Whenever I come back here it's generally not a good sign, and it's definitely been a while. Things have certainly calmed down, settled into place, but I am always struggling with the lingering issues that haven't dwell down enough. I've gone through three different medication trials beginning around this time last year, and to no avail, no relief, no difference. I purposely quit and held off from medication for this reason before, because of the neverending frustration of trying something new, hoping it'll work, even just slightly, and not feeling any different after a month or two. Rinse and repeat. My anxiety at this stage in my life isn't nearly as debilitating as it was before, but I hate that I feel very much the same as I did years and years ago in uncomfortable situations, or sometimes it feels like someone flips a switch at any random occurrence and I suddenly go downhill. Those are the lingering feelings that make it very difficult for me to be productive or feel like my life is worth anything. As such things go, the unfairness in the effort, time, monetary aspect I've put into all of this just to feel the same.. I really would love to tell my psychiatrist to go **** herself, but this feels more like an issue of my poisoned brain, whether whatever neurological roadblocks it has, if I've any receptors to sense anything anymore. I may as well just flush everything down because it feels like everything I've put into my body is a placebo or a sugar pill.
I'm frustrated because I'm at a point where I'm tired of feeling like this, it's something that I should've been able to control years ago, but I'm still more or less here to a degree that is uncomfortable. I feel like I've given enough of my time to start feeling better but that is a principle that has never applied to me. My partner was able to start a medication five years ago and it still works for him the same way the day he started it, and it angers me greatly, because I know my life would never grant me that sort of simplicity or easiness in terms of trying to help myself.
I don't want anxiety to keep controlling me, but it's feeling awfully like I'm just going to have to deal feeling this way for the rest of my life considering how all of the treatments I've attempted have worked out. I feel like I can live okay despite it, but it's the scratch I can never seem to itch, never getting any relief whatsoever, and that in itself is painful.