(No Quoting, Only Venting) What’s Bothering You Right Now? - Page 33 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #641 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-27-2019, 04:19 PM
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Lucy's bitten
Neck is bleeding bad
The teeth have long departed
Yet the desire burns strong
On in desire for destruction
One on which she'll depend
One that ceases to deepen
Too near bitter end


Black through the mountains
She turns her loosening ring
Guardian angel sings
"I think you've lost your wings, but you're still yours
You're still yours, you're still yours"

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post #642 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-28-2019, 12:28 AM
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Whenever I reach out to someone and the other party has zero interest in wanting to interact with me (as I suspected al along), all it does is it puts both of us in an awkward situation, causing them to want to avoid me from there on out, out of guilt. I really really need to stop doing this. And let others considered to be actually appealing and liked, do so.

The truth is strictly what the ones in power perceives it to be.

Enjoy any good things, even the little and menial ones, as you will never know what impending distresses could descend upon you in a moment.
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post #643 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-28-2019, 06:59 AM
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Times like now I really ask myself why I bother to continue to keep going and 'trying'. Some things just can't be fixed.
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post #644 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-28-2019, 07:29 AM
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Other patient decided to start on me for saying hi. Bit unsettled, screaming.. You don't know where to put yourself around distraught patients. Must be scared being stuck in here. Only thing is she's right next to the door, so I can't avoid here when I'm going out. Great.

This stomach ulcer is doing my head in.

Our hopes and expectations. Black holes and revelations.
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post #645 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-28-2019, 08:00 AM
Ad astra per aspera.
 
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Most of my difficulties atm come down to I was taught well how I should be instead of accepted for how I am so I struggle to cultivate my voice of acceptance instead of the critic.

So this job doesn't pay as much as I'd like, doesn't challenge me and ideally I would've liked to be further along, but it pays the bills I do have, is something I can manage for the next 3 years, allows me to go to school and study at work, is in my field so gives me " experience" on a resume, offers overtime and allows me to go to therapy and manage other parts of my life without overwhelm. It basically pays me for existing at work instead of existing at home (as far as the amt of work I'll be doing lol.)

I choose to focus on the latter. It is good enough. I'm not judging myself anymore. This is where I am and I accept it. No need to fight and put myself down for being here. I can be miserable here or I can be ok with it. I choose to see it for all the benefits it offers me and to be ok with life instead of fighting against it. Cause putting myself down doesn't change where I am or get me where I want to be any faster, I'm still here lol. It just makes me miserable. And **** that. I don't need to be anything but who I am.

Miles to go before I sleep. Vale.

Know your ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score?
Sometimes, SA is a symptom of significant developmental, attachment or interpersonal trauma (emotional neglect counts). If you're still stuck after you've tried SA treatments such as CBT and exposure, research C-PTSD and see if it resonates. Here's an awesome resource. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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post #646 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-28-2019, 08:53 AM
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I leave behind a trail of destruction wherever I go. So it's best for me not to leave the house.

Nobody loves me but my dog, and I think he might be jivin', too.
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post #647 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-28-2019, 07:22 PM
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I spend a significant portion of every month wanting to really hurt people, in general. Like just cause people suffering. I hate so many things about them, so you can break it down to specific reasons, but at the end of the day it adds up to misanthropy.


Lucy's bitten
Neck is bleeding bad
The teeth have long departed
Yet the desire burns strong
On in desire for destruction
One on which she'll depend
One that ceases to deepen
Too near bitter end


Black through the mountains
She turns her loosening ring
Guardian angel sings
"I think you've lost your wings, but you're still yours
You're still yours, you're still yours"

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post #648 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-28-2019, 07:43 PM
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That's Ok.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #649 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-29-2019, 04:44 AM
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I give up.

It is the light she longs to find,
When she delights in learning more.
Her world is learning; it defines
The destiny she’s reaching for

- Marie Curie
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post #650 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-29-2019, 04:26 PM
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Empty


I feel kind of stuck—like I'm in the middle of a step to get me somewhere nice but at the same time, the floor is kind of wobbly and shaky. It's frightening.

I feel as though I'm doing the right things but not quite exactly getting the right results.

A lot of that deals with not having the right motivation and or conviction but I'm trying the best I can while maintaining my sanity.

I don't want to dawdle on every darn thing that happens to me. I don't want to worry about all the things I'll have to be dealing with.

I just wish there was a straight path for everything. Alas, there isn't. More importantly, life does not always go how we want. There are things beyond our control.

It is frustrating constantly being at ends with that fact for a person like me who is berated with self-doubt, insecurity, and etc.

Though I have always made it my practice to be pleasant to everybody, I have not once actually experienced friendship. I have only the most painful recollections of my various acquaintances ..."
― Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human
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post #651 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-29-2019, 10:00 PM
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13 years later, still no friends. What else is new?
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post #652 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-29-2019, 11:05 PM
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If I buy beer I won’t have enough money for my cab fare, which means I’ll have a long walk home...I really want those beers though
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post #653 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-29-2019, 11:09 PM
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Time just keeps slipping on by and nothing interesting or eventful happens. It's all so dull. Never go on any trips, never go anywhere, not even to a festival or a nearby town. Have no one to go with.

Well, only negative things like my sister getting borderline ovarian tumors and having 1 ovary and a partial ovary removed. Then Ann's great decline and having to hear ad nauseam about her twice an hour bathroom trips and later her schizo daughter harassing my dad and the nursing home.
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post #654 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 03:25 AM
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My Mood: Pensive
I wish this would all just end already.

It is the light she longs to find,
When she delights in learning more.
Her world is learning; it defines
The destiny she’s reaching for

- Marie Curie
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post #655 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 03:43 AM
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My Mood: Brooding
My life is comically awful.

I love Society. It is entirely composed now of beautiful idiots and brilliant lunatics. Just what Society should be.
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post #656 of 1624 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 09:34 PM
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My Mood: Grumpy
Fell asleep earlier than I normally do for a couple hours. Now I awake and having an anxiety spike for several reasons including that I will have trouble going back to sleep when I need to.
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post #657 of 1624 (permalink) Old 07-01-2019, 01:14 PM
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now I remember why I got rid of my old Facebook. as soon as I add one family member the rest start coming... oh well...

"I take what is mine. I pay the iron price."
―Balon Greyjoy
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post #658 of 1624 (permalink) Old 07-01-2019, 02:01 PM
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The way people criticize my looks, to keep it fair, I ought to start talking about how disproportionate their own bodies are, and what kind of work they need to have done in order to correct the gross anatomical defects. Because I can find plenty just looking at them.
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post #659 of 1624 (permalink) Old 07-01-2019, 02:40 PM
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my skin is having a really bad time right now
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post #660 of 1624 (permalink) Old 07-01-2019, 02:44 PM
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I just waved to my neighbor across the street and she just looked at me without waving back. God, I hate people.

Nobody loves me but my dog, and I think he might be jivin', too.
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