc to do something creative and complete things.

Quote:
They were much better explained by the issues associated with schizoid personality disorder: fear of intimacy, a need to control interpersonal distance, and a concern that the only way not to be trapped and controlled was to dilute the intimacy by either choosing unavailable people or by introducing another person into the relationship.
I don't know that I do this consciously it's more just like other people's clingyness is unattractive immediately, but then what if they were someone I found really attractive? Eh I guess I did have that experience though with my first relationship but not enough evidence. I feel like this dates to something that happened in childhood though maybe where I was playing around with some boy though I wasn't attracted to him because this was like child stuff, but I was in control (? I guess,) and initiating everything and not really thinking much, then when they expressed their own request of me I found that distressing. Maybe disgusting? And recoiled. This is just making me think of a certain schizoid serial killer again.

Quote:
Concerning sexual murderers, they are often diagnosed with a PD, especially with Schizoid PD [40].
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6086037/

What a fun personality to have.

I'm going kind of insane because I can never be alone. It's definitely tied to sensory stuff everything is constantly intruding like I want to escape the sounds of people, but it seems kind of autism-ish too, it's getting a lot worse though either way (the tolerance.) I'm so crazy.

Don't even feel comfortable posting this in this thread right now, but guess I will. I feel more safe here than anywhere else, it would be tons worse trying to have this as a conversation with someone irl but at the same time I don't feel safe here either for good reason.
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post #1306 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-21-2020, 12:54 PM
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Relentless misery.

Now I'm Nothing
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post #1307 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-21-2020, 01:07 PM
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I don't know how to draw my eyebrows.

Booked a date with the optometrist for tomorrow but really feel like backing out.

Feeling tired and sleepy but I don't want to sleep because I don't want tomorrow to come.
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post #1308 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-21-2020, 01:16 PM
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I'm tired all day up until the point when I go to bed, and then I can't fall asleep.
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post #1309 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-21-2020, 05:06 PM
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post #1310 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-22-2020, 12:04 AM
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Mom puts me down and flat out insults me to my face out of random, saying I am probably one of the worst human being she knows. I ignore her and tune her out. She becomes upset I don't acknowledge her insult with enthusiastic agreement. And she keeps scream asking me if I agree or disagree with her insult of me. Probably would have been much easier if she just cut to the chase and tells me "I want a shouting match here right now! Go!"

It's becoming increasingly obvious she has an emotional and personality disorder. What's frustrating is she only does this to a selective handful of people. To everyone else, she is one of the most pleasant and easy going person, as many have coined her to be.

Sigh... I despise her. So much. <So many recurring dreams in the past year where I am screaming this phrase to her in her face. It felt so darn good when I did. But of course they only happened in dreams.

The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #1311 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-22-2020, 11:50 AM
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My "best friend" (and only offline friend) from Boston has been in LA for a few days now. I haven't seen her in 6 years but we've been talking online everyday...Silly me, thinking she would want to meet up with me. As soon as I asked her about hanging out, she started ghosting me. Part of me expected it, but I still feel a little salty. 🙃
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post #1312 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-22-2020, 12:54 PM
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Just bumped into someone I really didn't want to see. Not sure why it irks the hell out of me like it does...

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post #1313 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-22-2020, 09:39 PM
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Noisy upstairs neighbours. I feel like getting my broom and poking hard at the ceiling like an old person.
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post #1314 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-22-2020, 10:23 PM
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post #1315 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-23-2020, 02:11 PM
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They mistook my kindness for weakness. I ****ed up, I know that, but Jesus? Can't a girl just do the best she can?
Catch a wave and take in the sweetness. Think about it, the darkness, the deepness. All the things that make me who I am

And who I am is a big-time believer That people can change, but you don't have to leave her. When everyone's talking, you can make a stand


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post #1316 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 01:56 PM
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contact with my dad after he's been spending time with my brother... makes me feel odd. definitely not part of family, but also remind self that the image of family he is presenting is false. some wonderful fatherly advice: get a new job and a new flat. like it can happen by magic to find a good one of either. why don't i just invest all my money in lottery tickets?

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
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post #1317 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-25-2020, 07:00 PM
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Why can't I be put out of my misery?
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post #1318 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-26-2020, 06:57 AM
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I am miserable today. Don’t feel great because it is that time of the month plus all the other things bothering me. A very bad storm is coming tomorrow and I’m not sure I can handle it. Work is just awful and I care less and less each day.
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post #1319 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-26-2020, 02:24 PM
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I always feel so annoyingggg
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post #1320 of 2119 (permalink) Old 02-26-2020, 03:25 PM
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I want so much out of this year, but I feel like there's a multitude of sacrifices waiting for me. I want to do something for my community now, and eventually branch out. I don't care how hard I have to work.

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Isn't it a bit early to worry about that at 7 years old?
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Originally Posted by Chevy396 View Post
I don't believe you at all about the taste. You are vegan anyway, so how would you know what meat tastes like. I get sick of vegans saying it tastes the same and then you bite into it and it's horrible.
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