Some people really love their children, but it just puts a big black hole in my heart when I get off the phone to parents having had nice interesting conversations discussing their child's psyche/development/behaviour and past/future predictors/comparing our own upbringings and behaviour patterns.. then it's like "gee wish my parents and teachers cared for me the same way".
I hate not being loved, and I really long for emotional depth/connection from people. It honestly feels like my parents are just NPCs, though that could just be because we don't have a close emotional relationship. It feels like we're from opposite planets though...
Still makes me angry, "father" repetitively ripping the door open each time I closed it whenever there was some fight. I closed it because I wanted to be alone and feel safe and away. His responses "You've ****ign had enough time alone keep the ****ing door open" after violently grabbing my hair and pulling me side to side.
Both of them dismissing my introversion passionately, thinking there's something incredibly wrong with me.
Well yeh, there's something wrong with me, HAVING HAD TO LIVE
through your parenting.
Teachers/counselors spouting "he lacks confidence x y z" holy ****, remember that session where there was both counselors and 1 teacher and then you were both there, and all of you were basically invalidating who I was, saying I need this and this and this.
It's like holy ****, can't you see the problem is family life, of course you can't because my parents will play saint and omit everything... there's no self-reflection whatsoever. No guilt or no "I could've done better here...", it's all my fault huh.
God, you're such a ****ing *******. At least you didn't choke me like you did him. I even got a false apology from you because one of the counselors talked about police charges. Like **** off you're so insincere it makes me boil, can you just **** off and not say Happy Bday to me too because you feel you "have to". You don't know me at all, I honestly don't care for things like "How are you?" "Thankyou" "Please" unless it's sincere which you are not.
LOL. I ****ing hated you holy ****. I just kept making excuses up for you until I came of age. I used to say all the time I didn't love you when I was a child (because of things like this), and both of you used to aggressively punish me for it.
You know what's the most painful thing. I'm going to hate you 100x more when you ****ing pass away you POS. The day you die is gonna be like "Ah fking ****, thanks you so so so much for this POS life and all these struggles, thanks for being such a dick of dad and not teaching me anything AT ALL about life while claiming I know nothing at the same time. LOL **** U, stop blowing ur own horn u POS ".
Hopefully I pass away before you so you can be left dead inside, ****ing idiot. I think I subconsciously sabotage my own life just to spite and bring shame to you or... maybe it's life's way of showing you how much you ****ed up, to have had brung up a creature like me.
You both ****ed up. It's like you both had zero emotional awareness and had kids for your retirement. Oh no, you actually did just have kids for your retirement plan because you wanted to be looked after and bask in glory, you even admitted it. How tf am I supposed to look after you and no way in hell am I taking you to the gambling machines FO.
So delusional, none of us can ****ing look after u. we're struggling can't you see.