For most if not my whole life I have been **** on some way or another. It makes me wonder at times if it’s worth to live with this type of existence, by choice or not, because in the end I’m nothing. The only thing I’m good for is to moan and only imagine as to how it could all be fixed in any possible way before ‘going that route.’ Then that’s when I have nights that end like this - alone, not bearing with myself even while just doing nothing but staring at the walls, accompanied by ‘the silence’ as I attempt to go to bed. Mind wondering every which way but what I need to focus on.
I mean, I know that it can be worse and I have went through worse than what I have now. But it’s just wanting to find some sort of meaning out of all of it. My options are very limited and when having that ‘want’ type of mentality while knowing the reality, it’s the worst. I promised myself not to do it since it’s one of the core values (or whatever one can call it) if I really am wanting to thrive in this world. Pretty ironic.
TL;DNR - just complaining over the fact that I complain about my pathetic existence, basically.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly. - Theodore Roosevelt