(No Quoting, Only Venting) What’s Bothering You Right Now? - Page 63 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1241 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-09-2020, 06:56 PM
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that was totally my bad >_<

Having SA feels like being a scratched up LP that keeps getting stuck at exactly 10 seconds into Track 02.
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post #1242 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-10-2020, 12:34 PM
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i can't kill myself just because i bought a box of plastic pens.

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
―Balon Greyjoy
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post #1243 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 10:58 AM
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Whenever I come back here it's generally not a good sign, and it's definitely been a while. Things have certainly calmed down, settled into place, but I am always struggling with the lingering issues that haven't dwell down enough. I've gone through three different medication trials beginning around this time last year, and to no avail, no relief, no difference. I purposely quit and held off from medication for this reason before, because of the neverending frustration of trying something new, hoping it'll work, even just slightly, and not feeling any different after a month or two. Rinse and repeat. My anxiety at this stage in my life isn't nearly as debilitating as it was before, but I hate that I feel very much the same as I did years and years ago in uncomfortable situations, or sometimes it feels like someone flips a switch at any random occurrence and I suddenly go downhill. Those are the lingering feelings that make it very difficult for me to be productive or feel like my life is worth anything. As such things go, the unfairness in the effort, time, monetary aspect I've put into all of this just to feel the same.. I really would love to tell my psychiatrist to go **** herself, but this feels more like an issue of my poisoned brain, whether whatever neurological roadblocks it has, if I've any receptors to sense anything anymore. I may as well just flush everything down because it feels like everything I've put into my body is a placebo or a sugar pill.

I'm frustrated because I'm at a point where I'm tired of feeling like this, it's something that I should've been able to control years ago, but I'm still more or less here to a degree that is uncomfortable. I feel like I've given enough of my time to start feeling better but that is a principle that has never applied to me. My partner was able to start a medication five years ago and it still works for him the same way the day he started it, and it angers me greatly, because I know my life would never grant me that sort of simplicity or easiness in terms of trying to help myself.

I don't want anxiety to keep controlling me, but it's feeling awfully like I'm just going to have to deal feeling this way for the rest of my life considering how all of the treatments I've attempted have worked out. I feel like I can live okay despite it, but it's the scratch I can never seem to itch, never getting any relief whatsoever, and that in itself is painful.
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post #1244 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-11-2020, 08:34 PM
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People who try to 'teach you a lesson' but have no idea what they are talking about. I love to see the look on their face when they quickly realise that they're talking to the wrong guy.lol
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post #1245 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 02:20 PM
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My job sucks right now and I really need to get my stuff together so I can start looking for a new one. Just one of the many things making me miserable these days.
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post #1246 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-12-2020, 08:16 PM
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waiting for my end, wish it came today
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post #1247 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 01:25 PM
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honestly I am getting so ****ing fed up with my neighbourhood again. tried to walk it to the gym because I couldn't afford the bus. the damn sea walk was flooded again, absolutely impassable. so I have to walk along the cliffs the winds up here are flippin crazy on a day like today, I weigh 200+ lbs and I had difficulty holding my footing and walking straight! absolutely exhausted. ontop of that i've got another damn neighbour harassing me! ****ing sick of this ****! I just want to live in peace, everywhere I go people start **** with me and you get one bully who tries to make everyone turn against you. i'm fed up with it. ontop of that there are these little things that bloody wind me up, like the landlord being in the shop until 8pm at night. the fact he is so controlling over the bin and putting it out. i've put it out before and he's wheeled it back in again!! I have to walk all the way around the corner just to put it out which is a pain in the neck especially when people keep ****ing around with it. oh and i'm getting post for a neighbour who doesn't live here anymore, he left over a year ago. I keep writing on the letters return to sender not known at this address, doesn't do any ****ing good, still get post for him here.

I like donuts
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post #1248 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 01:35 PM
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oh and there is loads of other **** like bug infestations, paint peeling off the walls. a toilet that never flushes properly. stupid taps and shower. smells that come up from the drains. stuff I have complained to the estate agents about but they have done nothing.

I like donuts
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post #1249 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 07:54 PM
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I'm so tired of exercising at home. My room is so small to work out. It takes two steps just to walk to my door. And I wont walk down the road with cars going by near my neighborhood. Too awkward.

There's hardly any room to do jumping jacks in this small room that's only like twice the size of a small bathroom. I think a better exercise would be just to go on a damn treadmill at the gym but I don't want people giving me looks like I stand out. I don't really have the best gym clothes to wear, either. Might need to buy some before I go to the gym. Twice a week wouldnt hurt. Would be nice to have two days off in a row every week to make it easier to get crap done.

Theres a gym only a few minutes away and I could easily go.
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post #1250 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 11:28 PM
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Crying myself to sleep every night.
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post #1251 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-14-2020, 11:41 PM
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thats me lately. im agoraphobic, deserted all my real life friends, went through a bad breakup over a month and i cant deal.. i feel like im going to hyperventilate so much of the time or im always crying at night.. sigh. im sorry youre having it rough as well
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post #1252 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-15-2020, 08:43 AM
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Going to work everyday is gut wrenching. The more I try to keep to myself the more judgement and prying I attract. I've become a favorite topic of gossip and people make up all kinds of crazy hostile things about me.

Chicken boy is the worst as I call him. He likes to follow me around clucking like a chicken. He's gotten so good at it that I think he actually practices.

He knows when I'm nervous, because he does it whenever my anxiety shows. If I have to say something over the radio, he'll even come on the radio immediately after me and do the noise. He also does it after I sound nervous while talking to someone, he'll walk by me and do the noise while I'm struggling to get the words out.

Even the chick I have a crush on makes comments about how I think "girls are scary".

I feel ashamed of myself pretty much all day everyday that I'm there.
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post #1253 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-16-2020, 10:37 AM
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Winter is back with a vengeance, my job still sucks and my level of anger and frustration at pretty much everyone and everything grows larger every day.
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post #1254 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-16-2020, 10:48 PM
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post #1255 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-17-2020, 06:14 PM
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chirping - tinnitus, animal, or hallucination? - looked but not found - no way to tell!

The best things in life are free, but so are the worst things. And you need money to avoid those.
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post #1256 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-17-2020, 07:20 PM
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I have to do something social this weekend that I don't want to do, and I'm dreading it.

Now I'm Nothing
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post #1257 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-17-2020, 07:33 PM
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I must have said something wrong.
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post #1258 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 08:42 AM
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Nothing is enjoyable anymore, just basically going thru the motions right now. So hopeless right now.
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post #1259 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 09:49 AM
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Jason V is back
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post #1260 of 1273 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 10:30 AM
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Its been a long time since I have posted in here. My first account was back in 2014. When I use to be a regular. My life has been so up and down. It is crazy. And unthinkable of what iv been through. I could write a book. I felt I needed to come back here and post because I feel so alone and it is a good outlet. The things I have been through are insane. I'm still trying to figure out if I have a trait of autism or if I'm just not interested in talking as much as others and socialising. Because of depression. Or because how my life has been the past 11 years and who it's made me become. I know what I need to say and should say. But I can't always manage to get the words out of my mouth. I'd rather be the quiet one and not connect as much. The truth is I'm afraid to be myself. It is also social anxiety. Having a few different jobs this past year has slightly helped when it comes to social anxiety. But I have been in so much messed up situations. And I need to try and rebuild myself it's the only way my life will ever get any better. I think people see that I have a heart of gold but it takes time.. maybe too much time before they get past the intiall thought of she's so snobby and doesn't talk much. It's takes me too long to open up. And feel comfortable expressing myself to someone. Iv definitely learnt I need to be in a job that involves talking to people at least sometimes. Everything currently is basically at Rock bottom. I'm not looking forward to anything. Only dreading upcoming social events. For example I haven't seen my family or relatives for a long time and there going to expect me to conversate with them and explain my endeavours. Which I'm dreading because I'd rather say it was good. And leave it at that. Especially to my relatives of course my close family will be different. Iv contemplated suicide many times. But decided I will always live for my Neice and nephews if not myself. Time for interpersonal changes. I want 2020 to be the year I become myself and not change for anyone. And just be comfortable with who I am. And the interpersonal consequences of that. If any.
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